Eating disorder – mentalnotes1

I have visited all the pharmacies and medicine section at every store in Portland looking for diet pills

My name is Samantha and I weigh 500 pounds and my mom worries about me

I’m scheduled for a weigh in at the clinic today at 3pm.

The clinic is just an easier softer way of saying the crazy house

My cloths fit so tight and I know I can loose a couple of pounds before 3pm.

I look at the time

12:30pm

I walk to the bodega at the corner and purchase 2 family packs of Oreo’s and start eating them as I walk back home

I sit on my couch and browse Facebook and imagine how I can look and be happy like so many others

I look through my pictures and compare myself

I hate myself

I finish off the second bag of Oreo’s and head to my room

I take off all my cloths and analyze my body in the mirror

I pull at my fat bulges, spin around, gaze in my own eyes in the mirror

I loath myself

I head to the bathroom, stick two finger down my throat and vomit the Oreo’s

I vomit the hate I have for myself
I drink some water with baking soda so it can come easy and I vomit some more until my throat hurts

I look up at myself as saliva melts down the side of my face and drops to the rug

I hear the front door, its my mom coming to take me to the clinic

I hurry and flush the toilet and turn the shower on as to quietly say do not disturb

I stay in the bathroom for about 5 minutes just sitting on the side of the tub, I wet my hair grab a towel and walk out

She’s standing there

I don’t look at her

I walk pass her without acknowledgement and slam my bedroom door because

I hate her too

I hear her ruffling through the bathroom looking for any sign that I have done something to harm myself

We head to the clinic

The nurse weighs me

Nurse speaks: Samantha you lost 7 pounds since your last weigh in last week, you are 95 pounds.
I’m sorry we will have to admit you.

Since I’m only 16 years old my mother signs papers to have me 302’ed again to the clinic for a psych eval and observation

And I hate myself!

Category: Eating disorder