Lineage

I can’t find my shoe string to my left boot because I unlaced it to shoot up
High on this fentanyl shit
Can’t take it
Enough is enough
My veins are confused
These streets are too ruff
I keep hitting that same vein crying
Dying
Trying hard not to give up
Sick ’cause my friend overdosed
Tryna’ find what she had
Drooling
Hard
Saliva
Getting high with my dad
Can’t stomach this life but which way do I go
I’m already six feet under
Chasing this dragon far reaching
Plateau
I know these streets are cursed
I’m well versed
I’ve planed out my funeral I have it rehearsed
I’ve been living in this nightmare
A sick fantasy
Reversed
Get well or die trying
Can’t stand feeling this hurt
First things first
Gotta find me a bathroom to get this blood out my shirt
I cry because I want out
I cry because I have to get well
I fantasize about being a little girl again
Playing hide and seek and riding porcelain horses
Carousel
Every day gotta find me a way
Gotta find somebody
Somebody help me get well today
Daddy sister aunty and uncle were junkies
Granny was too
I shot dope in the bathroom everyday during school
Fourteen years old
Daddy shot me up first
Two days later daddy was dead
O.D,ed while at work
I stay high because daddy, sister and uncle are gone
Granny too
Its been thirty years
Acute
And I’m still looking for my shoe string I took out of my left boot

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WAITING FOR YOU (POETRY W/AUDIO)

How long can I wait for you

To see the sun turn grey

Your nights running into my days

Waiting for you

Smoke filled tomes

Eyes sealed tight

Turning over graves

From this deadly mixture

And poison filled perfumes

I die

Waiting for you

To fill my heart beat cold

Pressure building from all the lies that you’ve told

And I wait

While this evil consumes me

 

 

THE OTHER ME (POETRY)

I waited for her to walk in the door

With her ghetto diction

She was my affliction

My addiction

And the reason why I was stricken and sickened

And plagued by her rage that went way beyond adult age

I gave her the keys and offered her other things

That was dear to me

And taunted the other me

I was tempted to walk away

But I played the fool and stayed

Another day

And another

And another

And I was wrong because I stayed way to long

I was fighting with the knot that gripped my soul

And I knew she was the reason I was old and alone

No one ever told me it would be like this

Once I kissed her majestic lips

Frozen in a matrix of denial

And still

WAITING

ON

HER

I SURVIVED! (POETRY REPOST ADDED AUDIO)

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/i-survived#play

YES I SURVIVED

IM SO GRATEFUL TO BE ALIVE!

BECAUSE I’VE ENDURED!

YES I’VE PUSHED ON!

AND YES I’VE SURVIVE!

WHAT SEEMED TO BE SOMETHING THAT WOULD NEVER EVER END!

I’VE LANDED ON MY FEET AND HERE I AM AGAIN!

BEAMING LIKE THE SUN!

SPROUTING LIKE A TREE!

AND EVERY DAY I WAKE UP, GOD WATERS ME!

MY PROCESS JUST STARTED AND I WILL PROBABLY NEVER BE DONE!

BUT EVERY NIGHT I GO TO BED I THANK GOD FOR WHO I’VE BECOME!

IM NOT THAT MASK I PUT ON SOMETIMES FOR THE WORLD TO SEE!

THAT’S JUST SOMETHING I PUT ON TO PROTECT THE LITTLE GIRL IN ME!

AND IT BOTHERS ME WHEN PEOPLE CAN SEE MY VULNERABILITY.

BUT, IM LEARNING!

AND I PUSH ON!

AND NO!

I HAVE NOT ARRIVED!

BUT EVERY NOW AND THEN I TAKE OFF A LAYER AND THAT OLD PART OF ME DIES!

IT’S NOT EASY!

AND IT’S NOT COMFORTABLE!

AND THE PROCESS NEVER ENDS!

GOD WILL SEND YOU SOMEONE ONE DAY YOUR COMFORTABLE CALLING FRIEND!

ONE DAY YOU WAKE UP AND THE FEELING MAY BE REALLY, REALLY WEIRD.

BECAUSE ALL YOUR PAST PAIN HAS COMPLETLEY DISAPEARED.

AND IF NOT TOTALLY.

I PROMISE SOME WOULD HAVE GONE AWAY.

PREPARING YOU FOR SOMEONE YOU’LL SAY THE SAME THINGS TO ONE DAY.

IM SO, SO, SO GRATEFUL TO BE ALIVE!

BECAUSE I’VE ENDURED!

YES I’VE PUSHED ON!

AND YES!

I HAVE SURVIED!!!!!

                                                                       

Thank you, Tammy “Pitt Bull” Johnson

SISTERS (POETRY)

 I pray before I start

Because these words are coming from the deepest part of my heart

I prayed for her like she prayed for me

That the light one day she’d be willing to see

Over the years she told me some of her deepest fears

And I know it”s ok to cry because these are happy tears

I’ve been on the sidelines rooting for her every day

I knew somehow God would help her to find her way

I know she had to fight the whole way through

I know because I’ve been there

I had to fight too

I’ve been some of the same places she’s been

And it hurt at times that I was unable to be her friend

There was some hurt that I was still trying to mend

My love for my sister is deep and true

But I’m still hurt and I’m still healing too

It really hurt to see addiction drag my sister into that hole

It doesn’t discriminate it takes family friends and  Foes

We should have listened when mamma told us to just say no

But my response was always the same…

Mamma I know

Anyway the hurt is still the same

She must have thought I was joking when I told her this was no game

She saw me struggle

Drugs riddled me to the core

And I am so grateful that God has the power to restore

I remember when she cried

She told me she was tired

She could no longer fight

I looked her in the eyes and said

I need you

And I need you on this night

I pleaded for her to stay just a little while more

But just as fast as she came she was back out the door

She looked towards the ground

Looked at me and said

I will be back when I get

ONE MORE

Her eyes were filled with pain

She didn’t want to be loved

She only wanted more cocaine

I pleaded with her to let me help her

She was my baby sister

I pulled her close and hugged and kissed her

And even in my own addiction

I really, really missed her

What I know is she is walking that same dark path

The disease will get you

And it will get you fast

My baby sister is all alone out there on the streets

I want for her so badly to be free

She is my baby sister and that’s all I am able to see

I’m often reminded that the same God taking care of her

Is the same God that took such good care of me

My sister died of an overdose

God has set her free

And He’s still taking care of her

And watching over me

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