Soul Ties – 2013 June

 

Bondage

He is

Dead in my womb

Bruised spirit

Other men can hear it

Trying hard to sear it  

I-am-bonded-to-you

I can feel the disgrace

Painted on my face

 Calvin Klein suite case

 In-my-soul

And so

I must!

Pray to something way far

Up in the sky

To help me

Break

This soul tie

 

https://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/canvas-thinktankpoetry?si=9de24084a3b248bf809dbcfc23af9193&utm_source=clipboard&utm_medium=text&utm_campaign=social_sharing

mentalnotes1

Light lily’s breeze through his buildings

Turning his mouth cotton candy

Was a moon to me that exhaled my essence?

With laughter

From embarrassment

Or

From an hour glass

Timeless image

Faded photograph

That blew butterflies thru my frame

And sat me on pipes thrusting pulsed between my brains

Not even the roughest twister

Can tame

His hurricane

That paints

A picture

Of Her

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Goodness and Mercy – Poetry W/Audio

I feel there is something

Or someone who or that

Is always there

Watching over and protecting me

They are surely the perfect pair

They aren’t conflicting or argumentative

They are loving

And if you ask me

Much too fair

And even when I was angry

Their love was always there

It’s some Jesus stuff they sprinkle

When things are dark like night

And they will never leave or forsake me

No matter how tuff the fight

There is one thing I am sure of

Although my choices aren’t always right

Goodness and Mercy shall follow me

All the days of my life

mentalnotes1

Intimacy crept through our rain

It cradled every

Hurt

Hang-up

Blew life through this pain

Pieces lingered

Tried hard to remain

We withdrew from every

Dead kiss

Tried hard to sustain

We day-dreamed into bliss

Until only intimacy exists 

It melted into us

Like candle wax

And saturated the deepest wounds

Mending even

The most broken crack

We were

Shielded

 

By Intimacy

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HAPPY (POETRY)

Happy is not a place but an atmosphere

mentalnotes1

I was in a dead zone

And no amount of encouragement could convince me

That

I wasn’t alone

There was a moan in my soul

And every emotion in me was cold

 

And my thoughts lied to me

 

So I did nothing

 

One day I woke up

And the pain subsided

And joy overrides

This dark emotion

 

And for a brief second

 

I was happy

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Evil Green – Poetry

Huntsmen search this thing out

Looking for the pot of gold

We have been warned

From biblical times

This story is centuries old

***

Try as you may

To hunt this thing down

And watch evil events unfold

Don’t ignore

The evil this green can bring

It’s a trick that’s ancient and cold

***

It’s a spirit

You can’t see it or hear it

It wants you trapped in your personal greed

God said be anxious for nothing

He said He will provide all that we need

***

It will trap you

Before you trap it

So don’t be fooled by this scheme

It will keep you sick

Weary and tired

Chasing the American dream

***

If you look back on all who hunt it

You’ll see how lonely they sit

This thing can be deceptive and mean

Be careful when you focus on it

***

Beware of this thing

Warning signs are hard to be seen

But this thing is clever and keen

It will have you believe

You’re on top of the world

I call it the evil man’s green

Sculpting – Poetry

If I could sculpt myself a tear

I’d make it audible

Allowing even the deaf to hear

***

If I could sculpt myself a tear

I’d paint it purple

Signifying royalty

And make all the blue disappear

***

If I could sculpt myself a tear

I’d relinquish loneliness

And mix this liquid with a prayer  

***

If I could sculpt myself a tear

I’d give it an automatic reset

So that it would never be in need of repair

***

If I could sculpt myself a tear

I would never create it

Cold

And salty

Like

This wicked world

Reaching – Poetry

I was reaching for a dream

A figment of my imagination

I was reaching for love and pillow talk

I was reaching for arguments and make up sex

I was reaching for long walks and holidays together

I was reaching for surprise parties and baby clothes

I was reaching for a dream

A figment of my imagination

I was reaching for you

Protected: Can we talk about grief ?? Random thought

In a few words, in the comment section, describe your most powerful description of grief
Examples below

mentalnotes1

In a few words, in the comment section, describe your most powerful description of grief
Examples below

HELP ME IM BURRIED IN GRIEF!

I swept grief in a nice neat pile and one day it busted out and assaulted me.

Grief doesn’t want you perusing it, it does what it wants when it wants

Grief isn’t just a neat wound you can dress, the healing is in living

Grief reminds us that weonce loved

Grief pushed me into education

Grief- I suck at this kind of talk

Grief is cold Callous and matter of fact

Grief forces you to get a permission slip

Grief hides for a little while but there it goes again

Grief makes me feel like I’m floating unable to ground myself

Grief- I buried it, ohh but the roots are so deeply attached

I do not deserve to live in this pain

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Case Study #2 – The Clinic

I have visited all the pharmacies and medicine section at every store in Portland looking for diet pills

My name is Samantha and I weigh 500 pounds and my mom worries about me

I’m scheduled for a weigh in at the clinic today at 3pm.

The clinic is just an easier softer way of saying the crazy house

My cloths fit so tight and I know I can loose a couple of pounds before 3pm.

I look at the time

12:30pm

I walk to the bodega at the corner and purchase 2 family packs of Oreo’s and start eating them as I walk back home

I sit on my couch and browse Facebook and imagine how I can look and be happy like so many others

I look through my pictures and compare myself

I hate myself

I finish off the second bag of Oreo’s and head to my room

I take off all my cloths and analyze my body in the mirror

I pull at my fat bulges, spin around, gaze in my own eyes in the mirror

I loath myself

I head to the bathroom, stick two finger down my throat and vomit the Oreo’s

I vomit the hate I have for myself
I drink some water with baking soda so it can come easy and I vomit some more until my throat hurts

I look up at myself as saliva melts down the side of my face and drops to the rug

I hear the front door, its my mom coming to take me to the clinic

I hurry and flush the toilet and turn the shower on as to quietly say do not disturb

I stay in the bathroom for about 5 minutes just sitting on the side of the tub, I wet my hair grab a towel and walk out

She’s standing there

I don’t look at her

I walk pass her without acknowledgement and slam my bedroom door because

I hate her too

I hear her ruffling through the bathroom looking for any sign that I have done something to harm myself

We head to the clinic

The nurse weighs me

Nurse speaks: Samantha you lost 7 pounds since your last weigh in last week, you are 95 pounds.
I’m sorry we will have to admit you.

Since I’m only 16 years old my mother signs papers to have me 302’ed again to the clinic for a psych eval and observation

And I hate myself!

Resolutions to aid Eating Disorder recovery
https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/185582221/posts/636

Poetry about a person with an eating disorder
https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2023/01/09/dis-order-poetry-3/