I can’t find my shoe string to my left boot because I unlaced it to shoot up
High on this fentanyl shit
Can’t take it
Enough is enough
My veins are confused
These streets are too ruff
I keep hitting that same vein crying
Dying
Trying hard not to give up
Sick ’cause my friend overdosed
Tryna’ find what she had
Drooling
Hard
Saliva
Getting high with my dad
Can’t stomach this life but which way do I go
I’m already six feet under
Chasing this dragon far reaching
Plateau
I know these streets are cursed
I’m well versed
I’ve planed out my funeral I have it rehearsed
I’ve been living in this nightmare
A sick fantasy
Reversed
Get well or die trying
Can’t stand feeling this hurt
First things first
Gotta find me a bathroom to get this blood out my shirt
I cry because I want out
I cry because I have to get well
I fantasize about being a little girl again
Playing hide and seek and riding porcelain horses
Carousel
Every day gotta find me a way
Gotta find somebody
Somebody help me get well today
Daddy sister aunty and uncle were junkies
Granny was too
I shot dope in the bathroom everyday during school
Fourteen years old
Daddy shot me up first
Two days later daddy was dead
O.D,ed while at work
I stay high because daddy, sister and uncle are gone
Granny too
Its been thirty years
Acute
And I’m still looking for my shoe string I took out of my left boot
His eyes weighed heavy on me like 500 hundred pound dumb bells
Hoping he couldn’t read into all my body language and what it could tell
Cause I was moved by his smooth
But was playing it cool
And was trying to keep to this first time rule
I really needed him to move from my side ways view
I was afraid he could see
The fear that lied in me
And smell the lust that rivaled in my mind
And made musical notes in a pattern down my spin
And he was poetry to my soul
From the top of my head to my pinky toe
I swear I felt him land
Dangling like candy above the palm of my hand
Because when I looked at him I saw nothing but man
And boy was I trying hard not to look
Because his smooth had me shook
As I peered deeper and deeper into my book
Pretending to read
And trying hard to breath
As he moved closer to me
At a manly speed
This was the third time we had met
At this very place
And each time he took in
Every inch of my face
Starting at my eyes
And ending at my waist
My emotions failed me
And his eyes derailed me
He sat beside me
Anxiety over rides me
I thought
This isn’t fair I just wanted to sit here
His scent scaled my nose
And every emotion in me rose
BECAUSE HE SMELLED SO GOOD!
I’d kiss him if I could
But he was a stranger
I smelled DANGER
I had to tame her
That thing in me that said many things
That only pain would bring
I moved fast
Trying to erase my past
And I had to let go of the belief
That even love don’t last
I am not a victim
And won’t hold myself hostage to my past
He was dark like chocolate
Just how I liked it
So I relaxed my wall
And he turned and looked at me
And it took deliberate effort for me to get up and leave
Can I have your number?
PLEASE
This is the 3rd time I”ve seen you
Can we make it four
You intrigue me, he said
And I’d like to know more
I would come back to this place
Because he had planted a seed
But all I could do was get up and leave):
I WILL MEET HIM AGAIN
AT THAT SAME COFFEE SPOT
AND THIS TIME….
WELL YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW
FOR THE NEXT UPDATE
MY MYSTERY MAN (:
TRUE STORY
MIDKNIGHT (EPIGRAM)
Needing validation from some man
Any man
Wanting to be someone’s biggest fan
While my mind ran wild
Reminiscing about the boys I was attracted to as a child
The excitement that ran thru me was too intense to describe
There was this one particular guy that gave me this awfully strange vibe
And yes!
I was wide open for him
With his big back and size 9 brown Tim’s
He said, with his dark juicy lips
I stood there with attitude with my hands on my hips
He said
“girl you so pretty I just had to let you know, can I take you to dinner or maybe a show”
I was mesmerized by his smooth dark skin
My defenses wanted to say no but I knew the softness in me would win
I went home nervous and filled with fear
My heart wouldn’t stop pounding and on top of that I had absolutely nothing to wear
There was a war going on in my mind that my heart wasn’t trying hear
I decided to call him and tell him I couldn’t go
He picked up the phone, I guess caller ID and said, please don’t tell me no
I was in a panic could this really be
Could this handsome man really like me
We went to dinner and of course a show
I wasn’t sure what to expect I really didn’t know
I stared at him gently and thought
I don’t know how anyone can tell this man no
Women they stopped and stared
I cut my eyes at those broads like don’t even dare
This man was handsome and OH SO FINE
And just for tonight Mr. Chocolate was all mine
The men they whispered
“Dame she’s a dime”
He tipped the waiter and said
“Bring us the finest wine”
The restaurant was nice and yes full of talk
I got up and excused myself with my oh so sexy walk
The men they eyed and said dame who is she
My midknight turned around and said.
“Oh she’s with me”
We laughed and talked and got to know what each other liked
I was so nervous ‘cause everything felt so right
Meanwhile I was filled with fear
The night was almost over and I was really, really scared
Was he like the others would he try to get me in his bed
He looked at me, said goodnight, and kissed my hand instead
That was really different, that I couldn’t take
All thru the night my thoughts I would awake
This man had me shook with his manly ways and his oh so serious look
There came a day he said
“We need to talk seriously”
That was the day I said yes and became his wife to be
Remember in the beginning when I was tempted to say no
Well it’s been 25 years and I’m glad he made me go
Imagine 25 years with just one man
I’m proud to say he still loves me and I’m still his biggest fan
MISTRESS (EPIGRAM W/AUDIO) (REVISED)
https://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/mistress-1
I met him; I fell in love with him
I knew he wasn’t mines
But he grew on me
Like a 19th century bottle of
Old money kind’a wine
She knew about us for years
And for years she took a back seat
Because she knew without me
His heart was strangely weak
He was a police officer
And in the line of duty, he was shot
I screamed!
Please tell me he is not dead!
Please tell me he is not!!
He layed in the hospital
In that dreadful coma for 20 long weeks
It was not her body he longed for
Between those hospital sheets
It was hard for her to deny
Because she knew if she did not find me
Her husband would surely die
This woman knew he was in love with me
And only wanted her husband to survive
So willing to do anything
To keep her husband alive
She grabbed his phone
Braced herself
And stood up on her feet
She sought me out knowing
His heart was strangely weak
I laid with him
And she approved of me
In that hospital bed
She silently requested help
And pushed me towards his bed
A few days later he awoke
And I jumped up between his sheets
And it killed her
As she looked on
Knowing
I was the reason
His heart still beat
Its been three years now
And she is still his wife ):
And everyday
I regret the day
I saved that bastards life!
VOICE (EPIGRAM REPOST W/AUDIO)
https://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/voice
His name was Tommy and his spirit’s alive and well.
I hope you don’t mind it’s his story I shall tell.
He would be 37 but at the time he was 12.
And for many years his life was a living hell.
Well it’s his father he despised.
All his sneaky ways and dirty little lies.
His dad was strange in many different ways.
What Tommy didn’t know is his dad had full blown AIDS.
His dad was in denial; he wouldn’t take any meds.
Every night Tommy’s dad would cry then come lay in Tommy’s bed.
Tommy was 12, to him a man, he knew this wasn’t right.
He’d lay there quiet, he dare not fight.
He was 15 and with every fiber he said NO!
His dad looked at him and they both stood toe to toe.
Tommy stood strong as his dad raised his fist.
This was his life and wasn’t it supposed to be a gift.
Life’s meaning erased.
And even his favorite pie had a bitter taste.
He started feeling strange but he didn’t want to believe.
His dad had given him this horrible disease called HIV.
Tommy’s life at this point, he felt like he had no say.
Because the thoughts and feelings he was having surely made him gay.
His father died and he was glad to see him go.
He was a constant reminder of this disease and no one else could know.
This thing had him tossing and turning all through the night.
He was tired and said, Toya, I just don’t have the strength to fight.
Tommy let the years pass him by with each passing day.
The truth was he was scared and let fear lead the way.
He was like a shadow chasing the sun until it disappeared.
Tommy was lost and bound to a zillion little tears.
Strangely his first semester class did a project on children with AIDS.
And he decided to take his life back on that very special day.
As he walked through the hospital children marked by sores.
Babies in small bubbles; his heart was completely torn.
He ran to the bathroom and cried until he hit the floor.
He asked God; please tell me what is all this for?
I don’t do drugs.
I don’t sleep around.
And Tommy didn’t want to be gay.
His dad was just a real sick man that took his innocence away.
For all the children who don’t have a choice.
Tommy decided to take a stand and be the children’s voice.
He stood in front of thousands and said…
My name is Tommy and I have AIDS.
And I’m speaking for all the little people who become victims every day.
His body’s 6 feet under but his spirit’s still alive.
And if you’re reading this then his spirit has survived.
This is Tommy’s way of continuing to be the children’s voice.
This is for all the little people who never had a choice.
Thank you, Tommy.
SISTERS (POETRY)
I pray before I start
Because these words are coming from the deepest part of my heart
I prayed for her like she prayed for me
That the light one day she’d be willing to see
Over the years she told me some of her deepest fears
And I know it”s ok to cry because these are happy tears
I’ve been on the sidelines rooting for her every day
I knew somehow God would help her to find her way
I know she had to fight the whole way through
I know because I’ve been there
I had to fight too
I’ve been some of the same places she’s been
And it hurt at times that I was unable to be her friend
There was some hurt that I was still trying to mend
My love for my sister is deep and true
But I’m still hurt and I’m still healing too
It really hurt to see addiction drag my sister into that hole
It doesn’t discriminate it takes family friends and Foes
We should have listened when mamma told us to just say no
But my response was always the same…
Mamma I know
Anyway the hurt is still the same
She must have thought I was joking when I told her this was no game
She saw me struggle
Drugs riddled me to the core
And I am so grateful that God has the power to restore
I remember when she cried
She told me she was tired
She could no longer fight
I looked her in the eyes and said
I need you
And I need you on this night
I pleaded for her to stay just a little while more
But just as fast as she came she was back out the door
She looked towards the ground
Looked at me and said
I will be back when I get
ONE MORE
Her eyes were filled with pain
She didn’t want to be loved
She only wanted more cocaine
I pleaded with her to let me help her
She was my baby sister
I pulled her close and hugged and kissed her
And even in my own addiction
I really, really missed her
What I know is she is walking that same dark path
The disease will get you
And it will get you fast
My baby sister is all alone out there on the streets
I want for her so badly to be free
She is my baby sister and that’s all I am able to see
I’m often reminded that the same God taking care of her
Is the same God that took such good care of me
My sister died of an overdose
God has set her free
And He’s still taking care of her
And watching over me
