His eyes weighed heavy on me like 500 hundred pound dumb bells
Hoping he couldn’t read into all my body language and what it could tell
Cause I was moved by his smooth
But was playing it cool
And was trying to keep to this first time rule
I really needed him to move from my side ways view
I was afraid he could see
The fear that lied in me
And smell the lust that rivaled in my mind
And made musical notes in a pattern down my spin
And he was poetry to my soul
From the top of my head to my pinky toe
I swear I felt him land
Dangling like candy above the palm of my hand
Because when I looked at him I saw nothing but man
And boy was I trying hard not to look
I have to be honest I was halfway shook
As I peered deeper and deeper into this novel
He was a 400 page book
I was pretending not to read
And trying hard to breath
As he moved closer to me
At a manly speed
This was the third time we had met
At this very place
And each time he took in
Every inch of my face
Starting at my eyes
And ending at my waist
My emotions failed me
And his eyes derailed me
He sat beside me
Anxiety over rides me
I thought
This isn’t fair I just wanted to sit here
His scent scaled my nose
And every emotion in me rose
BECAUSE HE SMELLED SO GOOD!
I’d kiss him if I could
But he was a stranger
I smelled DANGER
I had to tame her
That thing in me that said many things
That only pain would bring
I moved fast
Trying to erase my past
And I had to let go of the belief
That even love don’t last
I am not a victim
And won’t hold myself hostage to my past
He was dark like chocolate
Just how I liked it
So I relaxed my wall
And he turned and looked at me
He towered over me, this man was tall
And it took deliberate effort for me to get up and leave
Can I have your number?
He even said please
This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you
Can we make it four
You intrigue me, he said
And I’d like to know more
I would come back to this place
Because he had planted a seed
But all I could do was get up and leave
I WILL MEET HIM AGAIN
AT THAT SAME COFFEE SPOT
AND THIS TIME….
WELL YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW
FOR THE NEXT UPDATE
MY MYSTERY MAN
TRUE STORY
MIDKNIGHT (EPIGRAM)
Needing validation from some man
Any man
Wanting to be someone’s biggest fan
While my mind ran wild
Reminiscing about the boys I was attracted to as a child
The excitement that ran thru me was too intense to describe
There was this one particular guy that gave me this awfully strange vibe
And yes!
I was wide open for him
With his big back and size 9 brown Tim’s
He said, with his dark juicy lips
I stood there with attitude with my hands on my hips
He said
“girl you so pretty I just had to let you know, can I take you to dinner or maybe a show”
I was mesmerized by his smooth dark skin
My defenses wanted to say no but I knew the softness in me would win
I went home nervous and filled with fear
My heart wouldn’t stop pounding and on top of that I had absolutely nothing to wear
There was a war going on in my mind that my heart wasn’t trying hear
I decided to call him and tell him I couldn’t go
He picked up the phone, I guess caller ID and said, please don’t tell me no
I was in a panic could this really be
Could this handsome man really like me
We went to dinner and of course a show
I wasn’t sure what to expect I really didn’t know
I stared at him gently and thought
I don’t know how anyone can tell this man no
Women they stopped and stared
I cut my eyes at those broads like don’t even dare
This man was handsome and OH SO FINE
And just for tonight Mr. Chocolate was all mine
The men they whispered
“Dame she’s a dime”
He tipped the waiter and said
“Bring us the finest wine”
The restaurant was nice and yes full of talk
I got up and excused myself with my oh so sexy walk
The men they eyed and said dame who is she
My midknight turned around and said.
“Oh she’s with me”
We laughed and talked and got to know what each other liked
I was so nervous ‘cause everything felt so right
Meanwhile I was filled with fear
The night was almost over and I was really, really scared
Was he like the others would he try to get me in his bed
He looked at me, said goodnight, and kissed my hand instead
That was really different, that I couldn’t take
All thru the night my thoughts I would awake
This man had me shook with his manly ways and his oh so serious look
There came a day he said
“We need to talk seriously”
That was the day I said yes and became his wife to be
Remember in the beginning when I was tempted to say no
Well it’s been 25 years and I’m glad he made me go
Imagine 25 years with just one man
I’m proud to say he still loves me and I’m still his biggest fan
VOICE (W/AUDIO) Warning: Very sad poem…
https://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/voice
His name was Tommy and his spirit’s alive and well.
I hope you don’t mind it’s his story I shall tell.
He would be 37 but at the time he was 12.
And for many years his life was a living hell.
It’s his father he despised.
All his sneaky ways and dirty little lies.
His dad was strange in many different ways.
What Tommy didn’t know is his dad had full blown AIDS.
His dad was in denial; he wouldn’t take any meds.
Every night Tommy’s dad would cry then come lay in Tommy’s bed.
Tommy was 12, to him a man, he knew this wasn’t right.
He’d lay there quiet, he dare not fight.
He was 15 and with every fiber he said NO!
His dad looked at him and they both stood toe to toe.
Tommy stood strong as his dad raised his fist.
This was his life and wasn’t it supposed to be a gift.
Life’s meaning erased.
And even his favorite pie had a bitter taste.
He started feeling strange but he didn’t want to believe.
His dad had given him this horrible disease called HIV.
Tommy’s life at this point, he felt like he had no say.
Because the thoughts and feelings he was having surely made him gay.
His father died and he was glad to see him go.
He was a constant reminder of this disease and no one else could know.
This thing had him tossing and turning all through the night.
He was tired and said, Toya, I just don’t have the strength to fight.
Tommy let the years pass him by with each passing day.
The truth was he was scared and let fear lead the way.
He was like a shadow chasing the sun until it disappeared.
Tommy was lost and bound to a zillion little tears.
Strangely his first semester class did a project on children with AIDS.
And he decided to take his life back on that very special day.
As he walked through the hospital children marked by sores.
Babies in small bubbles; his heart was completely torn.
He ran to the bathroom and cried until he hit the floor.
He asked God; please tell me what is all this for?
I don’t do drugs.
I don’t sleep around.
And Tommy didn’t want to be gay.
His dad was just a real sick man that took his innocence away.
For all the children who don’t have a choice.
Tommy decided to take a stand and be the children’s voice.
He stood in front of thousands and said…
My name is Tommy and I have AIDS.
And I’m speaking for all the little people who become victims every day.
His body’s 6 feet under but his spirit’s still alive.
And if you’re reading this then his spirit has survived.
This is Tommy’s way of continuing to be the children’s voice.
This is for all the little people who never had a choice.
Thank you, Tommy.
SISTERS (POETRY)
I pray before I start
Because these words are coming from the deepest part of my heart
I prayed for her like she prayed for me
That the light one day she’d be willing to see
Over the years she told me some of her deepest fears
And I know it”s ok to cry because these are happy tears
I’ve been on the sidelines rooting for her every day
I knew somehow God would help her to find her way
I know she had to fight the whole way through
I know because I’ve been there
I had to fight too
I’ve been some of the same places she’s been
And it hurt at times that I was unable to be her friend
There was some hurt that I was still trying to mend
My love for my sister is deep and true
But I’m still hurt and I’m still healing too
It really hurt to see addiction drag my sister into that hole
It doesn’t discriminate it takes family friends and Foes
We should have listened when mamma told us to just say no
But my response was always the same…
Mamma I know
Anyway the hurt is still the same
She must have thought I was joking when I told her this was no game
She saw me struggle
Drugs riddled me to the core
And I am so grateful that God has the power to restore
I remember when she cried
She told me she was tired
She could no longer fight
I looked her in the eyes and said
I need you
And I need you on this night
I pleaded for her to stay just a little while more
But just as fast as she came she was back out the door
She looked towards the ground
Looked at me and said
I will be back when I get
ONE MORE
Her eyes were filled with pain
She didn’t want to be loved
She only wanted more cocaine
I pleaded with her to let me help her
She was my baby sister
I pulled her close and hugged and kissed her
And even in my own addiction
I really, really missed her
What I know is she is walking that same dark path
The disease will get you
And it will get you fast
My baby sister is all alone out there on the streets
I want for her so badly to be free
She is my baby sister and that’s all I am able to see
I’m often reminded that the same God taking care of her
Is the same God that took such good care of me
My sister died of an overdose
God has set her free
And He’s still taking care of her
And watching over me
DREAM CATCHER (EPIGRAM)
Dream Catcher
I haven’t talked to my family in a while.
I don’t know why I feel I cramp their style.
I love my grandmother.
I need her to smother me with her love.
I’m needy that way.
That’s how I always was.
Some would say a little too much.
My nana was always there, kind of like a crutch.
Even the lightest touch meant so much.
I wasn’t a normal child.
They called me the flower child.
There was a woman.
Her name was Karen, Karen Givens.
She had all the men and even some women.
She would go out there and do her thing.
I wondered how she got them to buy her jewels, necklaces and diamond rings.
I know now if she had wings she would have simply flown away.
Because her life was filled with an array of dismay.
She’d ask me, this little girl… don’t go please stay.
I’d leave home and stay gone for weeks.
I was hanging with dope fiends some real creeps.
I was staying out for weeks not getting any sleep.
Things were happening and the shit was real deep.
I’m writing all this because I need somebody to know.
My younger years were demon like, and real cold.
Winters were all year round.
My inner child lost never to be found….
STOLEN SHE WAS!!!!!
Stolen by the ignorance of time.
And I’m still trying to find.
It wasn’t my fault I was a child they were the adults.
My life was not theirs to take.
Always checking to see if I was still awake.
I still wake up screaming “GO WAY FOR CHRIST SAKES”.
If I could swim.
I’d swim across a lake.
If I could fly.
I’d fly across the entire state.
If I could climb.
I’d climb the highest mountain and drink from the purest of fountains.
And if I wasn’t scared of heights.
I might stand on top of a vista.
And listen to the wind SING,,,,WISHA-WISHA
I wish you weren’t here with me.
WHO?
ANYONE BUT YOU!
Just to soothe my burdened soul that was stole.
STOLEN IT WAS!!!
I’m drifting off into some real dark shit.
It has trapped doors and a bottomless pit.
Anyway I called my grandmother last night and thank God every thing’s alright.
I could have just shared at one of those NA meetings.
But my twisted purpose I would have been defeating.
I’ll leave it all up to you to find.
I’ve said it before.
It’s hidden.
Hidden somewhere between the rhyme.
It’s 3 AM and I can’t really sleep.
Because I let my pen go to deep.
I’m looking at my dream catcher I got last night, waiting for my dreams to take flight.
It’s spinning over my head while I lay in my bed.
Oh yeah, and thanks for reading the thoughts in my head.
My dream catcher has this hypnotic spin.
I think I’ll relax and let it win.
So I can put my pen to rest.
And hope tonight I dream a little less.
Thank you, Dream Catcher
mentalnotes1 