MORNING DEW ( HAIKU W/AUDIO)

https://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/morning-dew-haiku

The sun brings mourning

Swept away like yesterday

And today I smile

December 13, 2012 1

Voice – Poe-Estory Warning: Very sad poem

https://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/voice

His name was Tommy and his spirit’s alive and well

I hope you don’t mind it’s his story I shall tell

He would be 37 but at the time he was 12

And for many years his life was a living hell.

It’s his father he despised

All his sneaky ways and dirty little lies

His dad was strange in many different ways

What Tommy didn’t know is his dad had full blown AIDS

His dad was in denial; he wouldn’t take any meds

Every night Tommy’s dad would cry then come lay in Tommy’s bed

Tommy was 12, to him a man, he knew this wasn’t right

He’d lay there quiet, he dare not fight

He was 15 and with every fiber he said NO!

His dad looked at him and they both stood toe to toe

Tommy stood strong as his dad raised his fist

This was his life and wasn’t it supposed to be a gift

Life’s meaning erased

And even his favorite pie had a bitter taste

He started feeling strange but he didn’t want to believe

His dad had given him this horrible disease called HIV

Tommy’s life at this point, he felt like he had no say

Because the thoughts and feelings he was having surely made him gay

His father died and he was glad to see him go

He was a constant reminder of this disease and no one else could know

This thing had him tossing and turning all through the night

He was tired and said, Toya, I just don’t have the strength to fight

Tommy let the years pass him by with each passing day

The truth was he was scared and let fear lead the way

He was like a shadow chasing the sun until it disappeared

Tommy was lost and bound to a zillion little tears

Strangely his first semester class did a project on children with AIDS

And he decided to take his life back on that very special day

As he walked through the hospital children marked by sores

Babies in small bubbles; his heart was completely torn

He ran to the bathroom and cried until he hit the floor

He asked God; please tell me what is all this for

I don’t do drugs

I don’t sleep around

And Tommy didn’t want to be gay

His dad was just a real sick man that took his innocence away

For all the children who don’t have a choice

Tommy decided to take a stand and be the children’s voice

He stood in front of thousands and said

My name is Tommy and I have AIDS

And I’m speaking for all the little people who become victims every day

His body’s 6 feet under but his spirit is still alive

And if you’re reading this then his spirit has survived

This is Tommy’s way of continuing to be the children’s voice

This is for all the little people who never had a choice

Thank you Tommy

December 10, 2012 28

DECIEVED (POETRY W/AUDIO)

https://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/deceived

Walking blindly into a deep abyss.

Vulnerable…

But still willing to take that fatal kiss.

DECEPTION…

The cover that loomed above.

Drowning in a fantasy of lies and forbidden love.

Smeared with deception so thick it couldn’t be cut.

Needing so desperately to close a door I was unable to shut.

My heart is so heavy and my belly won’t obey.

My mind says one thing, but the ache in my heart won’t go away.

This fantasy I created.

Oh, how I wish it were real.

But my anger won’t let me forget what this man tried so hard to steal.

Its only been a little while.

I was empty.

And so it didn’t take long.

Before my fantasy turned into that same tragic song.

Denial was the essence that enabled me not to see.

That this man was not my future or even part of my destiny.

DECEPTION mailed with a smile.

I could see it for miles but laid in my own denial.

Trails, tracks and footprints so many clues.

Can’t blame him cause I chose to play the fool.

Heart won’t stop pounding thru my chest.

Could be feeling worse thought I had mastered this mess.

Tired of feeling my own heartbeat!

Tired of listening to my own lies!

Though I know the truth I still lie in my own denial!

Got to force myself to eat!

Tossing and turning between my own sheets.

I finally ball myself up in a knot and cry myself to sleep.

Accepting complete defeat.

On my knees praying, crying and begging God for emotional freedom…

But still wanting so, so, so, so, so, so badly just to see him.

Just to kiss him.

Just to touch him.

Justa, justa what!!!!

Well if I knew I wouldn’t be writing so fucking much.

My thinking is so jilted its hard just to concentrate.

But I’m going to hold on and if I do eventually I will be back in a peaceful state.

I will get thru this and there will be another guy and hopefully I won’t have to tell the next one goodbye.

One more thing, I WILL NOT GET HIGH.

Loveme

PleaseLoveme!

December 7, 2012 0

Invictus By William Ernest Henley (Featured Poet)

Perseus Statue Drawing by James Holko | Fine Art America

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeoning’s of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

December 5, 2012 7

HEART ATTACK! (RANDOM THOUGHT W/ AUDIO)

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/heart-attack#play

SO GLAD I STILL HAVE MY YOUTH

BECAUSE IF I WERE 80

I WOULD BE DEAD

FROM THIS HEART BREAK

December 1, 2012 1

FOOTNOTE (ABOUT MY AVATAR)

I am a writer, and the joy of being a writer is having some versatility. I get to write about whatever I want, and hope you, the reader, can find some common ground. “My Avatar” is dark; she is the little girl that lives in me, she is a spoiled, rotten, weird, little brat. She is all my fears and a product of every person who ever hurt me. She is all my resentments I still work so hard to let go of still today. She is a product of every man that ever broke my heart, starting with my father.

She is the product of a mother who was murdered and a father who was never around. “My Avatar” the character is a lot of things, but most of all she is afraid. She is afraid of you and she is afraid of the woman in me that continues to discipline her. “My Avatar” is more than a little dark. I love this project because it challenged me as a writer to write about something different.

When I read books, stories and poetry I often wonder if the people are anything like what or who they write about. Of course we are our characters on some level.

I had to put this footnote in this book. I had some friends who I trust to critique some of my writings ask me if I was alright. That made me smile; an effective writer should impact the reader. I believe I had done that. My hope is it will impact you the same way it did my friends who critiqued my manuscript. Of course I am ok, just me doing what I love to do, write.

WELCOME TO MY PEACEFUL INSANITY

November 20, 2012 6