MENTAL ILLNESS

IT’S CRAZY IN HERE! (POETRY W/AUDIO)

I am wondering in this valley

With a shadow

Called death

Desperately trying every trick

To inhale my last breath

As the shadow kneels

It does everything in its power

To make me feel

What is not real

Peel me of my iniquities

My infidelities

This shadow plays mind games with me

It’s crazy in here!

And i can hear the sounds

That tries to keep me bound

To thine own self be true

I’m running from my shadow

Like that scary clown from school

I am screaming out for help

I am doomed to the top shelf

Like a broken piece of china

Labeled

Afflicted!

Addicted!

It’s the wicked things I tell myself

Whew!

It’s crazy in here!

And that thing

That silly thing

That god awful thing

Called fear

Keeps echoing between my ears

And all I can hear

Is

It’s crazy in here!

Here

Here

Here

Echoing

It’s crazy in here!

Here

Here

Here

AN E-MAIL FROM MY MENTALLY ILL BROTHER (I CRIED)

This is an e-mail my brother sent me. He suffers from mental illness.

A real bad case of it, I cried when I read it.

I’m hurt

And I’m embarrassed

THERE’S BEEN SLANDER ON MY NAME

I can’t tell anybody else how embarrassed I am

I mean, I just can’t

To show some pride to whose got me embarrassed

When I do that it makes me more embarrassed

Much more

It’s like

I’m embarrassed out of the nicer things of life

I know there is something wrong with me

And I know I’m going to fall to the wayside of life

From being embarrassed of somebody that’s bad

I can’t even get through the gates heave

I feel like I’m going to fall to the wayside  of life sis

The wayside!

Can you save me like some super women?

Or somebody better?

Can you help me move and I’ll go to college?

And do everything you say

Send me a message if you could console me out

And now it’s like I’m embarrassed out of the nicer things out of life

And that’s the only thing wrong

The wayside because of somebody bad

Can’t even get through the gates heaven

And I feel hate to the deep of my blood

Can you save me like a super woman?

Can you save like a super woman?

Can you save me like super women?

Or somebody better

MY AVATAR ( POETRY W/ AUDIO PART 2)

I THINK I MAY BE IN LOVE WITH THIS AVATAR SERIES

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-part-2-poetry#play

MY AVATAR, SHE LOVES TO COME OUT AND PLAY

WHILE KEEPING ALL THE BAD PEOPLE AWAY

SUGAR AND SPICE WAS A FANTASY THAT HAD BEEN REVERSED

BY AN EVIL CURSE THAT KEEPS SICK LYRICS PLAYING IN MY BRAIN

SHAME…

SHAME IS I CAN’T HIDE FROM MY HAZEL EYES

THAT KEEP SEEING ME DOWN THIS WICKED PATH

WHERE GARGOILS WHERE SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL SAFE

AND HIDE ME FROM MY TORTURED FATE

AND ONLY THEY KNOW WHERE I’VE BEEN

AS MY OCD FORCES ME TO REPEAT THINGS

OVER

AND OVER

AND OVER AGAIN

MY AVATAR PLAYS DOUBLE DUTCH, PATTY CAKE, HIDE AND SEEK

AND PLAYS THIS TAPE OVER AND OVER IN MY MIND SOMETIMES FOR WEEKS

NON STOP

THAT’S WHEN MY WATCHED STOPPED

AND FROZE ME RIGHT THEIR

FOR PEDESTRIANS TO STOP AND STAIR AT ME IN MY OBLIVIANCE

OLLIE-OLLIE IN COME FREE

IS WHAT THEY SCREAM AT ME

DEAMING

ME

BROKEN

WHILE I’M SMOKING UP ON YESTERDAY

AND MY AVATAR

SHE COMFORTS ME IN MY

DISOBIDENCE

SHE COMFORTS ME

IN MY DEVIANTS

https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/12/avatar-short-read-poetry-form-part-1/

https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/02/04/my-avatar-short-read-poetry-form-part-2/

https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/16/my-avatar-poetry-part-3-w-audio/

https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/20/my-avatar-part-4/

https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/20/footnote-my-avatar/

MY AVATAR ( SHORT READ, POETRY FORM PART 1 W/ AUDIO)

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-poetry#play

Why give me this body that imprisons my soul?

I Rome this bruised space hiding from my own disgrace

That spills over in my world

That only knows me as a little girl

But I am a woman!

And I know because i have the scares to prove it

I have titts and ass like an hour glass

And puberty has been years passed

But I am still a little girl

 ):

And my avatar wants to leave because I won’t let her breathe

Smothering her with my fears of

Today …

Tomorrow…

And most of all yesterday

But she stays to play anyway

Realistic

Misogynistics

Can’t stand her because

She is protected

By her avatar

 

https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/02/04/my-avatar-short-read-poetry-form-part-2/

https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/16/my-avatar-poetry-part-3-w-audio/

https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/20/my-avatar-part-4/

https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/20/footnote-my-avatar/

MENTAL ILLNESS THE MORAL DILEMMA (SCHOOL ESSAY)

 

  When I hear this anthem, “I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.” It sickens me because it is an out right lie!

      The last six word appear to be pretty concrete, Liberty and Justice for all, is what America has been asking children to pledge for years. It doesn’t read Liberty and Justice for the wealthy, Liberty and Justice for anyone under the age of fifty. It doesn’t read Liberty and Justice for anyone with red hair, or Liberty and Justice for celebrities with more than ten years in the industry. For years I stood in school with my right hand place on my heart and the words that resonated in my mind as a child and still today are “Liberty and Justice for all.”

      Herbert Spencer theory was, only the strongest and fit would survive, and the weaker, less fortunate, smaller, uneducated, and economically challenged would die off. Spencer’s theory is undeniably true. In the early 1800s the mentally ill were locked away in asylums, caged like rats, and treated very badly because they were unable to fend for themselves. There were very few, if any, resources back then for people with mental illness. Spenser’s theory is continuously proven every time a mentally ill patient is jailed and house with common criminal. When they are not capable of being a part of their recovery process and when options are not mapped out for them in a collaborative way. They are denied liberty and justice that has been so freely promise centuries ago.

      There is a definite moral dilemma anytime there is a human life that is disregarded like yesterday’s trash. Often time’s human service workers who are paid to monitor mental health clients through a case management service are over worked and under paid. Still no excuse for breaking codes of ethics and also mental health patients are over medicated and unable to collaborate with case worker. This does not sound like liberty and justice for all, not for the mentally ill anyway. Even with manageable clients because of heavy case load clients are not getting the services that they need. In some cases clients become so completely lost and start committing crimes leaving the law no other choice but to lock them up. Thus, leaving the mentally ill client to fend for themselves, behind bars, with no guardianship they become victims.

      Therefore they become prey to some pretty hard core criminals. There are really not many options to assist these clients. There are so many resources being depleted for services, these programs genuinely want to help. In January 2006 the Harrisburg Hospital that housed over 2,000 patients abruptly closed down. Those patients were sent out in the community and other institutions that I am sure where not a good fit for them. There were a lot of severely mentally ill patients on those grounds and I often wonder what happen to them.

      My uncle was one of those patients and thank God he has a family who cares about him and his well being. My grandmother, who is his mother, found him somewhere safe and stable to live; she knew the changes were coming to the hospital. He had a friend I remember seeing often after the hospital closed. He just kind of hung around the Harrisburg area, I remember him and my uncle chain smoked and drank Pepsi all day. Obsession is one of the symptoms of mental illness so chain smoking and caffeine was what they did all day. They were really good friends, they were safe and happy. I remember the visits to see him, they were so free on the state hospital ground, and they were home.

      I run a self help meeting at Dauphin County Prison and have been for the last 12 years, I go every other week through an organization we will keep anonymous. My uncle’s friend came into the meeting; it had been several years since the hospital had closed down. He told me he had been transported to the mens mission for the homeless after the hospital shut down. He says he couldn’t get his medication stable with out help from the usual nursing staff they had been provided at the hospital. He seemed healthy and on his medication from my eyes view but the black eye and busted lip he sported told another story. He obsessively asked where my uncle was, never giving me a chance to answer before he would ask again.

      He recognized me immediately, he told me he had stayed out one night just roaming Harrisburg and they put him out of the mission. Traumatized I’m sure from the culture shock. He was arrested several times for loitering and after being released with no family and no where to go he says he continued to loiter. He accumulated fines that he was unable to pay and has been in dauphin County Prison for over a year he said. Liberty and justice for all is not uprooting people who have been in the same building there entire lives and telling them they have to get out of there home, the only one they knew. With no real destination, almost like a last call in a bar; “you aint got to go home but you gosta get the hell up out of here”

      There is a sure dilemma, do we leave them in jail to rot with common criminals to become victims or do we set them aside somewhere in an overcrowded group home with unskilled workers? Do we over medicate them to the point they are unable to make there own choices? Choices are made by people who don’t care either way, just as long as they get paid and keep a job where they do absolutely nothing. Purposely over medicated clients to keep them immobilized is wrong that is not liberty or justice. Neither is throwing them in jail with common criminals, that isn’t liberty or justice either.

      It is a real hard choice to make when dealing with programing cuts and mental illness neither option is one I am comfortable with. No one wins, if my uncle didn’t have family I would rather see him in a group home over medicated than in jail being beaten and possibly raped. These are hard choices, as long as cuts to mental health programing continue to be cut this moral dilemma will always exist. It is high time we start caring for the weaker less fortunate, I suppose Herbert Spencer was right, only the strong survive.

 

MY AVATAR 1,2,3 and 4 (POETRY FORM W/ AUDIO)

I am a writer, and the joy of being a writer is having some versatility. I get to write about whatever I want, and hope you, the reader, can find some common ground. “My Avatar” is dark; she is the little girl that lives in me, she is a spoiled, rotten, weird, little brat. She is all my fears and a product of every person who ever hurt me. She is all my resentments I still work so hard to let go of still today. She is a product of every man that ever broke my heart, starting with my father.

She is the product of a mother who was murdered and a father who was never around. “My Avatar” the character is a lot of things, but most of all she is afraid. She is afraid of you and she is afraid of the woman in me that continues to discipline her. “My Avatar” is more than a little dark. I love this project because it challenged me as a writer to write about something different.

When I read books, stories and poetry I often wonder if the people are anything like what or who they write about. Of course we are our characters on some level.

I had to put this footnote in this book. I had some friends who I trust to critique some of my writings ask me if I was alright. That made me smile; an effective writer should impact the reader. I believe I had done that. My hope is it will impact you the same way it did my friends who critiqued my manuscript. Of course I am ok, just me doing what I love to do, write.

WELCOME TO MY PEACEFUL INSANITY

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-poetry#play

Why give me this body that imprisons my soul?

I Rome this bruised space hiding from my own disgrace

That spills over in my world

That only knows me as a little girl

But I am a woman!

And I know because I have the scares to prove it

I have titts and ass like an hour glass

And puberty has been years passed

But I am still a little girl

 ):

And my avatar wants to leave because I won’t let her breathe

Smothering her with my fears of

Today …

Tomorrow…

And most of all yesterday

But she stays to play anyway

Realistic

Misogynistic

Can’t stand her because

She is protected

By her avatar

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-part-2-poetry#play

MY AVATAR, SHE LOVES TO COME OUT AND PLAY

WHILE KEEPING ALL THE BAD PEOPLE AWAY

SUGAR AND SPICE WAS A FANTASY THAT HAD BEEN REVERSED

BY AN EVIL CURSE THAT KEEPS SICK LYRICS PLAYING IN MY BRAIN

SHAME…

SHAME IS I CAN’T HIDE FROM MY HAZEL EYES

THAT KEEP SEEING ME DOWN THIS WICKED PATH

WHERE GARGOILS WHERE SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL SAFE

AND HIDE ME FROM MY TORTURED FATE

AND ONLY THEY KNOW WHERE I’VE BEEN

AS MY OCD FORCES ME TO REPEAT THINGS

OVER

AND OVER

AND OVER AGAIN

MY AVATAR PLAYS DOUBLE DUTCH, PATTY CAKE, HIDE AND SEEK

AND PLAYS THIS TAPE OVER AND OVER IN MY MIND SOMETIMES FOR WEEKS

NON STOP

THAT’S WHEN MY WATCHED STOPPED

AND FROZE ME RIGHT THEIR

FOR PEDESTRIANS TO STOP AND STAIR AT ME IN MY OBLIVIANCE

OLLIE-OLLIE IN COME FREE

IS WHAT THEY SCREAM AT ME

DEAMING

ME

BROKEN

WHILE I’M SMOKING UP ON YESTERDAY

AND MY AVATAR

SHE COMFORTS ME IN MY

DISOBIDENCE

SHE COMFORTS ME

IN MY DEVIANTS

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-part-3-poetry#

This twisted kiss

I’m hateing this

Exposing all this f****** s***

The word play

The “comments” today

Lead me down a path of twisted no where’s

With share and likes

But who is it that really sits behind that pc

From my solace carries malice

But you wouldn’t know just by reading me

Never seeing me but looking thru me

From my reality

My Avatar

She waves goodbye to me

Only a morbid sign

Of rotten chimes

Sounds of angels

But the root is mangled

And I will never be granted my wings

Because off all the bad things I’ve seen

As I watch her play on that wicked and rusted swing

Posting this s*** for you to read between what’s caught

The twisted thoughts

A f****** sadist

 Is how I made this

Sick game

For her own personal gain

Relived

Innocents

Free me from this dark cloud of razorblades

Anxiety and depression

Living in this lesson

That I tainted with my own haunted files

I only needed her for a little while

Now bats circle my bed

Like a storm brewing over my head

And stewing in suicidal thoughts

Caught in a web

That keeps me isolated

Gabriel keeps trying to get me to journey the map

It’s a silly trap and I remember the road that it traveled for wayyyyy to long

Singing hate me by blue October http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddxgsvjinlu

Left

Right

And none are right so I lose sight

Of what’s right with the wrong

And I listen while crying to blue October song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddxgsvjinlu

Hate me

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-part-4-poetry#play

HATE ME FOR LOVING YOU AND LOSING ME

AND I CAN’T STAND THE SAYING

IT’S GONNA BE , WHAT ITS GONNA BE

F****** MISOGINISTICS!

I RISK IT

MY MIND

SCREAMS

GET THE FUCKING RAZZOR BLADES AND JUST END THIS F****** S***

MY AVATAR SINGS LULLABIES AS THE THOUGHTS SLOWLY PERSIST

SOME WHERE PAST MY RAIN

GETTING HIGH ON COCAINE

WHILE SINGING

FUCK THE WORLD AND THIS LITTLE GIRL

I USE AS PROTECTION

SHE IS MY REFLECTION

SHE IS MY AVATAR

MY  PERFECTION

I MUSE JUST TO CONFUSE

TRAVELING ROADS WITH PAGONISTIC FOOLS

AND I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS LOST

AND LEFT BEHIND

WITH THIS GHOST

THAT WAS NOT FREE

BECAUSE MY AVATER REFUSED TO GROW UP WITH ME

MY ADVERSARIES WANTED TO MARRY ME AND CARRY PASS MY EXPIRATION DATE

BUT IT WAS FAIT THAT TIPPED THE SCALES

AND DID ALL THAT IT COULD TO RELEASE ME FROM MY CELL

FAIT LED ME BACK TO MY ADVATAR THAT TUCKED AWAY

SAFE

IN A DEEP DENIAL 

FILED

MEMORIES

CONFIDENTIAL AND SADISTIC

IF YOU ARE LOST BY THESE WORDS

YOU MAY NEED TO READ THIS AGAIN

BECAUSE YOU MISSED IT

GO AHEAD

READ IT AGAIN

AND RELIVE MY INSANITY

OVER

AND OVER 

AND OVER AGAIN

IF IT’S TO HARD FOR YOU TO FIND

HERE IS A HINT

IT’S HIDDEN

HIDDEN SOMEWHERE BEWTEEN THESE TWISTED LINES

SOMEWHERE MANGLED WITH THE RYME

I NEED A HOSPITAL TO SOOTH MY BROKEN LOWS

FROM BLACK COALS FREEBASIN IN MY SOUL

AND I NEED SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL

LIKE HENNA

AND A WEDDING SONG TO KEEP ME IN MY FANTASY

MISOGYNISM ROMANCES ME

DANCES WITH ME

DECIEVES ME

AND NEVER LEAVES MY SIDE

MY AVATAR SEEMS SO FREE

SHE LAUGHS AT MY ANXIETY

WHILE MY OCD HAS ME COUNTING

EVERY

MEMORY

SINSE 1983

AND THEY LIED TO ME

SO I SHOWER

OBSESSIVELY

OVER

AND OVER

AND OVER AGAIN

AND I AM WELL AWARE

THAT I AM F****** WEIRD

SO MY AVATAR KEEPS ME SAFE

WHILE I LIVE INSIDE THIS TWISTED PLACE

https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/12/avatar-short-read-poetry-form-part-1/

https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/16/my-avatar-poetry-part-3-w-audio/

https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/20/my-avatar-part-4/

https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/20/footnote-my-avatar/