Excerpt (Shades of Grey)
SHE WILL NEVER WANT YOU
THE WAY YOU WANT HER TO
AND YOU WILL BE BROKEN
ONCE
AGAIN
BE
CAUSE
SHE
IS
TAINTED
TAINTED BY THE PAST
AND EVEN LOVE DONT LAST
FOOL OF ME!
AND NOW…
I WAIT
AND WAIT
I WAIT PATIENTLY
FOR YOUR SHADES OF GREY
SISTERS (POETRY)
I pray before I start
Because these words are coming from the deepest part of my heart
I prayed for her like she prayed for me
That the light one day she’d be willing to see
Over the years she told me some of her deepest fears
And I know it”s ok to cry because these are happy tears
I’ve been on the sidelines rooting for her every day
I knew somehow God would help her to find her way
I know she had to fight the whole way through
I know because I’ve been there
I had to fight too
I’ve been some of the same places she’s been
And it hurt at times that I was unable to be her friend
There was some hurt that I was still trying to mend
My love for my sister is deep and true
But I’m still hurt and I’m still healing too
It really hurt to see addiction drag my sister into that hole
It doesn’t discriminate it takes family friends and Foes
We should have listened when mamma told us to just say no
But my response was always the same…
Mamma I know
Anyway the hurt is still the same
She must have thought I was joking when I told her this was no game
She saw me struggle
Drugs riddled me to the core
And I am so grateful that God has the power to restore
I remember when she cried
She told me she was tired
She could no longer fight
I looked her in the eyes and said
I need you
And I need you on this night
I pleaded for her to stay just a little while more
But just as fast as she came she was back out the door
She looked towards the ground
Looked at me and said
I will be back when I get
ONE MORE
Her eyes were filled with pain
She didn’t want to be loved
She only wanted more cocaine
I pleaded with her to let me help her
She was my baby sister
I pulled her close and hugged and kissed her
And even in my own addiction
I really, really missed her
What I know is she is walking that same dark path
The disease will get you
And it will get you fast
My baby sister is all alone out there on the streets
I want for her so badly to be free
She is my baby sister and that’s all I am able to see
I’m often reminded that the same God taking care of her
Is the same God that took such good care of me
My sister died of an overdose
God has set her free
And He’s still taking care of her
And watching over me
QUEST (HAIKU)
ON MY QUEST FOR LOVE
I WILL STILL WRITE POETRY
AND LOVE WILL FIND ME
DREAM CATCHER
Dream Catcher
I haven’t talked to my family in a while.
I don’t know why I feel I cramp their style.
I love my grandmother.
I need her to smother me with her love.
I’m needy that way.
That’s how I always was.
Some would say a little too much.
My nana was always there, kind of like a crutch.
Even the lightest touch meant so much.
I wasn’t a normal child.
They called me the flower child.
There was a woman.
Her name was Karen, Karen Givens.
She had all the men and even some women.
She would go out there and do her thing.
I wondered how she got them to buy her jewels, necklaces and diamond rings.
I know now if she had wings she would have simply flown away.
Because her life was filled with an array of dismay.
She’d ask me, this little girl… don’t go please stay.
I’d leave home and stay gone for weeks.
I was hanging with dope fiends some real creeps.
I was staying out for weeks not getting any sleep.
Things were happening and the shit was real deep.
I’m writing all this because I need somebody to know.
My younger years were demon like, and real cold.
Winters were all year round.
My inner child lost never to be found….
STOLEN SHE WAS!!!!!
Stolen by the ignorance of time.
And I’m still trying to find.
It wasn’t my fault I was a child they were the adults.
My life was not theirs to take.
Always checking to see if I was still awake.
I still wake up screaming “GO WAY FOR CHRIST SAKES”.
If I could swim.
I’d swim across a lake.
If I could fly.
I’d fly across the entire state.
If I could climb.
I’d climb the highest mountain and drink from the purest of fountains.
And if I wasn’t scared of heights.
I might stand on top of a vista.
And listen to the wind SING,,,,WISHA-WISHA
I wish you weren’t here with me.
WHO?
ANYONE BUT YOU!
Just to soothe my burdened soul that was stole.
STOLEN IT WAS!!!
I’m drifting off into some real dark shit.
It has trapped doors and a bottomless pit.
Anyway I called my grandmother last night and thank God every thing’s alright.
I could have just shared at one of those NA meetings.
But my twisted purpose I would have been defeating.
I’ll leave it all up to you to find.
I’ve said it before.
It’s hidden.
Hidden somewhere between the rhyme.
It’s 3 AM and I can’t really sleep.
Because I let my pen go to deep.
I’m looking at my dream catcher I got last night, waiting for my dreams to take flight.
It’s spinning over my head while I lay in my bed.
Oh yeah, and thanks for reading the thoughts in my head.
My dream catcher has this hypnotic spin.
I think I’ll relax and let it win.
So I can put my pen to rest.
And hope tonight I dream a little less.
mentalnotes1 