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http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/remembering#share

As I sat on the edge of my bed praying for redemption

I felt the knot in my gut spring up in my soul

My body went cold and the memories took control

And I asked God for forgiveness because only he knew what I did

And the people who did it…

I got rid of that thing because I knew it was his

And I hated him

The thing was a monster

I wanted it gone

I wanted it dead

But still so much a part of me

I did not want the world to see

What this man planted in me

I laid still frozen on my back

While I heard the chants from the windows

From murmurs priest and Catholic’s

Screaming

MURDERER!

As one single tear drop fell from my eye

And collided pass my ear and slid down my neck

And froze itself right their

Tickling my neck   

But this was not funny

And I dare not even crack a smile

I laid frozen on my back as the chants got louder

I refuse to cry because that would have been an admission of

Of…

Of…

Of something I dare not admit with this tongue

The thing was a monster

I wanted it gone

I wanted it dead

But still so much a part of me

This thing that lived inside of me

Was haunting me

And I heard him whisper

You are beautiful, as he brushed my hair to the side

Every night at 3 o clock in the morning

And I was mourning for my innocents

That I lost a long time ago

Now I live with this thing

This thing

This monstrous thing!

 

I just knew I’d be free…

As I laid there flat on my back

Spread eagle

Waiting for this thing to exit my womb

I wanted to bury it,,,

Tie a chain to it

And throw it in the sea

OF THE FORGOTTEN

AND THE FORGIVEN

So it can never again resurface

I was praying to have not

One

Single

Memory

Of this event

But here

I lay

20 Years Later

Still

Flat on my back

REMEMBERING…

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THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE,,, (POETRY W/AUDIO)

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https://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/the-LANGUAGE-oF-love-poetry

I lay and I think.

Love can happen in one simple wink.

And has many times before.

Love is something we have all explored.

Chances we take.

That either makes or breaks our opinion of love.

Fields of emotions.

Like a rose that we chose.

A risk we take, it’s a big deal because it’s our hearts that’s at stake.

Love is like a fire, arsenal of desire, a whirlpool of devotion, and weird subliminal notions.

Bottled up it’s the heart’s magical potion.

Love can be good; love can be bad, love can be happy, love can be sad.

It’s all up to you.

Just as cool as the wind or as painful as a pin poking at your gut.

We’re so easily caught up in love’s clutch.

Or as beautiful as the symphony or diamonds from Tiffany’s.

Love can be sweet as candy or… fine and dandy.

Or as spectacular as fire works with quarks and perks.

Depends on me and how far my love is willing to see.

My love sees rainbows and daffodils like a roller coaster with thrills and exciting twists.

Or that first passionate kiss.

Have you ever listened and heard like a baby’s first words.

It rained yesterday and guess what I saw?

I saw tear drops constantly fall.

I love the sound of rain.

Love should not mean pain.

I used to think love could meet me on the moon and never would be too soon.

Iyanla Vanzant says nurture love and give it every chance you can.

I choose to vent love through my pen and hope this time love will win.

Love has been a symphony of dreams and I have always been on the losing team.

Love can be a fire hard to tame.

Or fall in love and not even know their name.

Love has no faces and doesn’t discriminate between races.

Love can be paint on a canvas.

Splashes of love.

Overwhelming hugs.

That runs through your veins like drugs.

Love is lily’s and quiet little walks in south Philly or silly little looks.

That’s the language of love.

When I think of love I think of hearts being colored in red or children being told stories before they go to bed.

When I think of love I think of pastures filled with butterflies or teachers teaching children how to make tie-dye.

When I think of love I think of how excited my grandma was when she brought my first bra.

When I think of love I think of leaves changing colors in the fall and couples holding hands while shopping in the mall.

When I think of love I think of angels being sent down to lend a hand or birds playing footsies in the sand.

Love will be here when were dead and gone love has been here all along.

Love is something money can’t buy.

Love has many questions…

But no answers.

So don’t ask love… why ?

Use the universe as your source.

Allowing love to take its course.

Thank you, Genuine Love

THANK YOU FOR THE INSPIRATION http://shackledandcrowned.wordpress.com/2013/04/12/friendship/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNoiZAFNYn4

https://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/a-thousand-miles-of-highway

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We were like a thousand miles of highway

With never ending transitions

A tunnel

A pathway

To everywhere

I know we’ve been in la-la land

Somewhere far away on our journey to love

Random tokens of affection straddle my shoulder

And trickle down my spin

And I know he sees my silhouette dancing slowly for the moon

And yesterday he made love to me from across the room

And it was beautiful

Like all the times before

And it was nothing fancy but so much more

We were like a thousand miles of highway

Riding somewhere pass the end of the earth

Falling

We were…

We were…

Falling in love

We played footsies from across the room

And he smelled me

Because I was his  perfume

And no amount of turmoil could penetrate our portal

We were only mere mortals

But we were in love

When he touched me I felt his protection

This was not about sex

But so much more

We were exempt from…

Economics

Social acceptability

Or prejudice

He was my white

And I was his black

And there were no “Grey Areas”

We were in a magic place

We were…

On a thousand miles of highway

Lineage

I can’t find my shoe string to my left boot because I unlaced it to shoot up
High on this fentanyl shit
Can’t take it
Enough is enough
My veins are confused
These streets are too ruff
I keep hitting that same vein crying
Dying
Trying hard not to give up
Sick ’cause my friend overdosed
Tryna’ find what she had
Drooling
Hard
Saliva
Getting high with my dad
Can’t stomach this life but which way do I go
I’m already six feet under
Chasing this dragon far reaching
Plateau
I know these streets are cursed
I’m well versed
I’ve planed out my funeral I have it rehearsed
I’ve been living in this nightmare
A sick fantasy
Reversed
Get well or die trying
Can’t stand feeling this hurt
First things first
Gotta find me a bathroom to get this blood out my shirt
I cry because I want out
I cry because I have to get well
I fantasize about being a little girl again
Playing hide and seek and riding porcelain horses
Carousel
Every day gotta find me a way
Gotta find somebody
Somebody help me get well today
Daddy sister aunty and uncle were junkies
Granny was too
I shot dope in the bathroom everyday during school
Fourteen years old
Daddy shot me up first
Two days later daddy was dead
O.D,ed while at work
I stay high because daddy, sister and uncle are gone
Granny too
Its been thirty years
Acute
And I’m still looking for my shoe string I took out of my left boot

HE CALLED ME HER (POETRY W/ AUDIO)

Her name flew from his mouth and dangled in the air

She lives in his heart and will always be their

Her name was inches from his lips

The same ones I just kissed

And I’d be fooling myself

If I said he wouldn’t be missed

I looked in his face

And I could see this was no cold case

‘Cause he still loved her

My emotions will have me twisted somewhere beyond belief

And have me so out of touch I’ll be hard to reach

Her name

Her name drifted past my cheek

And stood its position for weeks

And I knew she was their

And he knew I knew

I was drowning in a snap shot

And deserving of every emotion I got

Because I knew he was broken

And he knew I knew

Tonight

Head on 

Crash

Drinking from a half empty glass

And all I could hear was her name

And he and I would never be the same

I try to smile

Going about my day

But my mind is miles

And miles

And miles away

Because I loved him

He called me her name and I froze

I could tell by her name she was who he chose

He is not mine

Please God free me from my insanity

‘Cause all the pieces are with her

That day is a blurr

But what I will never forget

Is that he called me her

I could not pretend

And I dare not give him a chance to do it again

See

Because

He

Is

Not

Mine

My Dr. told me I had a nervous bleeding in my brain

The judge told me I was criminally insane

I knew some of my crazy was from the cocaine

See I’ve had my lover tied up in the basement for, only God knows when

I looked at him and said…

YOU WILL STAY WITH ME AND YOU’LL STAY UNTIL THE VERY END

Crying clowns and morbid sounds

Crows above

And blood filled tubs

Mask and cutting glass

Black moons and poison mushrooms

Empty rooms filled with witches brooms

A jackals tale seeing acid trails

A dirty deed planted with demonic seeds

A haunted trust with piercing thrusts

Gagged with rags and gasoline bags

Heart melting eyes singing cryptic lullabies

Tormented mimes with twisted spines

Sickening rhymes with catholic chimes

A fantasy reversed with a witches curse

A dog moon with hidden rooms

A serpent’s tail stuffed with human cells

A joker’s laugh after its evil craft

A rotten kiss with blood filled lips

An evil moon staring at us from the basements tomb

I bound his mouth with tape

I looked around him things starting to take shape

Shift shaper and hate makers whisper in my ear

I stopped taking my meds and things don’t seem real clear

I rub my eyes trying hard to stay awake

My body trembled and my hands began to shake

My Dr. told me I had a nervous bleeding in my brain

The judge told me I was criminally insane

I knew some of my crazy was from the cocaine

See I’ve had my lover tied up in the basement for, only God knows when

I looked at him and said…

YOU WILL STAY WITH ME AND YOU’LL STAY UNTIL THE VERY END

I am wondering in this valley

With a shadow

Called death

Desperately trying every trick

To inhale my last breath

As the shadow kneels

It does everything in its power

To make me feel

What is not real

Peel me of my iniquities

My infidelities

This shadow plays mind games with me

It’s crazy in here!

And i can hear the sounds

That tries to keep me bound

To thine own self be true

I’m running from my shadow

Like that scary clown from school

I am screaming out for help

I am doomed to the top shelf

Like a broken piece of china

Labeled

Afflicted!

Addicted!

It’s the wicked things I tell myself

Whew!

It’s crazy in here!

And that thing

That silly thing

That god awful thing

Called fear

Keeps echoing between my ears

And all I can hear

Is

It’s crazy in here!

Here

Here

Here

Echoing

It’s crazy in here!

Here

Here

Here

His eyes weighed heavy on me like 500 hundred pound dumb bells

Hoping he couldn’t read into all my body language and what it could tell

Cause I was moved by his smooth

But was playing it cool

And was trying to keep to this first time rule

I really needed him to move from my side ways view

I was afraid he could see

The fear that lied in me

And smell the lust that rivaled in my mind

And made musical notes in a pattern down my spin

And he was poetry to my soul

From the top of my head to my pinky toe

I swear I felt him land

Dangling like candy above the palm of my hand

Because when I looked at him I saw nothing but man

And boy was I trying hard not to look

Because his smooth had me shook

As I peered deeper and deeper into my book

Pretending to read

And trying hard to breath

As he moved closer to me

At a manly speed

This was the third time we had met

At this very place

And each time he took in

Every inch of my face

Starting at my eyes

And ending at my waist

My emotions failed me

And his eyes derailed me

He sat beside me

Anxiety over rides me

I thought

This isn’t fair I just wanted to sit here

His scent scaled my nose

And every emotion in me rose

BECAUSE HE SMELLED SO GOOD!

I’d kiss him if I could

But he was a stranger

I smelled DANGER

I had to tame her

That thing in me that said many things

That only pain would bring

I moved fast

Trying to erase my past

And I had to let go of the belief

That even love don’t last

I am not a victim

And won’t hold myself hostage to my past

He was dark like chocolate

Just how I liked it

So I relaxed my wall

And he turned and looked at me

And it took deliberate effort for me to get up and leave

Can I have your number?

PLEASE

This is the 3rd time I”ve seen you

Can we make it four

You intrigue me, he said

And I’d like to know more

I would come back to this place

Because he had planted a seed

But all I could do was get up and leave):

I WILL MEET HIM AGAIN

AT THAT SAME COFFEE SPOT

AND THIS TIME….

WELL YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW

FOR THE NEXT UPDATE

MY MYSTERY MAN (:

TRUE STORY

 

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