
I am a writer, and the joy of being a writer is having some versatility. I get to write about whatever I want, and hope you, the reader, can find some common ground. “My Avatar” is dark; she is the little girl that lives in me, she is a spoiled, rotten, weird, little brat. She is all my fears and a product of every person who ever hurt me. She is all my resentments I still work so hard to let go of still today. She is a product of every man that ever broke my heart, starting with my father.
She is the product of a mother who was murdered and a father who was never around. “My Avatar” the character is a lot of things, but most of all she is afraid. She is afraid of you and she is afraid of the woman in me that continues to discipline her. “My Avatar” is more than a little dark. I love this project because it challenged me as a writer to write about something different.
When I read books, stories and poetry I often wonder if the people are anything like what or who they write about. Of course we are our characters on some level.
I had to put this footnote in this book. I had some friends who I trust to critique some of my writings ask me if I was alright. That made me smile; an effective writer should impact the reader. I believe I had done that. My hope is it will impact you the same way it did my friends who critiqued my manuscript. Of course I am ok, just me doing what I love to do, write.
WELCOME TO MY PEACEFUL INSANITY

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-poetry#play
Why give me this body that imprisons my soul?
I Rome this bruised space hiding from my own disgrace
That spills over in my world
That only knows me as a little girl
But I am a woman!
And I know because I have the scares to prove it
I have titts and ass like an hour glass
And puberty has been years passed
But I am still a little girl
):
And my avatar wants to leave because I won’t let her breathe
Smothering her with my fears of
Today …
Tomorrow…
And most of all yesterday
But she stays to play anyway
Realistic
Misogynistic
Can’t stand her because
She is protected
By her avatar

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-part-2-poetry#play
MY AVATAR, SHE LOVES TO COME OUT AND PLAY
WHILE KEEPING ALL THE BAD PEOPLE AWAY
SUGAR AND SPICE WAS A FANTASY THAT HAD BEEN REVERSED
BY AN EVIL CURSE THAT KEEPS SICK LYRICS PLAYING IN MY BRAIN
SHAME…
SHAME IS I CAN’T HIDE FROM MY HAZEL EYES
THAT KEEP SEEING ME DOWN THIS WICKED PATH
WHERE GARGOILS WHERE SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL SAFE
AND HIDE ME FROM MY TORTURED FATE
AND ONLY THEY KNOW WHERE I’VE BEEN
AS MY OCD FORCES ME TO REPEAT THINGS
OVER
AND OVER
AND OVER AGAIN
MY AVATAR PLAYS DOUBLE DUTCH, PATTY CAKE, HIDE AND SEEK
AND PLAYS THIS TAPE OVER AND OVER IN MY MIND SOMETIMES FOR WEEKS
NON STOP
THAT’S WHEN MY WATCHED STOPPED
AND FROZE ME RIGHT THEIR
FOR PEDESTRIANS TO STOP AND STAIR AT ME IN MY OBLIVIANCE
OLLIE-OLLIE IN COME FREE
IS WHAT THEY SCREAM AT ME
DEAMING
ME
BROKEN
WHILE I’M SMOKING UP ON YESTERDAY
AND MY AVATAR
SHE COMFORTS ME IN MY
DISOBIDENCE
SHE COMFORTS ME
IN MY DEVIANTS

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-part-3-poetry#
This twisted kiss
I’m hateing this
Exposing all this f****** s***
The word play
The “comments” today
Lead me down a path of twisted no where’s
With share and likes
But who is it that really sits behind that pc
From my solace carries malice
But you wouldn’t know just by reading me
Never seeing me but looking thru me
From my reality
My Avatar
She waves goodbye to me
Only a morbid sign
Of rotten chimes
Sounds of angels
But the root is mangled
And I will never be granted my wings
Because off all the bad things I’ve seen
As I watch her play on that wicked and rusted swing
Posting this s*** for you to read between what’s caught
The twisted thoughts
A f****** sadist
Is how I made this
Sick game
For her own personal gain
Relived
Innocents
Free me from this dark cloud of razorblades
Anxiety and depression
Living in this lesson
That I tainted with my own haunted files
I only needed her for a little while
Now bats circle my bed
Like a storm brewing over my head
And stewing in suicidal thoughts
Caught in a web
That keeps me isolated
Gabriel keeps trying to get me to journey the map
It’s a silly trap and I remember the road that it traveled for wayyyyy to long
Singing hate me by blue October http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddxgsvjinlu
Left
Right
And none are right so I lose sight
Of what’s right with the wrong
And I listen while crying to blue October song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddxgsvjinlu
Hate me

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-part-4-poetry#play
HATE ME FOR LOVING YOU AND LOSING ME
AND I CAN’T STAND THE SAYING
IT’S GONNA BE , WHAT ITS GONNA BE
F****** MISOGINISTICS!
I RISK IT
MY MIND
SCREAMS
GET THE FUCKING RAZZOR BLADES AND JUST END THIS F****** S***
MY AVATAR SINGS LULLABIES AS THE THOUGHTS SLOWLY PERSIST
SOME WHERE PAST MY RAIN
GETTING HIGH ON COCAINE
WHILE SINGING
FUCK THE WORLD AND THIS LITTLE GIRL
I USE AS PROTECTION
SHE IS MY REFLECTION
SHE IS MY AVATAR
MY PERFECTION
I MUSE JUST TO CONFUSE
TRAVELING ROADS WITH PAGONISTIC FOOLS
AND I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS LOST
AND LEFT BEHIND
WITH THIS GHOST
THAT WAS NOT FREE
BECAUSE MY AVATER REFUSED TO GROW UP WITH ME
MY ADVERSARIES WANTED TO MARRY ME AND CARRY PASS MY EXPIRATION DATE
BUT IT WAS FAIT THAT TIPPED THE SCALES
AND DID ALL THAT IT COULD TO RELEASE ME FROM MY CELL
FAIT LED ME BACK TO MY ADVATAR THAT TUCKED AWAY
SAFE
IN A DEEP DENIAL
FILED
MEMORIES
CONFIDENTIAL AND SADISTIC
IF YOU ARE LOST BY THESE WORDS
YOU MAY NEED TO READ THIS AGAIN
BECAUSE YOU MISSED IT
GO AHEAD
READ IT AGAIN
AND RELIVE MY INSANITY
OVER
AND OVER
AND OVER AGAIN
IF IT’S TO HARD FOR YOU TO FIND
HERE IS A HINT
IT’S HIDDEN
HIDDEN SOMEWHERE BEWTEEN THESE TWISTED LINES
SOMEWHERE MANGLED WITH THE RYME
I NEED A HOSPITAL TO SOOTH MY BROKEN LOWS
FROM BLACK COALS FREEBASIN IN MY SOUL
AND I NEED SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL
LIKE HENNA
AND A WEDDING SONG TO KEEP ME IN MY FANTASY
MISOGYNISM ROMANCES ME
DANCES WITH ME
DECIEVES ME
AND NEVER LEAVES MY SIDE
MY AVATAR SEEMS SO FREE
SHE LAUGHS AT MY ANXIETY
WHILE MY OCD HAS ME COUNTING
EVERY
MEMORY
SINSE 1983
AND THEY LIED TO ME
SO I SHOWER
OBSESSIVELY
OVER
AND OVER
AND OVER AGAIN
AND I AM WELL AWARE
THAT I AM F****** WEIRD
SO MY AVATAR KEEPS ME SAFE
WHILE I LIVE INSIDE THIS TWISTED PLACE
https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/12/avatar-short-read-poetry-form-part-1/
https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/16/my-avatar-poetry-part-3-w-audio/
https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/20/my-avatar-part-4/
https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/20/footnote-my-avatar/