I’ve decided to write.
Tonight’s not like any other night.
Everything feels right, nothing’s wrong.
I haven’t felt this way in so long.
I’m at peace, all the chaos has finally ceased.
There’s so much to be grateful for.
God is opening so many doors.
Have you ever looked at the stars.
And wondered if there’s life force on mars.
And if their struggles are the same as ours.
My mind is not somewhere far away.
The only thing I worry about is what to cook today.
I’m not on the streets walking the beat.
Panhandling just to get a bite to eat.
Some angel sent down to lend a hand.
In the form of some perverted man.
And when I do get the money it’s like bee’s on honey.
Dope boys ridin’ with that look like…WASSUP!
So I do what I do, and I run like a little girl late for school.
They see desperation in my eyes.
They ask me.
Do you need this?
And of course I lie.
They’re tigers looking for meat.
So I get high and I’m back on the streets, with nowhere to go.
I know some old man’s looking for a show.
It’s lonely out here.
Damn, no one knows.
I look and see girls just as lonely as me, wishing to pray or praying to wish to be free.
But drugs were all we were able to see.
And I know deep down inside this isn’t really me.
I knew this man he took my girl for a ride.
I told her not to go she said she wouldn’t but she lied.
She thought I was try’na steal her trick.
It’s funny how a junkies mind ticks.
The core of this disease had me constantly on my knees and it wasn’t to pray.
There were many days I had to swallow my pride.
I was seriously contemplating suicide.
I just wanted to kill myself and die.
I was a hopeless bum ten times over and then some.
Why did my friend have to go for that ride?
I got this really strange feeling inside.
I kept seeing visions of her being swept up on a tide.
I kept getting these visions over and over again.
She’s probably high, real hard to defend.
It was during my worst days that I prayed.
I was walking through life’s crazy maze, and in an alley way there my friend laid.
This was bad news. I was lost and completely confused and was living in a world of self-centered fools!
I’ve been asking God to send me a sign.
Leave this place, right now’s the time.
This is where I’m at this moment is mine.
Should I stay or should I go?
Please someone help me ‘cause I don’t know.
All I know is where I’ve been, near death experiences and 100% sin.
I’ll never forget how I let this disease win.
When I think of the fire I’ve survived.
I often wonder why I’m still alive.
God has this major plan and I’m so excited cause I haven’t ran.
My friend got killed by some crazy man… but I believe she was part of Gods perfect plan.
Some have to die for others to live and for that reason I promise to give all of me to recovery.
I have one chance to make this right.
And for that reason I promise to always walk in Gods eye sight.
Wanna walk in my shoes?
I don’t think so.
These are places no one should ever go.
Thank you, Ladies of the Night.
John 3:16 is my favorite bible verse.
Life couldn’t have gotten any worse.
This shit couldn’t have been rehearsed.
No actor good enough to play this role.
I’m taking back what the devil stole.
I got up every day like a child on her usual way to school.
Except the wolves were waiting for me with a mouth full of drool.
I was no longer Goldie Lox with bobbie socks, diamonds and pearls, sugar and spice and everything nice.
My story was ice! Not so nice!
My body was sold for a very small price.
Winters were all year round.
My inner child lost never to be found.
STOLEN SHE WAS!
I’m not gonna dress it up like Rue Paul cause it was time to go WHENEVER the beast called.
I was lost and demanded to know what all this was for.
I was tired of being some white man’s whore.
I alone was incapable of tearing down this custom made door.
Now allow me to take you for this walk.
The streets were calling out to me with its rough ghetto talk.
I wasn’t forced to go and I wasn’t blaming anyone at least I didn’t think so.
I made up my mind and could have just said no.
Sad to say I’ve been places a rat wouldn’t go.
Shooting dope and drawling up water from puddles of snow.
I was lost and bound to this evil drug game, 30cc’s 40cc’s filled with heroin and cocaine.
I was emotionless, angry, and numb from this pain.
I didn’t think God knew who I was let alone my name.
I wondered in the wilderness lost and confused and the deepest part of my soul was being entertained by the blues, consumed with bad news, can’t even snap cause I used the last fuse try’na rob dude.
I was a walking time bomb.
Never been in the army but I swore I was in Guam.
Like a Vietnam veteran visions they clearly see.
Please free me from this dark cloud the devil has over me.
Swimming in my dreams devils and snakes they’re all the same.
Playing tapes in my mind that makes my tracks look like a childhood game.
Suspended euphoria to blind me with fear.
Leaving me so crippled I was deaf and could not hear.
That voice, low but audible…
STOP, YOU’RE SPECIAL TO ME!!!
But when I looked in the mirror it was dreadful the image that stared back at me.
I was exactly how I appeared.
I was lost and bound to a zillion little tears.
I was scared and didn’t want people to see all that I really feared.
It’s a twisted parable can you help me find.
Here’s a hint, it’s hidden, hidden somewhere between these lines.
The cosmic electrons in my brain won’t let me sleep.
Because tonight I let my pen go too deep.
It’s hard to sleep when you’re waiting to be found like the story in the bible about that one lost sheep.
To Thine Own Self Be True.
I’d lurk the disease back my way like a suicidal fool.
My girlfriends tried to warn me, but they didn’t want to see me happy and free.
I chalked it up as simple female jealousy.
I’d peer back in my past my toe so far away.
My mind’s not made up but I walk right the devils way.
It’s sad because I know I’ll never win.
Forget the toe I go head first I decide to take a swim.
It’s bad now there biting at me the snake the sharks and all.
The disease whispers with much hate you decided to take this fall.
I saw the signs, the signs clearly said beware.
It’s such a shame but at the time I simply didn’t care.
I cried a lot.
I wasn’t sure who was at fault.
Like Lots wife I’d look back and every time I’d crumble like a pillar of salt.
This was crazy, after everything, how hard and hard I fought.
Just like that, chasing the wind I let go of everything I was taught.
After all I’ve seen these places so many times before.
It wasn’t like I didn’t know what was behind that dark and painful door.
You’d think I was begging for the disease to give me more.
Now let me tell you, the shit is still the same.
The only thing that’s changed is this horrific cynical game.
I gave some things. It stole some things.
That I cannot lie.
I clearly gave up on myself and told my old life goodbye.
The disease tried to rob me of my life.
But I’ve got a force much stronger.
Jehovah Jirah, Allah and Jesus Christ.
Whatever you want to call him, I call him by his name.
Do what you do…say what say… to me they’re all the same.
Remember my situation I went head first into a hole.
I went so fast it got harder and harder to control.
How quickly I will sink when I don’t think
That my life could be over in just one simple blink.
Thank you, Relapse and Recovery