I Searched for You ~ Poetry

I’ve searched for stones
Limping from broken bones
I laid bare searching for something so rare
~~~
I stood on peaks vista’s and mountains 
I lowered myself in valleys
I bathed in historical mystical fountains
~~~
Searching for you
~~~
I walked dangerous terrain
I kept going even while searching with a broken brain
~~~
I roamed from day till dusk
This was not about lust
Much more about trust
I was in the muck and mire
Burning with desire
~~~
I laid bare searching for something so rare
I honored the sabbath and respected your status
I mantra’d the lords prayer
I prayed while scared
I covered my hair
I lowered my eyes conscience of the devils glare
I searched and searched but the gods weren’t playing fair
I paced the valley of the kings searching for rings and pretty things
I made a declaration to a nation through meditation
I ignored sexual sensations
I refrained from masturbation
I nurtured generations
I promoted positive vibrations
I wrote away self-hatred and internal allegations
~~~
While searching for you
~~~
I laid bare searching for something so rare
I was overcome with despair
~~~
I searched for stones
Limping from broken bones
~~~
I was longing for belonging

I was

~~~

Desperately
~~~
Searching
~~~
For you

Waiting for You – Poetry

Infected By Love- Poetry

These poems are all connected ❤

Waiting for You – Poetry

How long can I wait for you

To see the sun turn grey

Nights running into my days

Waiting for you

***

Eyes sealed tight
Holding on to a maybe or might 
Sending smoke signals hoping you’re alright 
***

I died

Waiting for you
***

To feel my heart beat cold

Pressure building from all the lies that you’ve told

And I wait

While this evil consumes me

Infected By Love- Poetry

I Searched for You ~ Poetry

These poems are all connected ❤

Infected By Love- Poetry

I sacrificed myself on the altar and begged God to give me back my soul 

I wondered this wilderness I was lost in the fold

I wrote pages and pages till it became a scroll
***

Love had games

Hung me by nooses and invisible chains 

I’ve become a walking noise maker from the residue that jingles in my hollow veins 

***

Love took its toll 

Felt lessons left mud prints in my fractured  soul 

Half of a heart does not make a whole 

***

Sadness compromised me times 3

Left miles and miles still cleaning up debris 

August was a long month felt like years 

Found myself floating on a life raft

Damn near drowned in my own tears 

***

Till life felt like a plague 

So I saged

And I saged 
I burned incense

It lingered 

But the hurt still stayed 

I was compromised and delayed 

Rigamortis set in and even the neighbors could smell the decay 

***

I sacrificed myself on the altar and begged God to give me back my soul 

I wondered this wilderness I was lost in the fold

I wrote pages and pages till it became a scroll

I fasted I starved myself and I paced the floor some more

I talked to myself and searched for riddles beyond hidden doors
I spoke to the gods and whispered to the moon

I cried rivers and laid prostrate singing holy across empty tombs 

I bled myself trying to rid myself of this atrocity
I showed my self approved spewing with generosity

I walked on hot coals I detoxed myself I stopped eating meat

The congregation stood in line while I washed every members feet

I even cut my locs out

But I was still left 

Hung 

Heavy

Burdened

I was without 

I did all this trying to replenish my broken soul 

I will one day find a way out of this deep dark lonely hole 

I’ve been infected 

By 

Love

Waiting for You – Poetry

I Searched for You ~ Poetry

These poems are all connected ❤

The Playground – Poetry

Sandy plays here

Much to my chagrin

Her little pale white dress gets dirty

Perhaps if I were here long enough

I too

Would have allowed myself to get dirty

Wired – Poetry W/Audio

Wires Hang me from lines

Feeling my dysfunction

Misused like concubines
***

Movement sublimes and gesture persuade this tri-polar mind
While

A thesaurus of recordings memoirs and movies wait cynically for the right time
***
They all submit to my personalities
SHHHHHHHH
They’re listening
Systematically
***
Waiting for transistors to align

Always skilled at entering occupied areas

In spite of danger signs
***

!PARANOID!
***

And church can’t sooth me
***

Secret missions scythe my mind and carve 666 in a pattern down my spine

Behind enemy lines

Camouflaged into the walls

Something dragged me aimlessly down haunted halls

Where faces plague me
Past images degrade me

And force me to repeatedly listen to Blue October

Hate me
***

My emotions betray me
Then my thoughts berate me
I go adrift and they sedate me
And sensations date rape me
***

Till I wonder to nowhere

And everywhere

And become wonder woman

Doing 100 on 71 South

Demons position curse word to my mouth
***

I live in this hell
This hell!

Critically tryna’ blink myself into a southern bell
***

God made me ugly so He could love me

And you can hate me

I despise ever being born

I’m constantly
And consistently

Begging God

To please relieve me of this thorn

!Paranoid!

Release me from this mind carved storm

Edited 1/7/2014
Edited 4/9/2019
Edited 3/16/2023

Edited 1/7/2014
Edited 4/9/2019
Edited 3/16/2023

https://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/canvas-thinktankpoetry?si=9de24084a3b248bf809dbcfc23af9193&utm_source=clipboard&utm_medium=text&utm_campaign=social_sharing

mentalnotes1

Light lily’s breeze through his buildings

Turning his mouth cotton candy

Was a moon to me that exhaled my essence?

With laughter

From embarrassment

Or

From an hour glass

Timeless image

Faded photograph

That blew butterflies thru my frame

And sat me on pipes thrusting pulsed between my brains

Not even the roughest twister

Can tame

His hurricane

That paints

A picture

Of Her

View original post

Sculpting – Poetry

If I could sculpt myself a tear

I’d make it audible

Allowing even the deaf to hear

***

If I could sculpt myself a tear

I’d paint it purple

Signifying royalty

And make all the blue disappear

***

If I could sculpt myself a tear

I’d relinquish loneliness

And mix this liquid with a prayer  

***

If I could sculpt myself a tear

I’d give it an automatic reset

So that it would never be in need of repair

***

If I could sculpt myself a tear

I would never create it

Cold

And salty

Like

This wicked world

I don’t write sweet poems ~ Poetry

Chairs window pains and picture frames hold secrets
~~~
Misunderstood with tradition and verbs
~~~
Rifts creeks crevices and curves obey commands and surgically implant paranoia with bad words
~~~
I can see invisible people watching me hiding in the seams
~~~
While drums beat heavy from the rear of my twisted dreams

~~~

Naturally it’s the thing I wear

~~~

Everything is not always as beautiful as it may appear
~~~
I whisper truth to myself and pretend not to hear

~~~

Till poetry becomes aggressive and lines become smeared
~~~
Time has no expiration date and statute of limitations don’t exsist

~~~

Don’t ever get distracted it’s not always easy to resist

~~~

The thoughts

~~~

And I don’t write sweet poems

I Waited for November (dVerse) Audio

Painting by Edward William Cooke, Venice, A November Evening in the Lagoon (1859)

I waited

She said this was the safest place

It was 1800 hours and I felt the sadness engulf me

As I looked on past the sunset

Blank with guilt

I waited

And I waited

And I waited for her

Days came

And they went

The sun shifted

And it bent

I talked to the gods

Bowed my head hopeful this would be rectified if I repent

But the water

Froze still

And the quiet consumed me

And I knew

She was gone

But 

…

I waited

https://dversepoets.com/2022/11/29/poetics-the-landscape-sleeps-ekphrastic-prompt/

Way Side (Written for dVerse Poets)

The night was lost

Drowning in this noise 

Aiming to lose this fight

Lost in the dark of sight

Can’t make out what’s wrong with the right

I passed Sally from 21st and 7th Ave.

There was nothing funny in this world can’t muster up a laugh

Henry and Veronica moved pass me slow and tried to graze my eyes

So I kept walking and talking to the ground

Somebody’s daughter was lost never to be found

Buried in these streets

The hustle and bustle of New York night left me blank in thought

I can’t hear my thoughts

But they whispers to me bad words 

And beat me in my dreams

And reminds me what’s wrong with this night

That I’m mangled with these streets can’t win this fight

And I can’t keep sharing my whiskey with Henry and Veronica only makes things risky for a drought

And I howl mamma’s favorite 70’s song to the wind and tell New York traffic my woes

I give pedestrians the blues just for show

I can’t wake myself

Fallen

This life takes too long

And reminds me

I’ve been left by the wayside

https://dversepoets.com/2022/10/04/poetics-allen-ginsberg-and-the-beat-generation/

Widowed – Poetry

My ring finger holds a secret

A lingering

To be remembered

Opposite side

It sits heavy

Where two worlds collide

My right hand is covered

But my ring finger died

There is no growing season

Twilight moons have become full grown

The growl in my aches have turned full blown

I am childlike from these moans

My pen and paper have turned stones

From the weight of this wind

And death has become my companion

Widowed

***
https://www.eterneva.com/resources/what-to-do-with-wedding-ring-after-spouse-dies

Nauseous (Poetry)

mentalnotes1

Nauseous from all the sour men I’ve eaten

Understanding my belly more because of them it’s deepened

Watching others cope by cutting while I watch the blood seeping

Tired from this nod spend all my time sleeping

I’ve been confused, panicked and afflicted

Poor me another so I become estranged and addicted

Lady Sings the Blues was my song

Tryna’ wait on God but He seems to take too long

Dancing would have been nice if it wouldn’t have sickened my brain

Spirituality gone wild need a lion trainer to tame

Moonless nights and sunless days

So she plays

And she played

And he paid

Running from her Shadow Knights turning into days

And he stays

Then he strays

So she prays

An evil trick left me sick nervous click felt time tick

Took me days and days till Dawn the universe spinning there’s no Harmony lost in my yawn

View original post 14 more words

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/remembering#share

As I sat on the edge of my bed praying for redemption 

I felt the knot in my gut spring up in my soul

My body went cold and the memories took control

And I asked God for forgiveness because only he knew what I did

And the people who did it…

I got rid of that thing because I knew it was his

And I hated him

The thing was a monster

I wanted it gone

I wanted it dead

But still so much a part of me

I did not want the world to see

What this man planted in me

I laid still frozen on my back

While I heard the chants from the windows

From murmurs priest and Catholic’s

Screaming

MURDERER!

As one single tear drop fell from my eye

And collided pass my ear and slid down my neck

And froze itself right there

Tickling my neck

But this was not funny

And I dare not even crack a smile

I laid frozen on my back as the chants got louder

I refuse to cry because that would have been an admission of

Of…

Of…

Of something I dare not admit with this tongue

The thing was a monster

I wanted it gone

I wanted it dead

But still so much a part of me

This thing that lived inside of me

Was haunting me

And I heard him whisper

You are beautiful, as he brushed my hair to the side

Every night at 3 o clock in the morning

And I was mourning for my innocents

That I lost a long time ago

Now I live with this thing

This thing

This monstrous thing!

I just knew I’d be free…

As I laid there flat on my back

Spread eagle

Waiting for this thing to exit my womb

I wanted to bury it,,,

Tie a chain to it

And throw it in the sea

OF THE FORGOTTEN

AND THE FORGIVEN

So it can never again resurface

I was praying to have not

One

Single

Memory

Of this event

But here

I lay

20 Years Later

Still

Flat on my back

REMEMBERING…

He made me feel like I was in dream

With a lot of gentle

Mixed with a just enough mean

He touched me softly

And my nibbles arose

He even asked me if he could suck my toes

He was nothing like the last man  I choose

He sucked on my nibbles

Like cherries to the seed

I was hungry for this ocean in me to be freed

I rolled over, trying to shift my weight

I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming

It felt like I was in some kind of dream state

He kissed my neck

And he made me moan

He looked in my eyes

Challenging my sensual tone

I tried to get up but he pinned me down

And all I heard was nasty, wet slurping sounds

He had me wet and paralyzed to the bed

His face disappeared and all I saw was his head

Finally he came up for air and kissed me on my face

I pulled him closer because I wanted to taste

And I licked his face leaving non of me to waste

I laid back screaming

Because his tongue felt so good

I really wanted to cum

I really felt like I could

He said

You better not cum

But every emotion in me won

When he went back down

And I began to scream

And I was pissed off when the flight attendant woke me

Realizing

It was only

Just

A dream

 

THANK YOU FOR THE INSPIRATION http://shackledandcrowned.wordpress.com/2013/04/12/friendship/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNoiZAFNYn4

https://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/a-thousand-miles-of-highway

We were like a thousand miles of highway

With never ending transitions

A tunnel

A pathway

To everywhere

I know we’ve been in la-la land

Somewhere far away on our journey to love

Random tokens of affection straddle my shoulder

And trickle down my spine

And I know he sees my silhouette dancing slowly for the moon

And yesterday he made love to me from across the room

And it was beautiful

Like all the times before

And it was nothing fancy but so much more

We were like a thousand miles of highway

Riding somewhere pass the end of the earth

Falling

We were…

We were…

We were falling in love

We played footsies from across the room

And he smelled me

Because I was his perfume

And no amount of turmoil could penetrate our portal

We were only mere mortals

But we were in love

When he touched me I felt his protection

This was not about sex

But so much more

We were exempt from

Economics

Social acceptability

Or prejudice

He was my white

And I was his black

And there were no “Grey Areas”

We were in a magic place

We were…

On a thousand miles of highway

Dis-Order (Poetry)

I eat to make the pain fade today
And the dragon in my belly
Plays monstrous villains
Till all my emotional scares fade away
You’ll never understand why I eat the way I do
Don’t try and diagnose me
Because I will eat you away too
I will vomit till my face turns blue
Tryna’ forget that I hate you
And that I hate myself too

DIS-ORDER

My Dr. told me I had a nervous bleeding in my brain

The judge told me I was criminally insane

I knew some of my crazy was from the cocaine

See I’ve had my lover tied up in the basement for, only God knows when

I looked at him and said…

YOU WILL STAY WITH ME AND YOU’LL STAY UNTIL THE VERY END

Crying clowns and morbid sounds

Crows above

And blood filled tubs 

Mask and cutting glass

Black moons and poison mushrooms

Empty rooms filled with witches brooms

A jackals tale seeing acid trails

A dirty deed planted with demonic seeds

A haunted trust with piercing thrusts

Gagged with rags and gasoline bags

Heart melting eyes singing cryptic lullabies

Tormented mimes with twisted spines

Sickening rhymes with catholic chimes

A fantasy reversed with a witches curse

A dog moon with hidden rooms

A serpent’s tail stuffed with human cells

A joker’s laugh after its evil craft

A rotten kiss with blood filled lips

An evil moon staring at us from the basements tomb

I bound his mouth with tape

I looked around him things starting to take shape

Shift shaper and hate makers whisper in my ear

I stopped taking my meds and things don’t seem real clear

I rub my eyes trying hard to stay awake

My body trembled and my hands began to shake

My Dr. told me I had a nervous bleeding in my brain

The judge told me I was criminally insane

I knew some of my crazy was from the cocaine

See I’ve had my lover tied up in the basement for, only God knows when

I looked at him and said…

YOU WILL STAY WITH ME AND YOU’LL STAY UNTIL THE VERY END 

I’m chasing you

To catch up to a memory

Where drums beat cartwheels through my heart

And love has trapped me in a pianos tune

We sip mushrooms

And plant seeds of hope

For all who doubt

That we are in love

And if loving you pass eternity isn’t enough

I will come back

In another life

And love you again

I’m chasing you

To catch up to a memory

Where drums beat cartwheels through my heart

And love has trapped me in a pianos tune

For all who doubt

That we are in love

I will come back

In another life

And love you again

For Halloween I want to be a morphine drip

To let the sun dry me up

And run healing through this broken cup

But there is no sun in October

And the weather is always better after the rain

The atmosphere is clearer

But the environment stays the same

 

For Halloween I want to be a morphine drip

And sip on tomorrow

And lend out me

And get back things people have barrowed

I want to empty this drip 

And let go of Eden that holds on to me with a death grip

The Garden of Eden was not a place

But an atmosphere

And things are not always as beautiful as they may appear

 

For Halloween I want to be a morphine drip

So I can crawl backwards through my veins

And nod sluggishly off into corrosion

Mixing this chemical with the rain

 

I want to be a morphine drip

To plunge into this open rip

Keep me filled to slow this painful trip

 

Drip into this wrought

And saturate every

Contaminated

Delusional

Unclean

Thought

 

Drip until you can only see the whites of my eyes

Please don’t touch me

Because everything that enters me dies

So keep me planted in this metaphoric drip

Because October will soon be gone

My love is

Deeper than an oceans wave 

To pave a twisters fall

Tides cave

And lovers wave

From beyond this epic crawl

Paradox hold shoulders

Under an oceans rock

And that’s why my love for you will always be

Deeper than any world

A fantasy can unlock

Deeper than an ocean

Happy Mothers Day ❤

https://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/audio-recording-on-saturday-1

I am riding the embers of these aches

I am LaBella

And I will die alone

A wrinkled

Old slut

I am riding the embers of these aches

Even robots cry

To dance through a metals wave

To bend iron cast down

Built ships through this junk filled maze

Awaiting rust

Standing still from yester years decay

Rainbows have rain

Rain has dirt

But robots have people 

Who feel nothing

Even when they hurt

 

Even robots cry 

FYI:  https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2013/05/23/tears-poem/

I call her sad and troubled, she is beautiful and her face has inspired many pieces.

So here she is again (:

 Tears weighing heavy

 Was the crooked tilt of judgments scales

I could feel the rust that sired me in between my harnessed vial

I wanted love but hate was the only boat that sailed

Rotted flint

Air came

Then went

Teasing sensations

That leaned

Then bent

Cement

That became

Part of me

Sunk Deep were fragments of

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

Sunk Deep were fragments of

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

Rotted flint

Air came

Then went

https://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/something-beautiful-poetry

My shadow keeps chasing me

Urging me to create

Something Beautiful

An epiphany stiffens me into a dark thought

As I begin to create a Beautiful dialogue

With self

I embrace Serendipity

And I realize

She was

Something Beautiful

MISTRESS – POETRY

I fell in love the moment I met him 

I knew he wasn’t mines

But he grew on me

Like a 19^th century bottle of

Old money kind’a wine

She knew about us for years

And for years she took a back seat

Because she knew without me

His heart was strangely weak

He was a police officer

And in the line of duty, he was shot

I screamed!

Please tell me he is not dead!

Please tell me he is not!!

He laid in the hospital

In that dreadful coma for 20 long weeks

It was not her body he longed for

Between those hospital sheets

It was hard for her to deny

Because she knew if she did not find me

Her husband would surely die

This woman knew he was in love with me

And only wanted her husband to survive

So willing to do anything

To keep her husband alive

She grabbed his phone

Braced herself

And stood up on her feet

She sought me out knowing

His heart was strangely weak

I laid with him

And she approved of me

In that hospital bed

She silently requested help

And pushed me towards his bed

A few days later he awoke

I jumped up from between the sheets 

And it killed her

As she looked on

Knowing

I was the reason

His heart still beat

Its been three years now

And she is still his wife 

And  everyday

I regret the day

I saved that bastard’s life!

I am a writer, and the joy of being a writer is having some versatility. I get to write about whatever I want, and hope you, the reader, can find some common ground. “My Avatar” is dark; she is the little girl that lives in me, she is a spoiled, rotten, weird, little brat.  She is all my fears and a product of every person who ever hurt me. She is all my resentments I still work so hard to let go of still today. She is a product of every man that ever broke my heart, starting with my father.

She is the product of a mother who was murdered and a father who was never around. “My Avatar” the character is a lot of things, but most of all she is afraid. She is afraid of you and she is afraid of the woman in me that continues to discipline her. “My Avatar” is more than a little dark. I love this project because it challenged me as a writer to write about something different.

When I read books, stories and poetry I often wonder if the people are anything like what or who they write about. Of course we are our characters on some level.

I had to put this footnote in this book. I had some friends who I trust to critique some of my writings ask me if I was alright. That made me smile; an effective writer should impact the reader. I believe I had done that. My hope is it will impact you the same way it did my friends who critiqued my manuscript. Of course I am ok, just me doing what I love to do, write.

WELCOME TO MY PEACEFUL INSANITY

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-poetry#play

Why give me this body that imprisons my soul?

I Rome this bruised space hiding from my own disgrace

That spills over in my world

That only knows me as a little girl

But I am a woman!

And I know because I have the scars to prove it

I have titts and ass like an hour glass

And puberty has been years passed

But I am still a little girl

And my avatar wants to leave because I won’t let her breathe

Smothering her with my fears of

Today …

Tomorrow…

And most of all yesterday

But she stays to play anyway

Realistic

Misogynistic

Can’t stand her because

She is protected

By her avatar

My avatar loves to come out and play

While keeping all the bad people away

Sugar and spice was a fantasy that had been reversed

By an evil curse that keeps sick lyrics playing in my brain

Shame

Shame is I can’t hide from my hazel eyes

That keep seeing me down this wicked path

Where gargoyles were supposed to make me feel safe

And hide me from my tortured fate

And only they know where I’ve been

As my OCD forces me to repeat things

Over

And over

And over again

My avatar plays double dutch, patty cake, hide and seek

And plays these tapes over and over in my mind sometimes for weeks

Non-stop

That’s when my watched stopped

And froze me right there

For pedestrians to stop and stare at me in my obliviance

Ollie-ollie in come free

Is what they scream at me

deeming

Me

Broken

While I’m smoking up on yesterday

And my avatar

She comforts me in my

Disobedience

She comforts me

In my deviants

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-part-3-poetry#

This twisted kiss

I’m hating this

Exposing all this fckin’ shit

The word play

The comments today

Lead me down a path of twisted no where’s

With share and likes

But who is it that really sits behind that pc

From my solace carries malice

But you wouldn’t know just by reading me

Never seeing me but looking thru me

From my reality

My Avatar

She waves goodbye to me

Only a morbid sign

Of rotten chimes

Sounds of angels

But the root is mangled

And I will never be granted my wings

Because off all the bad things I’ve seen

As I watch her play on that wicked and rusted swing

Posting this shit for you to read between what’s caught

The twisted thoughts

A fckin’ sadist

 Is how I made this

Sick game

For her own personal gain

Re-lived

Innocents

Free me from this dark cloud of razor blades

Anxiety and depression

Living in this lesson

That I tainted with my own haunted files

I only needed her for a little while

Now bats circle my bed

Like a storm brewing over my head

And stewing in suicidal thoughts

Caught in a web

That keeps me isolated

Gabriel keeps trying to get me to journey the map

It’s a silly trap and I remember the road that it traveled for way too long

Singing hate me by Blue October http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddxgsvjinlu

Left

Right

And none are right so I lose sight

Of what’s right with the wrong

And I listen while crying to Blue October’s song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddxgsvjinlu

Hate me

 

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-part-4-poetry#play

Hate me for loving you and losing me

I can’t stand the saying it

It’s gonna be what it’s gonna be

Fckin’ misogynistics!

I risk it

My mind

Screams

Get the fckin’ razor blades and just end this fckin’ shit

My avatar sings lullabies as the thoughts slowly persist

Somewhere pass my rain

Getting high on cocaine

While singing

Fuc the world and this little girl

I use as protection

She is my reflection

She is my avatar

My perfection

I muse just to confuse

Traveling roads with agonistic fools

 I was the one who was lost

And left behind

With this ghost

That was not free

Because my avatar refused to grow up with me

My adversaries wanted to marry me and carry me pass my expiration date

But it was fate that tipped the scales

And did all that it could to release me from my cell

Faith led me back to my avatar that tucked me away

Safe

In a deep denial 

Filed

Memories

Confidential and sadistic

If you are lost by these words

You may need to read this again

Because you missed it

Go ahead

Read it again

And relive my insanity

Over

And over 

And over again

If it’s too hard for you to find

Here is a hint

It’s hidden

Hidden somewhere between these twisted lines

Somewhere mangled with the rhyme

I need a hospital to sooth my broken lows

From black coals free-basin’ in my soul

And I need something beautiful

Like henna

Or a wedding song to keep me in my fantasy

Misogynism romances me

Dances with me

Deceives me

And never leaves my side

My avatar seems so free

She laughs at my anxiety

While my OCD has me counting

Every

Memory

Since 1983

And they lied to me

So I shower

Obsessively

Over

And over

And over again

And I’m well aware

That I’m fckin’ weird

My avatar keeps me safe

While I live inside this twisted place

MY AVATAR PART 2

MY AVATAR ( POETRY W/ AUDIO PART 1)

MY AVATAR (POETRY PART 3 W/ AUDIO)

https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/20/my-avatar-part-4/

Mal Voix

I don’t deserve deliciousSelf deprecating wishesI don’t deserve the moonThe sun can turn its face tooI found my father’s touchOf gloom in my veinsResiduals of pain remanufacturedIn me the stress of eternity Stretching to be better thanThe very best of goodI cry to laugh instead ofRemembering the cruelCool, cool, cool Do other humansScold themselves orOverthink […]

Mal Voix

Talk heavy! At some poetry events, it’s traditional to snap fingers when a poet has really made an impression. Well, where I’m from, everyone says in unison. TALK HEAVY!! TALK HEAVY, TALK HEAVY!! It’s really a very powerful expression.

Poetry Review

This poet has his comments turned, I feel like a woman trying to have her voice and assessment heard. I’m pushy. This poem touched my heart ❤️

This poem is a raw, introspective exploration of self-worth, generational pain, and the complex, often fraught relationships between parent and child. He/she (not sure) drew me into this deeply personal, almost confessional space.

The recurring motif of undeservedness—”I don’t deserve delicious,” “I don’t deserve the moon”—suggests a pervasive self-doubt and an inherited sense of inadequacy.  The poet grapples with the emotional residue of a father’s “touch of gloom” and a mother’s judgments, painting a picture of someone burdened by both their lineage and their own internal struggles. The lines- “Residuals of pain remanufactured / In me the stress of eternity” poignantly capture the idea of inherited trauma reshaping the self.
This poem also raises universal questions: “Do other humans / Scold themselves or / Overthink to the hilt of difficult” speaks to the shared, often unspoken burdens of overanalysis and self-criticism. It confronts the paradox of feeling like “no one” despite striving to be “better than the very best of good.”

The poets language shifts between sharp, almost clinical observations—“self-inflicted discontented / Polydactyl internalized sewer-like sores of contradiction”—and moments of tender vulnerability, such as the acknowledgment of a father’s forgotten love and the longing for connection: “Feel the love spilt over the ground.” This contrast mirrors the push and pull between self-loathing and the yearning for healing.
Ultimately, the poem is a cathartic expression of pain and resilience. The final lines—“we carry on”—capture the persistence of the human spirit, even under the weight of wounds both inherited and self-inflicted. It’s a poignant reminder of the complexities of identity, love, and the ongoing journey toward self-acceptance.

I know, I’m longwinded, at least that’s what my mate tells me 😊

Fascinating self assessment! I love poetry, it is so therapeutic. I have wrote away the pain in many of my pieces.

I will stop here because I feel another paragraph stiring, and this review has already gotten very lengthy.

This poem was heart-felt, I absolutely adore the vulnerability of it ❤️

Death Waits for Me ~ Poetry

I have gone for miles trying to catch your breath
Through fields of sorrow through the shadow of death

Beneath the moon’s soft silver light
Death walks alone in the still of night

The grim reaper calm yet cold
With stories of ages both young and old

Running from the reaper he’s looked at with disgust
Time slipping through fingers we’ll all return to dust

Going to an unfamiliar place he pulls me down low
And I’m sad from the weight of what I know

I hope I get to say my goodbyes as I wait as I see
Because death is patient
Because death still waits for me

It whispers it glides through the silent air
A promise of peace or a touch of despair

It dances where time begins to fray
Guiding the lost on their final way

No plea can halt its steady stride
For no one can slip from its grasp or even hide

A quiet close to the storms of life
I’m not ready to enter the afterlife

Have no fear death is not the end we see
But surely a doorway
To eternity

Poetry Review – By Adam Fenner

Mangled – Reviewed

In “Mangled,” the poet takes the reader through the messy, chaotic experience of being trapped in one’s own thoughts—where memories don’t just resurface, but become twisted, dissected, and judged. The poem revolves around the mental struggle of overthinking, of being unable to escape the weight of one’s own mind. The speaker isn’t simply recalling the past; they are stuck in a loop of revisiting, analyzing, and condemning their own thoughts. Each memory becomes a battleground, a place where the past is constantly questioned and critiqued, turning into a source of shame and self-recrimination. The speaker’s mind is overwhelmed by the tangled mess of their own thoughts, unable to find peace or clarity.

The structure of the poem reflects this mental confusion. The fragmented lines, interruptions, and repetitions mirror the speaker’s inability to string together coherent thoughts. The constant shift between “What I thought” and “What’s the coordinance?” shows how the speaker is stuck in a cycle of overthinking, where not only their memories but the very act of thinking itself becomes disjointed and unreliable. This kind of disorientation is central to the experience the poem captures—it’s not just that the speaker is struggling to locate themselves within their thoughts, but that their thoughts themselves are fractured and elusive. The repeated use of “Shame” amplifies this feeling, acting as a hammering reminder of self-judgment that the speaker can’t escape. It’s as if the speaker is locked in a mental loop, unable to let go of the negative thoughts and judgments they place on themselves.

What’s striking in the poem is the way judgment doesn’t just come from others—it comes from within. The speaker is at war with their own mind, constantly trying to make sense of their thoughts but only digging themselves deeper into confusion. Lines like “What’s the hypothesis” show that the speaker is attempting to approach their mental state rationally, almost scientifically, as if trying to distance themselves from the emotional chaos. But this rational approach only highlights the impossibility of escaping the mental fog. The mention of “coordinance,” a term usually associated with order and direction, shows the speaker’s desperate need for a way to navigate through their own mind. Yet, despite all this searching, the answer remains elusive. The poem ends as it began, with the speaker still lost, unable to find the mental clarity they so desperately seek.

The sense of being trapped within their own judgment is also evident in the language the speaker uses. Terms like “dirty names,” “kink,” and “scum” show how the speaker feels disgusted by their own thoughts. They’re not just struggling with their past actions but with the very nature of their thoughts, rejecting them as something inherently wrong. There’s an internal battle here—not just between the past and present, but between the speaker’s sense of self and the shame they carry. “Who have I become?” expresses the confusion and loss of identity that comes from constantly dissecting oneself. The speaker doesn’t just regret past mistakes—they regret the thoughts that led to those mistakes, and they cannot separate themselves from the judgment of those thoughts.

The poem doesn’t offer any easy answers. It doesn’t provide a way out of the maze of thoughts that the speaker is trapped in. Instead, it invites the reader into the same disorienting space, where clarity is just out of reach, and every attempt to understand or make sense of things only adds to the confusion. The struggle is raw, unrelenting, and uncomfortable, but it’s also deeply human. It’s about living in a mind that constantly judges itself, where every thought and memory is scrutinized to the point of self-loathing.

At its core, “Mangled” captures the inner turmoil of trying to reconcile one’s thoughts with one’s sense of self. The speaker is caught in a cycle of judgment, unable to escape the mental chaos that clouds their perception. There’s no easy way out, and that’s what makes the poem so effective—it doesn’t offer comfort or resolution. Instead, it pulls the reader into the raw, messy, uncomfortable reality of living with a mind that refuses to stop questioning, analyzing, and criticizing itself. The poem is a reflection of the struggle that many of us face, trying to make sense of our thoughts and memories without getting lost in the judgment we place on them.

Mangled ~Poetry

Translucent memories

Stained by the wrought

Mangled by

The thought

What I thought

About the thoughts

To taunt my brain

Memories untamed

No human should have this kind of sprain in their brain

Shame!

Shame!!

Shame!!!

‘Cause sensations knows my name from past games

Mind calling self all kinds of dirty names

Wrapped in kink

Scum and cum

Who have I become

I’ve dozed into this trap

It’s a sadistic handicap

Please wake me from this memory gap

What’s the coordinance?

I’m trying to find my way back to consciousness

What’s the hypothesis

~~~

Mangled by the thought

What I thought about the thoughts

What’s your coordinance?

Unquenchable ~ Poetry

A force fervent and robust

A fleeting touch a longing thrust

It dances wild it seeks it must

Through hearts and minds it leaves its dust

The wind whispers a soft deceptive gust

Forces me to succumb or combust

It’s just…

Take me or I might bust!

A complex energy of love and trust

Don’t let me rust

Tangled in touch

Can’t get enough

An unspoken lie

Mangled in lust

And leaves me

Hungry

Featured Author ~ Tyler Knot Gregson

“l love you, in ways you’ve never been loved, for reasons you’ve never been told, for longer than you think you deserved and with more than you will ever know existed inside me.”

– Tyler Knott Gregson- Chaser of the Light

Foolish ~ Poetry

Such a foolish thing
To love so blindly
Tryna’ find me
In your thoughts
And not even A.I
Can find me in your cloud

Foolish

Gratitude ~ Poetry

Beaming like the sun

Sprouting like a tree

The best part is everyday I wake up

God waters me

My process is neverending

And I will probably never be done

But everyday I wake up

I thank God for who I’ve become

Writer Unknown – Poetry

When I walk pass the mirror

I do not look

And she does not want to be seen

Misogynism ~ Poetry

In shadows deep where silence screams
A world unfolds of shattered dreams
Where voices stifled hearts confined
In chains of bias souls maligned
Knowledge grows and hearts resist
Against the tide of misogynists
~~~
Beneath the weight of ancient lore
A gender fights forevermore
For every whimper for every plea
A cry for justice to just be free
Knowledge grows and hearts resist
Against the tide of misogynists
~~~
In every glance that casts disdain
In every word that fuels the pain
We’ll stand together feet in stride
Holding hands with heads held high
Knowledge grows and hearts resist
Against the tide of misogynists
~~~
Yet through the darkness hope does gleam
In every heart a fervent dream
To break the chains to rise above
In unity in strength and wrapped in love
Knowledge grows and hearts resist
Against the tide of misogynists
~~~
For every woman for every girl
Deserves the right to shape the world
To stand as equals side by side
With dignity boundaries and boundless pride
Knowledge grows and hearts resist
Against the tide of misogynists
~~~
So let us fight let voices soar
For those who came for those before
In solidarity we fight to find
A future bright for all mankind
Knowledge grows and hearts resist
Against the tide of misogynists