Case Study #2 – The Clinic

I have visited all the pharmacies and medicine section at every store in Portland looking for diet pills

My name is Samantha and I weigh 500 pounds and my mom worries about me

I’m scheduled for a weigh in at the clinic today at 3pm.

The clinic is just an easier softer way of saying the crazy house

My cloths fit so tight and I know I can loose a couple of pounds before 3pm.

I look at the time

12:30pm

I walk to the bodega at the corner and purchase 2 family packs of Oreo’s and start eating them as I walk back home

I sit on my couch and browse Facebook and imagine how I can look and be happy like so many others

I look through my pictures and compare myself

I hate myself

I finish off the second bag of Oreo’s and head to my room

I take off all my cloths and analyze my body in the mirror

I pull at my fat bulges, spin around, gaze in my own eyes in the mirror

I loath myself

I head to the bathroom, stick two finger down my throat and vomit the Oreo’s

I vomit the hate I have for myself
I drink some water with baking soda so it can come easy and I vomit some more until my throat hurts

I look up at myself as saliva melts down the side of my face and drops to the rug

I hear the front door, its my mom coming to take me to the clinic

I hurry and flush the toilet and turn the shower on as to quietly say do not disturb

I stay in the bathroom for about 5 minutes just sitting on the side of the tub, I wet my hair grab a towel and walk out

She’s standing there

I don’t look at her

I walk pass her without acknowledgement and slam my bedroom door because

I hate her too

I hear her ruffling through the bathroom looking for any sign that I have done something to harm myself

We head to the clinic

The nurse weighs me

Nurse speaks: Samantha you lost 7 pounds since your last weigh in last week, you are 95 pounds.
I’m sorry we will have to admit you.

Since I’m only 16 years old my mother signs papers to have me 302’ed again to the clinic for a psych eval and observation

And I hate myself!

Resolutions to aid Eating Disorder recovery
https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/185582221/posts/636

Poetry about a person with an eating disorder
https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2023/01/09/dis-order-poetry-3/

Dis-Order (Poetry)

 

I eat to make the pain fade today
And the dragon in my belly
Plays monstrous villains
Till all my emotional scares fade away
You’ll never understand why I eat the way I do
Don’t try and diagnose me
Because I will eat you away too
I will vomit till my face turns blue
Tryna’ forget that I hate you
And that I hate myself too

DIS-ORDER

Insanity – dVerse

I waited

While I live inside this twisted place

My fish died but I’m still alive

That is unquenchable

And breathing became difficult

Attitude

And green with envy

I’ve been left by the wayside

I smile and I curse

Made time against me

And turned me hungry

You catch me

All along was really ME

Such a painful death

Thru my heart

Where pain will be no more

Mourning was well on its way

You will stay with me and you’ll stay until the very end

Free me from this rag

It was only just a dream

***

https://dversepoets.com/2022/12/01/mtb-in-my-end-is-my-beginning/

No preposition, conjunctions or change of tense, just the last lines of my most recent poems.

I Waited for November (dVerse) Audio

OCD (Poetry)

Untitled

Intubation (Re-Titled)

Mathematics (Poetry)

Broken Sips (dVerse)

Way Side (Written for dVerse Poets)

Hands (Poetry)

Hungry

Catch me

HAUNTED HOUSE(AUDIO POETRY) HAPPY HOLLOWEEN (:

PAINFUL DEATH

DROWNING (POETRY)

Caged

Mourning

FREE ME (POETRY W/ AUDIO)

NERVOUS BLEEDING IN MY BRAIN (POETRY W/AUDIO) RATED R

WET DREAM (POETRY)

PROZAC

I’m lost, and I’m trying to find my way back.

Where am I?

Who are you?

I’m schizo and you look schizo too.

How do I get out of this fucking box?

I’m walking but I can’t feel my feet.

I’m being pushed by a fiery heat.

OUCH!!!

That hurts.

STOP!!!

Where the fuck am I?

It’s dark.

I can’t see.

WILL SOMEONE TURN ON THE FUCKING LIGHTS!!!

Wait! Wait!

This can’t be right.

Something’s wrong.

Where are the damn lights?

It’s dark.

Shit, I’m scared.

This is weird.

Damn, it’s HOT.

WILL SOMEONE TURN THE DAMN HEAT OFF!!!

PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME GET OUT OF HERE!

Ok, ok let me calm down and figure out how the hell I got here so I can get the hell out.

Ok, think.

The last thing I remember.

What was the last thing I remember?

Oh, I was with that guy and he was so, so fine.

Shit, I’m drawing a blank.

My eyes are getting heavy.

I. Just. Want. To.Go. To. Sleep.

BITCH WAKE UP!!!

BITCH WAKE UP!!!

WHERE WAS I?

Oh, oh ok I remember.

The bathroom.

I was in the bathroom.

That man was with me.

I can’t keep my eyes open.

OPEN YOU’RE FUCKIN EYES.

Come on open, open…

It feels like I’m watching a movie.

This shit is crazy.

I have got to pull myself together.

It’s the PROZAC.

Yeah.

The fucking PROZAC…

FUCKIN WITH MY HEAD!

I need to get off these drugs.

HEY!!!

HEY YOU OVER THERE!!!

Where the fuck are we?

Hey, where you going?

You can’t just leave me here.

Shit I. AM. FADING.

It feels so good.

Oh please let me fade.

It feels too good to come back now.

GRAB MY HAND!!!

COME ON GRAB MY HAND!!!

I have got to leave those fucking drugs alone.

Mental note…

Need a bigger bathroom.

HELP ME

I’m lost, and I’m trying to find my way back.

Where am I?

Who are you?

I’m schizo and you look schizo too.

How do I get out of this fucking box?

I’m walking but I can’t feel my feet.

I’m being pushed by a fiery heat.

OUCH!!!

That hurts.

STOP!!!

Where the fuck am I?

It’s dark.

I can’t see.

WILL SOMEONE TURN ON THE FUCKING LIGHTS!!!

Wait! Wait!

This can’t be right.

Something’s wrong.

Where are the damn lights?

It’s dark.

Shit, I’m scared.

This is weird.

Damn, it’s HOT.

WILL SOMEONE TURN THE DAMN HEAT OFF!!!

PLEASE, PLEASE….

Ok, ok let me calm down and figure out how the hell I got here so I can get the hell out.

Ok, think.

The last thing I remember.

What was the last thing I remember?

Oh, I was with that guy and he was so, so fine.

Shit, I’m drawing a blank.

My eyes are getting heavy.

I. Just. Want. To.Go. To. Sleep.

BITCH WAKE UP!!!

BITCH WAKE UP!!!

WHERE WAS I?

Oh, oh ok I remember.

The bathroom.

I was in the bathroom.

That man was with me.

I can’t keep my eyes open.

OPEN YOU’RE FUCKIN EYES.

Come on open, open…

It feels like I’m watching a movie.

This shit is crazy.

I have got to pull myself together.

It’s the PROZAC.

Yeah.

The fucking PROZAC…

FUCKIN WITH MY HEAD!

I need to get off these drugs.

HEY!!!

HEY YOU OVER THERE!!!

Where the fuck are we?

Hey, where you going?

You can’t just leave me here.

Shit I. AM. FADING.

It feels so good.

Oh please let me fade.

It feels too good to come back now.

GRAB MY HAND!!!

COME ON GRAB MY HAND!!!

I have got to leave those fucking drugs alone.

Mental note…

Need a bigger bathroom.

Sinister (Audio Poetry)

Wires Hang me from lines

Feeling my dysfunction

Misused like concubines
***

Movement sublimes and gesture persuade this tri-polar mind
While

A thesaurus of recordings memoirs and movies wait cynically for the right time
***
They all submit to my personalities
SHHHHHHHH
Whispers: They’re listening
Systematically
***
Waiting for the right time

Always skilled at entering occupied areas

In spite of danger signs
***

!PARANOID!
***

And church can’t sooth me
***

Secret missions scythe my mind and carve 666 in a pattern down my spine

Behind enemy lines

Camouflaged into the walls

Something dragged me aimlessly down haunted halls

Where faces plague me
Past images degrade me

And force me to repeatedly listen to Blue October

Hate me
***

My emotions betray me
Then my thoughts berate me
I go adrift and they sedate me
My instinct violate me
And sensations date rape me
***

Till I wonder to nowhere

And everywhere

And become wonder woman

Doing 100 on 71 South

Demons position curse word to my mouth
***

I live in this hell
This hell!

Critically tryna’ blink myself into a southern bell
***

God made me ugly so He could love me

And you can hate me

I despise ever being born

I’m constantly
And consistently

Begging God

To please relieve me of this thorn

Sinister (Poetry)

Wires Hang me from lines

Feeling my dysfunction

Misused like concubines
***

Movement sublimes and gesture persuade this tri-polar mind
While

A thesaurus of recordings memoirs and movies wait cynically for the right time
***
They all submit to my personalities
SHHHHHHHH
Whispers: They’re listening
Systematically
***
Waiting for the right time

Always skilled at entering occupied areas

In spite of danger signs
***

!PARANOID!
***

And church can’t sooth me
***

Secret missions scythe my mind and carve 666 in a pattern down my spine

Behind enemy lines

Camouflaged into the walls

Something dragged me aimlessly down haunted halls

Where faces plague me
Past images degrade me

And force me to repeatedly listen to Blue October

Hate me
***

My emotions betray me
Then my thoughts berate me
I go adrift and they sedate me
My instinct violate me
And sensations date rape me
***

Till I wonder to nowhere

And everywhere

And become wonder woman

Doing 100 on 71 South

Demons position curse word to my mouth
***

I live in this hell
This hell!

Critically tryna’ blink myself into a southern bell
***

God made me ugly so He could love me

And you can hate me

I despise ever being born

I’m constantly
And consistently

Begging God

To please relieve me of this thorn

Dis-Order (Poetry)

I eat to make the pain fade today
And the dragon in my belly
Plays monstrous villains
Till all my emotional scares fade away
You’ll never understand why I eat the way I do
Don’t try and diagnose me
Because I will eat you away too
I will vomit till my face turns blue
Tryna’ forget that I hate you
And that I hate myself too

DIS-ORDER

I am wondering in this valley

With a shadow

Called death

Desperately trying every trick

To inhale my last breath

As the shadow kneels

It does everything in its power

To make me feel

What is not real

Peel me of my iniquities

My infidelities

This shadow plays mind games with me

It’s crazy in here!

And i can hear the sounds

That tries to keep me bound

To thine own self be true

I’m running from my shadow

Like that scary clown from school

I am screaming out for help

I am doomed to the top shelf

Like a broken piece of china

Labeled

Afflicted!

Addicted!

It’s the wicked things I tell myself

Whew!

It’s crazy in here!

And that thing

That silly thing

That god awful thing

Called fear

Keeps echoing between my ears

And all I can hear

Is

It’s crazy in here!

Here

Here

Here

Echoing

It’s crazy in here!

Here

Here

Here

AN E-MAIL FROM MY MENTALLY ILL BROTHER (I CRIED)

This is an e-mail my brother sent me. He suffers from mental illness.

A real bad case of it, I cried when I read it.

I’m hurt

And I’m embarrassed

THERE’S BEEN SLANDER ON MY NAME

I can’t tell anybody else how embarrassed I am

I mean, I just can’t

To show some pride to whose got me embarrassed

When I do that it makes me more embarrassed

Much more

It’s like

I’m embarrassed out of the nicer things of life

I know there is something wrong with me

And I know I’m going to fall to the wayside of life

From being embarrassed of somebody that’s bad

I can’t even get through the gates heave

I feel like I’m going to fall to the wayside  of life sis

The wayside!

Can you save me like some super women?

Or somebody better?

Can you help me move and I’ll go to college?

And do everything you say

Send me a message if you could console me out

And now it’s like I’m embarrassed out of the nicer things out of life

And that’s the only thing wrong

The wayside because of somebody bad

Can’t even get through the gates heaven

And I feel hate to the deep of my blood

Can you save me like a super woman?

Can you save like a super woman?

Can you save me like super women?

Or somebody better

MY AVATAR ( POETRY W/ AUDIO PART 1)

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-part-2-poetry#play

My avatar loves to come out and play

While keeping all the bad people away

Sugar and spice was a fantasy that had been reversed

By an evil curse that keeps sick lyrics playing in my brain

Shame

Shame is I can’t hide from my hazel eyes

That keep seeing me down this wicked path

Where gargoyles were supposed to make me feel safe

And hide me from my tortured fate

And only they know where I’ve been

As my OCD forces me to repeat things

Over

And over

And over again

My avatar plays double dutch, patty cake, hide and seek

And plays these tapes over and over in my mind sometimes for weeks

Non-stop

That’s when my watched stopped

And froze me right there

For pedestrians to stop and stare at me in my obliviance

Ollie-ollie in come free

Is what they scream at me

deeming

Me

Broken

While I’m smoking up on yesterday

And my avatar

She comforts me in my

Disobedience

She comforts me

In my deviants