I’ve been reading you
I’ve been inspired to write a random thought
A short verse
With many meanings
Inspired by: http://joannaoftheforest.wordpress.com/
Inspired
I am a writer, and the joy of being a writer is having some versatility. I get to write about whatever I want, and hope you, the reader, can find some common ground. “My Avatar” is dark; she is the little girl that lives in me, she is a spoiled, rotten, weird, little brat. She is all my fears and a product of every person who ever hurt me. She is all my resentments I still work so hard to let go of still today. She is a product of every man that ever broke my heart, starting with my father.
She is the product of a mother who was murdered and a father who was never around. “My Avatar” the character is a lot of things, but most of all she is afraid. She is afraid of you and she is afraid of the woman in me that continues to discipline her. “My Avatar” is more than a little dark. I love this project because it challenged me as a writer to write about something different.
When I read books, stories and poetry I often wonder if the people are anything like what or who they write about. Of course we are our characters on some level.
I had to put this footnote in this book. I had some friends who I trust to critique some of my writings ask me if I was alright. That made me smile; an effective writer should impact the reader. I believe I had done that. My hope is it will impact you the same way it did my friends who critiqued my manuscript. Of course I am ok, just me doing what I love to do, write.
WELCOME TO MY PEACEFUL INSANITY
http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-poetry#play
Why give me this body that imprisons my soul?
I Rome this bruised space hiding from my own disgrace
That spills over in my world
That only knows me as a little girl
But I am a woman!
And I know because I have the scars to prove it
I have titts and ass like an hour glass
And puberty has been years passed
But I am still a little girl
And my avatar wants to leave because I won’t let her breathe
Smothering her with my fears of
Today …
Tomorrow…
And most of all yesterday
But she stays to play anyway
Realistic
Misogynistic
Can’t stand her because
She is protected
By her avatar
My avatar loves to come out and play
While keeping all the bad people away
Sugar and spice was a fantasy that had been reversed
By an evil curse that keeps sick lyrics playing in my brain
Shame
Shame is I can’t hide from my hazel eyes
That keep seeing me down this wicked path
Where gargoyles were supposed to make me feel safe
And hide me from my tortured fate
And only they know where I’ve been
As my OCD forces me to repeat things
Over
And over
And over again
My avatar plays double dutch, patty cake, hide and seek
And plays these tapes over and over in my mind sometimes for weeks
Non-stop
That’s when my watched stopped
And froze me right there
For pedestrians to stop and stare at me in my obliviance
Ollie-ollie in come free
Is what they scream at me
deeming
Me
Broken
While I’m smoking up on yesterday
And my avatar
She comforts me in my
Disobedience
She comforts me
In my deviants
http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-part-3-poetry#
This twisted kiss
I’m hating this
Exposing all this fckin’ shit
The word play
The comments today
Lead me down a path of twisted no where’s
With share and likes
But who is it that really sits behind that pc
From my solace carries malice
But you wouldn’t know just by reading me
Never seeing me but looking thru me
From my reality
My Avatar
She waves goodbye to me
Only a morbid sign
Of rotten chimes
Sounds of angels
But the root is mangled
And I will never be granted my wings
Because off all the bad things I’ve seen
As I watch her play on that wicked and rusted swing
Posting this shit for you to read between what’s caught
The twisted thoughts
A fckin’ sadist
Is how I made this
Sick game
For her own personal gain
Re-lived
Innocents
Free me from this dark cloud of razor blades
Anxiety and depression
Living in this lesson
That I tainted with my own haunted files
I only needed her for a little while
Now bats circle my bed
Like a storm brewing over my head
And stewing in suicidal thoughts
Caught in a web
That keeps me isolated
Gabriel keeps trying to get me to journey the map
It’s a silly trap and I remember the road that it traveled for way too long
Singing hate me by Blue October http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddxgsvjinlu
Left
Right
And none are right so I lose sight
Of what’s right with the wrong
And I listen while crying to Blue October’s song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddxgsvjinlu
Hate me
http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-part-4-poetry#play
Hate me for loving you and losing me
I can’t stand the saying it
It’s gonna be what it’s gonna be
Fckin’ misogynistics!
I risk it
My mind
Screams
Get the fckin’ razor blades and just end this fckin’ shit
My avatar sings lullabies as the thoughts slowly persist
Somewhere pass my rain
Getting high on cocaine
While singing
Fuc the world and this little girl
I use as protection
She is my reflection
She is my avatar
My perfection
I muse just to confuse
Traveling roads with agonistic fools
I was the one who was lost
And left behind
With this ghost
That was not free
Because my avatar refused to grow up with me
My adversaries wanted to marry me and carry me pass my expiration date
But it was fate that tipped the scales
And did all that it could to release me from my cell
Faith led me back to my avatar that tucked me away
Safe
In a deep denial
Filed
Memories
Confidential and sadistic
If you are lost by these words
You may need to read this again
Because you missed it
Go ahead
Read it again
And relive my insanity
Over
And over
And over again
If it’s too hard for you to find
Here is a hint
It’s hidden
Hidden somewhere between these twisted lines
Somewhere mangled with the rhyme
I need a hospital to sooth my broken lows
From black coals free-basin’ in my soul
And I need something beautiful
Like henna
Or a wedding song to keep me in my fantasy
Misogynism romances me
Dances with me
Deceives me
And never leaves my side
My avatar seems so free
She laughs at my anxiety
While my OCD has me counting
Every
Memory
Since 1983
And they lied to me
So I shower
Obsessively
Over
And over
And over again
And I’m well aware
That I’m fckin’ weird
My avatar keeps me safe
While I live inside this twisted place
https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/20/my-avatar-part-4/
mentalnotes1 