ONLY A FOOL CONTINUES TO THINK ABOUT
WHAT WAS
BUT WORST OF ALL
WHAT COULD NEVER BE
BUT BOY DOES IT HURT
THAT NO ONE CAN KNOW
BUT GOD AND ME
LOST GIRLS (INSERT FROM EPIGRAM)
http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/lost-girls-poetry#play
I kept getting these visions over and over again
She’s probably high, real hard to defend
It was during my worst days that I prayed
I was walking through life’s crazy maze
and in an alley way there my friend laid
This was bad news
I was lost and completely confused
And was living in a world of self-centered fools!
I’ve been asking God to send me a sign
Leave this place, right now’s the time
This is where I’m at
This moment is mine
Should I stay?
Or should I go?
Please someone help me ‘cause I don’t know!
All I know is where I’ve been, near death experiences and 100% sin
I’ll never forget how I let this disease win
When I think of the fire I’ve survived
I often wonder why I’m still alive
God has this major plan and I’m so excited cause I haven’t ran
My friend got killed by some crazy man
But I believe she was part of Gods perfect plan
Some have to die for others to live
And for that reason I promise to give all of me to recovery
I have one chance to make this right
And for that reason I promise to always walk in Gods eye sight
Wanna walk in my shoes?
I don’t think so
These are places no one should ever go
CONNECTED (KINDA EROTIC POETRY)
I AM CONNECTED TO YOU
SUBJECTED TO YOU
PROTECTED BY YOU
I’M REFLECTING ON YOU
BLOOD LINKED TO YOU
CAPTIVE TO YOU
INFATUATED BY YOU
SATURATED BY YOU
MELTED INTO YOU
CONFUSED BY YOU
BAHOOVED BY YOU
A PLATOON FOR YOU
A DARK MOON FOR YOU
I GROOM FOR YOU
AT HIGH NOON ME AND YOU
TRUE TO YOU
BLUE WHEN I’M NOT WITH YOU
MY BODY ACHES FOR YOU
MY NIBBLES PERTRUDE FOR YOU
I BACK THIS THING UP FOR YOU
SWRIL ON THAT THANG FOR YOU
TASTE EVERY INCH OF YOU
OPEN WIDE FOR YOU
DEFY THAT OCEANS TIDE FOR YOU
CRY FOR YOU
GET NAKED FOR YOU
MOAN REAL NASTY FOR YOU
TEARS DROPPING ON YOUR CHEST
WHILE I’M RIDING YOU
PENETRATE ME SO I CAN SCREAM FOR YOU
PLEASURE MYSELF WHILE I DO YOU
CAN’T SAY GOODBYE TO YOU
MY SOUL BLEEDS FOR YOU
MY BODY HAS A NEED FOR YOU
WANNA PLANT A SEED FOR YOU
GIVE ME A BABY SO IT CAN BE
ME
OUR CHILD
AND YOU
I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU
DANCE FOR YOU
STARE IN YOUR EYES
LOOKING INTO YOU
THINKING OF YOU
ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT YOU
MEDITATEING ON YOU
I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU
FOREVER CONNECTED TO YOU
Mountain
Get
Out
Of
My
Way
My praise feels things
No man can ever see
I worship with him
Just God and me
You can’t see that mountain I moved
I moved it through grooves
Tombs
And empty rooms
Yup just me and God (:
And you weren’t there
When the signs said beware
And I entered anyway
God moved demons out of my way
Preparing me for another day
And the sun always shinned on my weary soul
While I picked away at this human hole
See you weren’t there
When he gently held me
And rocked me into submission
Cause I was fixin’ to die
And the years flew by
And tears flowed from my troubled eyes
And I lost a part of me every time I tried
But I moved that mountain!
But you were not their
It took a lot of trust
But in my heart I knew
That if I gave it to you
Only then could I be made new
See they were not there
When I walked in the valley of the shadows of death
Tempting all evil
See, I believed them when they said
I’ll never leave you
But they weren’t there
See my worship is real
The devil is mad that I sealed the deal
And I am sold out (: !!
See you weren’t there
When I begged god to take it
Cause I couldn’t shake it
And I was sure that if I lived to see another day
That I wouldn’t make it
See you were not there
I moved that mountain
But you weren’t their
When my life was plagued by fear
And I pushed every one away who tried to care
See you weren’t there
See I had a leak in my soul
And I needed to show this mountain
That
It
Did
Not
Move
Me
See I moved that mountain
But you were not their
SISTERS (POETRY)
I pray before I start
Because these words are coming from the deepest part of my heart
I prayed for her like she prayed for me
That the light one day she’d be willing to see
Over the years she told me some of her deepest fears
And I know it”s ok to cry because these are happy tears
I’ve been on the sidelines rooting for her every day
I knew somehow God would help her to find her way
I know she had to fight the whole way through
I know because I’ve been there
I had to fight too
I’ve been some of the same places she’s been
And it hurt at times that I was unable to be her friend
There was some hurt that I was still trying to mend
My love for my sister is deep and true
But I’m still hurt and I’m still healing too
It really hurt to see addiction drag my sister into that hole
It doesn’t discriminate it takes family friends and Foes
We should have listened when mamma told us to just say no
But my response was always the same…
Mamma I know
Anyway the hurt is still the same
She must have thought I was joking when I told her this was no game
She saw me struggle
Drugs riddled me to the core
And I am so grateful that God has the power to restore
I remember when she cried
She told me she was tired
She could no longer fight
I looked her in the eyes and said
I need you
And I need you on this night
I pleaded for her to stay just a little while more
But just as fast as she came she was back out the door
She looked towards the ground
Looked at me and said
I will be back when I get
ONE MORE
Her eyes were filled with pain
She didn’t want to be loved
She only wanted more cocaine
I pleaded with her to let me help her
She was my baby sister
I pulled her close and hugged and kissed her
And even in my own addiction
I really, really missed her
What I know is she is walking that same dark path
The disease will get you
And it will get you fast
My baby sister is all alone out there on the streets
I want for her so badly to be free
She is my baby sister and that’s all I am able to see
I’m often reminded that the same God taking care of her
Is the same God that took such good care of me
My sister died of an overdose
God has set her free
And He’s still taking care of her
And watching over me
FIX ME… (HAIKU)
MAKE ME OVER PLEASE
I GIVE IT ALL TO YOU LORD
FIX ME, RENEW ME
I am a writer, and the joy of being a writer is having some versatility. I get to write about whatever I want, and hope you, the reader, can find some common ground. “My Avatar” is dark; she is the little girl that lives in me, she is a spoiled, rotten, weird, little brat. She is all my fears and a product of every person who ever hurt me. She is all my resentments I still work so hard to let go of still today. She is a product of every man that ever broke my heart, starting with my father.
She is the product of a mother who was murdered and a father who was never around. “My Avatar” the character is a lot of things, but most of all she is afraid. She is afraid of you and she is afraid of the woman in me that continues to discipline her. “My Avatar” is more than a little dark. I love this project because it challenged me as a writer to write about something different.
When I read books, stories and poetry I often wonder if the people are anything like what or who they write about. Of course we are our characters on some level.
I had to put this footnote in this book. I had some friends who I trust to critique some of my writings ask me if I was alright. That made me smile; an effective writer should impact the reader. I believe I had done that. My hope is it will impact you the same way it did my friends who critiqued my manuscript. Of course I am ok, just me doing what I love to do, write.
WELCOME TO MY PEACEFUL INSANITY
http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-poetry#play
Why give me this body that imprisons my soul?
I Rome this bruised space hiding from my own disgrace
That spills over in my world
That only knows me as a little girl
But I am a woman!
And I know because I have the scars to prove it
I have titts and ass like an hour glass
And puberty has been years passed
But I am still a little girl
And my avatar wants to leave because I won’t let her breathe
Smothering her with my fears of
Today …
Tomorrow…
And most of all yesterday
But she stays to play anyway
Realistic
Misogynistic
Can’t stand her because
She is protected
By her avatar
My avatar loves to come out and play
While keeping all the bad people away
Sugar and spice was a fantasy that had been reversed
By an evil curse that keeps sick lyrics playing in my brain
Shame
Shame is I can’t hide from my hazel eyes
That keep seeing me down this wicked path
Where gargoyles were supposed to make me feel safe
And hide me from my tortured fate
And only they know where I’ve been
As my OCD forces me to repeat things
Over
And over
And over again
My avatar plays double dutch, patty cake, hide and seek
And plays these tapes over and over in my mind sometimes for weeks
Non-stop
That’s when my watched stopped
And froze me right there
For pedestrians to stop and stare at me in my obliviance
Ollie-ollie in come free
Is what they scream at me
deeming
Me
Broken
While I’m smoking up on yesterday
And my avatar
She comforts me in my
Disobedience
She comforts me
In my deviants
http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-part-3-poetry#
This twisted kiss
I’m hating this
Exposing all this fckin’ shit
The word play
The comments today
Lead me down a path of twisted no where’s
With share and likes
But who is it that really sits behind that pc
From my solace carries malice
But you wouldn’t know just by reading me
Never seeing me but looking thru me
From my reality
My Avatar
She waves goodbye to me
Only a morbid sign
Of rotten chimes
Sounds of angels
But the root is mangled
And I will never be granted my wings
Because off all the bad things I’ve seen
As I watch her play on that wicked and rusted swing
Posting this shit for you to read between what’s caught
The twisted thoughts
A fckin’ sadist
Is how I made this
Sick game
For her own personal gain
Re-lived
Innocents
Free me from this dark cloud of razor blades
Anxiety and depression
Living in this lesson
That I tainted with my own haunted files
I only needed her for a little while
Now bats circle my bed
Like a storm brewing over my head
And stewing in suicidal thoughts
Caught in a web
That keeps me isolated
Gabriel keeps trying to get me to journey the map
It’s a silly trap and I remember the road that it traveled for way too long
Singing hate me by Blue October http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddxgsvjinlu
Left
Right
And none are right so I lose sight
Of what’s right with the wrong
And I listen while crying to Blue October’s song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddxgsvjinlu
Hate me
http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-part-4-poetry#play
Hate me for loving you and losing me
I can’t stand the saying it
It’s gonna be what it’s gonna be
Fckin’ misogynistics!
I risk it
My mind
Screams
Get the fckin’ razor blades and just end this fckin’ shit
My avatar sings lullabies as the thoughts slowly persist
Somewhere pass my rain
Getting high on cocaine
While singing
Fuc the world and this little girl
I use as protection
She is my reflection
She is my avatar
My perfection
I muse just to confuse
Traveling roads with agonistic fools
I was the one who was lost
And left behind
With this ghost
That was not free
Because my avatar refused to grow up with me
My adversaries wanted to marry me and carry me pass my expiration date
But it was fate that tipped the scales
And did all that it could to release me from my cell
Faith led me back to my avatar that tucked me away
Safe
In a deep denial
Filed
Memories
Confidential and sadistic
If you are lost by these words
You may need to read this again
Because you missed it
Go ahead
Read it again
And relive my insanity
Over
And over
And over again
If it’s too hard for you to find
Here is a hint
It’s hidden
Hidden somewhere between these twisted lines
Somewhere mangled with the rhyme
I need a hospital to sooth my broken lows
From black coals free-basin’ in my soul
And I need something beautiful
Like henna
Or a wedding song to keep me in my fantasy
Misogynism romances me
Dances with me
Deceives me
And never leaves my side
My avatar seems so free
She laughs at my anxiety
While my OCD has me counting
Every
Memory
Since 1983
And they lied to me
So I shower
Obsessively
Over
And over
And over again
And I’m well aware
That I’m fckin’ weird
My avatar keeps me safe
While I live inside this twisted place
https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/20/my-avatar-part-4/
STORM :)ELEMENTARY POETRY(:
SHE WAS SMOOTH
AND SNEAKY ALL THE SAME
I WAS IN A STORM
THUS CAME HER STORMY NAME
SHE’S LOVABLE
AND GREY
AND SOME OTHER COLORS TOO
I FELL IN LOVE WITH MY CAT
SHE’S MY STORMY BOO-BOO
I OFTEN WRITE LENGTHY POEMS AND EPIGRAMS THAT MAKE ME THINK TO DEEP
SO TODAY I AM TAKEING IT EASY. A WRITER HAS TO NURTURE THEIR MIND SOMETIMES
GOING IN TO DEEP TO OFTEN CAN BE VERY DRAINING FOR THE WRITER AND THE READER
SO TODAY IM KEEPING IT SIMPLE……K.I.S.S
I AM POETRY (JUST A THOUGHT)
AND SO I WRITE…
mentalnotes1 