Love me past the pain
And let it rain on yesterday
And the sun shine on today
I will be full grown
I was reaching for a dream
A figment of my imagination
I was reaching for love and pillow talk
I was reaching for arguments and make up sex
I was reaching for long walks and holidays together
I was reaching for surprise parties and baby clothes
I was reaching for a dream
A figment of my imagination
I was reaching for you
Let me start by saying I don’t have a religious bone in my body. Well, maybe one or two. I do consider myself a very spiritual woman on a continued search for greater insight. Neither am I a bible thumper. My grandmother used to read the book of Jonah to me all the time when I was a little girl. The bible story is just as real to me today as it was when I was a child. I have found myself in the belly of the beast more times than I wish to admit.
The story of Jonah and the whale intrigues me, I see myself as Jonah. So many times I have been disobedient to God when He gives me a direction. Sometimes I just flat out tell God no, as Jonah did. Jonah argued with God about going to the city of Nin-e-veh to warn the people to get their act together, that great city had become corrupt. Jonah tried to take a boat to another town, running as we sometimes do to escape ourselves. Jonah probably wouldn’t have gone to the city of Nin-e-veh had those people on the boat not thrown him off fearful for their own lives.
That’s the same way with association; we must be very careful who we associate ourselves with. The people on the boat knew bad things were happening to them through association with someone on that boat. Jonah was in the belly of the whale for three days and he was afraid. He prayed hard.
“Oh Lord, if you get me out of this whale I will go to Nin-e-veh and anywhere else you send me, I will go,”
Jonah pleaded. I often times find myself trying to make deals with God. Get me out of this situation and I will go to church every Sunday and give ten percent of my earnings. I still haven’t held up my end of the bargain, sadly, but God has.
Jonah fussed God out the entire way to the city of Nin-e-veh. Jonah did not want to go! Even after being spit out of the whale he was still fussing with God about having to go there. We can fuss God out if we want, He can handle our temper tantrums. Jonah was so angry he told God to take his life. God simply said very calmly, “it does you no good to be angry,” God is merciful, gracious and slow to anger.
God used Jonah to plant a seed in the people of Nin-e-veh’s hard heads. After Jonah warned them, the people in the city cried out to God. He promised to destroy the city but changed his mind. God gives us opportunities to repent, to make our wrongs right. He can turn a hopeless situation into something beautiful, He’s God
It doesn’t matter how bad we think we are God will send someone to help. Although Jonah was not obedient, he was stubborn and did what he wanted, God still used him. So don’t look at the messenger because God will use anything or anybody to save his sheep, he loves us (me.)
Jonah had been disobedient, got bum-rushed by the men on the boat. They tossed him over; he had been swallowed by a whale, in the belly of the beast for 3 days worrying if he would ever see the light of day. You all know how we get ourselves in situation and try and pray our way out at the last minute. The whale finally spit Jonah out where he washed up on the sea. He traveled to Nin-e-veh a three day hike on foot. Jonah was tired.
Jonah went through all that and still had to go to Nen-e-veh to warn the people. God knew Jonah needed a break and instantly grew him a tree for shade. God will not give us more than we can bear. Of course, after all Jonah had been through he went to sleep. When he awoke in the morning, it was hot as chicken grease outside and there was a sand storm. God sent a worm to destroy the tree he had given Jonah for shade. Jonah was so hot he fainted and started fussing God out again. (Jonah 4:9) Jonah said, “Just kill me, I will be angry with you as long as I want, till the day I die.”
This is a great story, a little mercy is better than no mercy at all. I fuss with God all the time, I am learning sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. When given a direction from the all mighty God, I better listen, before I find myself in the belly of the beast, again.
TONIGHT WAS MY LAST NIGHT AT THE DRUG DETOX , I’M TRANSFERING TO ANOTHER LOCATION. A FEW OF THE CLIENTS WERE ANGRY AT ME, IT WOULD APPEAR AS IF I WERE LEAVING THEM. THE HUMAN SERVICE FIELD CAN BE SUCH A DRAG, TONIGHT I’M SAD. MY CAREER IS MOVING ME FORWARD BUT I SURE WILL MISS THOSE CLIENTS, SO MANY GOOD MEMORIES.
CHANGE IS NOT ALWAYS COMFORTABLE (LONG SIGH) MY HOPE IS THAT THEY ALL STAY DRUG FREE BUT THE REALITY IS SUCH IS NOT THE CASE AND THAT ONLY MAKES ME SADDER ):
As I sit on the river listening to my new found freedom.
And my own kind of mixed up, but somewhat sane thoughts.
What a silent pleasure.
I look out at the water.
The muddy essence of the river clouds my nostrils and spider webs scale my face.
Once hated, now loved by me.
I see couples chit chatting, not really hearing the words but more of a whisper, as they walk holding hands.
MUST BE NICE…
There was a time I would have gotten angry; because they would have been sure to blow what I thought was a peaceful ride to heaven.
At this moment I only want to be seen riding into my thought.
Maybe so they can get a glimpse at a confused but somewhat sane mind at work.
As they walk by, a part of me wants them to ask?
“Miss, what are you writing?”
My story would only scare them.
I’m better off left alone to sort out this peaceful freedom on paper.
I am in a peaceful but somewhat dense thought.
This density is going nowhere because I notice there are no stars out tonight.
If God wakes me up to enjoy yet another peaceful freedom.
Thank you, Sanity
I’ve decided to write.
Tonight’s not like any other night.
Everything feels right, nothing’s wrong.
I haven’t felt this way in so long.
I’m at peace, all the chaos has finally ceased.
There’s so much to be grateful for.
God is opening so many doors.
Have you ever looked at the stars.
And wondered if there’s life force on mars.
And if their struggles are the same as ours.
My mind is not somewhere far away.
The only thing I worry about is what to cook today.
I’m not on the streets walking the beat.
Panhandling just to get a bite to eat.
Some angel sent down to lend a hand.
In the form of some perverted man.
And when I do get the money it’s like bee’s on honey.
Dope boys ridin’ with that look like…WASSUP!
So I do what I do, and I run like a little girl late for school.
They see desperation in my eyes.
They ask me.
Do you need this?
And of course I lie.
They’re tigers looking for meat.
So I get high and I’m back on the streets, with nowhere to go.
I know some old man’s looking for a show.
It’s lonely out here.
Damn, no one knows.
I look and see girls just as lonely as me, wishing to pray or praying to wish to be free.
But drugs were all we were able to see.
And I know deep down inside this isn’t really me.
I knew this man he took my girl for a ride.
I told her not to go she said she wouldn’t but she lied.
She thought I was try’na steal her trick.
It’s funny how a junkies mind ticks.
The core of this disease had me constantly on my knees and it wasn’t to pray.
There were many days I had to swallow my pride.
I was seriously contemplating suicide.
I just wanted to kill myself and die.
I was a hopeless bum ten times over and then some.
Why did my friend have to go for that ride?
I got this really strange feeling inside.
I kept seeing visions of her being swept up on a tide.
I kept getting these visions over and over again.
She’s probably high, real hard to defend.
It was during my worst days that I prayed.
I was walking through life’s crazy maze, and in an alley way there my friend laid.
This was bad news. I was lost and completely confused and was living in a world of self-centered fools!
I’ve been asking God to send me a sign.
Leave this place, right now’s the time.
This is where I’m at this moment is mine.
Should I stay or should I go?
Please someone help me ‘cause I don’t know.
All I know is where I’ve been, near death experiences and 100% sin.
I’ll never forget how I let this disease win.
When I think of the fire I’ve survived.
I often wonder why I’m still alive.
God has this major plan and I’m so excited cause I haven’t ran.
My friend got killed by some crazy man… but I believe she was part of Gods perfect plan.
Some have to die for others to live and for that reason I promise to give all of me to recovery.
I have one chance to make this right.
And for that reason I promise to always walk in Gods eye sight.
Wanna walk in my shoes?
I don’t think so.
These are places no one should ever go.
Thank you, Ladies of the Night.
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