Lineage

I can’t find my shoe string to my left boot because I unlaced it to shoot up
High on this fentanyl shit
Can’t take it
Enough is enough
My veins are confused
These streets are too ruff
I keep hitting that same vein crying
Dying
Trying hard not to give up
Sick ’cause my friend overdosed
Tryna’ find what she had
Drooling
Hard
Saliva
Getting high with my dad
Can’t stomach this life but which way do I go
I’m already six feet under
Chasing this dragon far reaching
Plateau
I know these streets are cursed
I’m well versed
I’ve planed out my funeral I have it rehearsed
I’ve been living in this nightmare
A sick fantasy
Reversed
Get well or die trying
Can’t stand feeling this hurt
First things first
Gotta find me a bathroom to get this blood out my shirt
I cry because I want out
I cry because I have to get well
I fantasize about being a little girl again
Playing hide and seek and riding porcelain horses
Carousel
Every day gotta find me a way
Gotta find somebody
Somebody help me get well today
Daddy sister aunty and uncle were junkies
Granny was too
I shot dope in the bathroom everyday during school
Fourteen years old
Daddy shot me up first
Two days later daddy was dead
O.D,ed while at work
I stay high because daddy, sister and uncle are gone
Granny too
Its been thirty years
Acute
And I’m still looking for my shoe string I took out of my left boot

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His eyes weighed heavy on me like 500 hundred pound dumb bells

Hoping he couldn’t read into all my body language and what it could tell

Cause I was moved by his smooth

But was playing it cool

And was trying to keep to this first time rule

I really needed him to move from my side ways view

I was afraid he could see

The fear that lied in me

And smell the lust that rivaled in my mind

And made musical notes in a pattern down my spin

And he was poetry to my soul

From the top of my head to my pinky toe

I swear I felt him land

Dangling like candy above the palm of my hand

Because when I looked at him I saw nothing but man

And boy was I trying hard not to look

Because his smooth had me shook

As I peered deeper and deeper into my book

Pretending to read

And trying hard to breath

As he moved closer to me

At a manly speed

This was the third time we had met

At this very place

And each time he took in

Every inch of my face

Starting at my eyes

And ending at my waist

My emotions failed me

And his eyes derailed me

He sat beside me

Anxiety over rides me

I thought

This isn’t fair I just wanted to sit here

His scent scaled my nose

And every emotion in me rose

BECAUSE HE SMELLED SO GOOD!

I’d kiss him if I could

But he was a stranger

I smelled DANGER

I had to tame her

That thing in me that said many things

That only pain would bring

I moved fast

Trying to erase my past

And I had to let go of the belief

That even love don’t last

I am not a victim

And won’t hold myself hostage to my past

He was dark like chocolate

Just how I liked it

So I relaxed my wall

And he turned and looked at me

And it took deliberate effort for me to get up and leave

Can I have your number?

PLEASE

This is the 3rd time I”ve seen you

Can we make it four

You intrigue me, he said

And I’d like to know more

I would come back to this place

Because he had planted a seed

But all I could do was get up and leave):

I WILL MEET HIM AGAIN

AT THAT SAME COFFEE SPOT

AND THIS TIME….

WELL YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW

FOR THE NEXT UPDATE

MY MYSTERY MAN (:

TRUE STORY

 

MIDKNIGHT (EPIGRAM)

Needing validation from some man

Any man

Wanting to be someone’s biggest fan

While my mind ran wild

Reminiscing about the boys I was attracted to as a child

The excitement that ran thru me was too intense to describe

There was this one particular guy that gave me this awfully strange vibe

And yes!

I was wide open for him

With his big back and size 9 brown Tim’s

He said, with his dark juicy lips

I stood there with attitude with my hands on my hips

He said

“girl you so pretty I just had to let you know, can I take you to dinner or maybe a show”

I was mesmerized by his smooth dark skin

My defenses wanted to say no but I knew the softness in me would win

I went home nervous and filled with fear

My heart wouldn’t stop pounding and on top of that I had absolutely nothing to wear

There was a war going on in my mind that my heart wasn’t trying hear

I decided to call him and tell him I couldn’t go

He picked up the phone, I guess caller ID and said, please don’t tell me no

I was in a panic could this really be

Could this handsome man really like me

We went to dinner and of course a show

I wasn’t sure what to expect I really didn’t know

I stared at him gently and thought

I don’t know how anyone can tell this man no

Women they stopped and stared

I cut my eyes at those broads like don’t even dare

This man was handsome and OH SO FINE

And just for tonight Mr. Chocolate was all mine

The men they whispered

“Dame she’s a dime”

He tipped the waiter and said

“Bring us the finest wine”

The restaurant was nice and yes full of talk

I got up and excused myself with my oh so sexy walk

The men they eyed and said dame who is she

My midknight turned around and said.

“Oh she’s with me”

We laughed and talked and got to know what each other liked

I was so nervous ‘cause everything felt so right

Meanwhile I was filled with fear

The night was almost over and I was really, really scared

Was he like the others would he try to get me in his bed

He looked at me, said goodnight, and kissed my hand instead

That was really different, that I couldn’t take

All thru the night my thoughts I would awake

This man had me shook with his manly ways and his oh so serious look

There came a day he said

“We need to talk seriously”

That was the day I said yes and became his wife to be

Remember in the beginning when I was tempted to say no

Well it’s been 25 years and I’m glad he made me go

Imagine 25 years with just one man

I’m proud to say he still loves me and I’m still his biggest fan

MISTRESS (EPIGRAM W/AUDIO) (REVISED)

https://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/mistress-1

I met him; I fell in love with him

I knew he wasn’t mines

But he grew on me

Like a 19^th century bottle of

Old money kind’a wine

She knew about us for years

And for years she took a back seat

Because she knew without me

His heart was strangely weak

He was a police officer

And in the line of duty, he was shot

I screamed!

Please tell me he is not dead!

Please tell me he is not!!

He layed in the hospital

In that dreadful coma for 20 long weeks

It was not her body he longed for

Between those hospital sheets

It was hard for her to deny

Because she knew if she did not find me

Her husband would surely die

This woman knew he was in love with me

And only wanted her husband to survive

So willing to do anything

To keep her husband alive

She grabbed his phone

Braced herself

And stood up on her feet

She sought me out knowing

His heart was strangely weak

I laid with him

And she approved of me

In that hospital bed

She silently requested help

And pushed me towards his bed

A few days later he awoke

And I jumped up between his sheets

And it killed her

As she looked on

Knowing

I was the reason

His heart still beat

Its been three years now

And she is still his wife ):

And  everyday

I regret the day

I saved that bastards life!

VOICE (EPIGRAM REPOST W/AUDIO)

https://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/voice

 

His name was Tommy and his spirit’s alive and well.

I hope you don’t mind it’s his story I shall tell.

He would be 37 but at the time he was 12.

And for many years his life was a living hell.

Well it’s his father he despised.

All his sneaky ways and dirty little lies.

His dad was strange in many different ways.

What Tommy didn’t know is his dad had full blown AIDS.

His dad was in denial; he wouldn’t take any meds.

Every night Tommy’s dad would cry then come lay in Tommy’s bed.

Tommy was 12, to him a man, he knew this wasn’t right.

He’d lay there quiet, he dare not fight.

He was 15 and with every fiber he said NO!

His dad looked at him and they both stood toe to toe.

Tommy stood strong as his dad raised his fist.

This was his life and wasn’t it supposed to be a gift.

Life’s meaning erased.

And even his favorite pie had a bitter taste.

He started feeling strange but he didn’t want to believe. 

His dad had given him this horrible disease called HIV.

Tommy’s life at this point, he felt like he had no say.

Because the thoughts and feelings he was having surely made him gay.

His father died and he was glad to see him go.

He was a constant reminder of this disease and no one else could know.

This thing had him tossing and turning all through the night.

He was tired and said, Toya, I just don’t have the strength to fight.

Tommy let the years pass him by with each passing day.

The truth was he was scared and let fear lead the way.

He was like a shadow chasing the sun until it disappeared.

Tommy was lost and bound to a zillion little tears.

Strangely his first semester class did a project on children with AIDS.

And he decided to take his life back on that very special day.

As he walked through the hospital children marked by sores.

Babies in small bubbles; his heart was completely torn.

He ran to the bathroom and cried until he hit the floor.

He asked God; please tell me what is all this for?

I don’t do drugs.

I don’t sleep around.

And Tommy didn’t want to be gay.

His dad was just a real sick man that took his innocence away.

For all the children who don’t have a choice.

Tommy decided to take a stand and be the children’s voice.

He stood in front of thousands and said…

My name is Tommy and I have AIDS.

And I’m speaking for all the little people who become victims every day.

His body’s 6 feet under but his spirit’s still alive.

And if you’re reading this then his spirit has survived.

This is Tommy’s way of continuing to be the children’s voice.

This is for all the little people who never had a choice.

 

 

                                                Thank you, Tommy.

SISTERS (POETRY)

 I pray before I start

Because these words are coming from the deepest part of my heart

I prayed for her like she prayed for me

That the light one day she’d be willing to see

Over the years she told me some of her deepest fears

And I know it”s ok to cry because these are happy tears

I’ve been on the sidelines rooting for her every day

I knew somehow God would help her to find her way

I know she had to fight the whole way through

I know because I’ve been there

I had to fight too

I’ve been some of the same places she’s been

And it hurt at times that I was unable to be her friend

There was some hurt that I was still trying to mend

My love for my sister is deep and true

But I’m still hurt and I’m still healing too

It really hurt to see addiction drag my sister into that hole

It doesn’t discriminate it takes family friends and  Foes

We should have listened when mamma told us to just say no

But my response was always the same…

Mamma I know

Anyway the hurt is still the same

She must have thought I was joking when I told her this was no game

She saw me struggle

Drugs riddled me to the core

And I am so grateful that God has the power to restore

I remember when she cried

She told me she was tired

She could no longer fight

I looked her in the eyes and said

I need you

And I need you on this night

I pleaded for her to stay just a little while more

But just as fast as she came she was back out the door

She looked towards the ground

Looked at me and said

I will be back when I get

ONE MORE

Her eyes were filled with pain

She didn’t want to be loved

She only wanted more cocaine

I pleaded with her to let me help her

She was my baby sister

I pulled her close and hugged and kissed her

And even in my own addiction

I really, really missed her

What I know is she is walking that same dark path

The disease will get you

And it will get you fast

My baby sister is all alone out there on the streets

I want for her so badly to be free

She is my baby sister and that’s all I am able to see

I’m often reminded that the same God taking care of her

Is the same God that took such good care of me

My sister died of an overdose

God has set her free

And He’s still taking care of her

And watching over me

DANGER (EPIGRAM / POETRY) TRUE STORY…

DANGER (EPIGRAM / POETRY) TRUE STORY….

HAUNTED HOUSE (EPIGRAM ABOUT BEING TRAPPED IN YOUR OWN MIND)

HAUNTED HOUSE (EPIGRAM).