Caged

A broken wing

To hang a thing

To think a thing

Then become that thing

Only I can see

And the many people who live in me

Somethings fucking wrong with me

An open rip

My brain is nipped

Aliens have me microchipped

Where the blackness hung

Hung me there

Hung me in the wood somewhere

And nowhere

I will my mind to not betray me

From beyond the thoughts

Sounding things

Exposing me

White noise urging me

Eyes were watching me

My heart was chasing me

My breath was racing me

Exhaust

Did

Live in me

To end this pain

Nervous bleeding in my brain

Dragged me back to somewhere and nowhere

At once

Everywhere

This!

Insanity

Living with

Social Anxiety

Image result for abortion artwork

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/remembering#share

As I sat on the edge of my bed praying for redemption

I felt the knot in my gut spring up in my soul

My body went cold and the memories took control

And I asked God for forgiveness because only he knew what I did

And the people who did it…

I got rid of that thing because I knew it was his

And I hated him

The thing was a monster

I wanted it gone

I wanted it dead

But still so much a part of me

I did not want the world to see

What this man planted in me

I laid still frozen on my back

While I heard the chants from the windows

From murmurs priest and Catholic’s

Screaming

MURDERER!

As one single tear drop fell from my eye

And collided pass my ear and slid down my neck

And froze itself right there

Tickling my neck

But this was not funny

And I dare not even crack a smile

I laid frozen on my back as the chants got louder

I refuse to cry because that would have been an admission of

Of…

Of…

Of something I dare not admit with this tongue

The thing was a monster

I wanted it gone

I wanted it dead

But still so much a part of me

This thing that lived inside of me

Was haunting me

And I heard him whisper

You are beautiful, as he brushed my hair to the side

Every night at 3 o clock in the morning

And I was mourning for my innocents

That I lost a long time ago

Now I live with this thing

This thing

This monstrous thing!

I just knew I’d be free…

As I laid there flat on my back

Spread eagle

Waiting for this thing to exit my womb

I wanted to bury it,,,

Tie a chain to it

And throw it in the sea

OF THE FORGOTTEN

AND THE FORGIVEN

So it can never again resurface

I was praying to have not

One

Single

Memory

Of this event

But here

I lay

20 Years Later

Still

Flat on my back

REMEMBERING…

For Halloween I want to be a morphine drip

To let the sun dry me up

And run healing through this broken cup

But there is no sun in October

And the weather is always better after the rain

The atmosphere is clearer

But the environment stays the same

 

For Halloween I want to be a morphine drip

And sip on tomorrow

And lend out me

And get back things people have barrowed

I want to empty this drip

And let go of Eden that holds on to me with a death grip

The Garden of Eden was not a place

But an atmosphere

And things are not always as beautiful as they may appear

 

For Halloween I want to be a morphine drip

So I can crawl backwards through my veins

And nod sluggishly off into corrosion

Mixing this chemical with the rain

 

I want to be a morphine drip

To plunge into this open rip

Keep me filled to slow this painful trip

 

Drip into this wrought

And saturate every

Contaminated

Delusional

Unclean

Thought

 

Drip until you can only see the whites of my eyes

Please don’t touch me

Because everything that enters me dies

So keep me planted in this metaphoric drip

Because October will soon be gone

Fall with me steep

Plunge with me this emotional deep

Curves play strange games

Crushing rocks benieth my feet

Where blood thirsty perves ryme verbs

Pass through nerves before we meet

Plunge with me this emotional deep

Fall with me steep

And when you awake I promise

I’ll be yours to keep

Fall with me

MY “VALLEY” (POETRY) w/ audio

https://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-valley-poetry 

Valleys can either make or break you

My Valley is lonely

 Isolated and full of deceit

Forcing me to retreat back to my shell

 I call a cell

Imprisoned to my own thoughts

Imprisoned to my own tormented mind

Way beyond the required time

I’m drowning in my own little house of horror

And my “Valley” won’t let me go

Silenced by my own paranoia

Afraid to accept LaToya just for whose she is

My intuition tells me I’m wrong

Because I’ve stayed in this “Valley” way too long

And I dressed it up with my own personal sorrow

Calgon won’t take it away

And Ativan only begs my “Valley” to stay

BUT IT’S MINE

I’ve staked claims on many things

Only to find out they were all frivolous flings

But this “Valley” is mine

And I’m not even sure I want to leave

Scared to retrieve the rainbow after the rain

Not sure how grateful I am for the pain

But at least it keeps me in my “Valley”

Away from the world

 That would want nothing more than to eat me alive

My “Valley” helps me survive

I don’t have to talk, smile or converse

And those dreadful hugs that sometimes makes my skin crawl

I often think about leaving this “Valley”

BUT I’M SCARED

When I first got here I promised myself I wouldn’t unpack

 

I knew when I noticed my toothbrush I had gone so far off track

Some say

“Just step out of the mud”

But until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes

PLEASE DON’T JUDGE

It’s mine and I’m just not ready to leave

HAPPY (POETRY)

I was in a dead zone

And no amount of encouragement could convince me

That

I wasn’t alone

There was a moan in my soul

And every emotion in me was cold

 

And my thoughts lied to me

 

So I did nothing

 

One day I woke up

And the pain subsided

And joy overrides

This dark emotion

 

And for a brief second

 

I was happy

 

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