NERVOUS BLEEDING IN MY BRAIN (POETRY W/AUDIO) RATED R

My Dr. told me I had a nervous bleeding in my brain

The judge told me I was criminally insane

I knew some of my crazy was from the cocaine

See I’ve had my lover tied up in the basement for, only God knows when

I looked at him and said…

YOU WILL STAY WITH ME AND YOU’LL STAY UNTIL THE VERY END

Crying clowns and morbid sounds

Crows above

And blood filled tubs

Mask and cutting glass

Black moons and poison mushrooms

Empty rooms filled with witches brooms

A jackals tale seeing acid trails

A dirty deed planted with demonic seeds

A haunted trust with piercing thrusts

Gagged with rags and gasoline bags

Heart melting eyes singing cryptic lullabies

Tormented mimes with twisted spines

Sickening rhymes with catholic chimes

A fantasy reversed with a witches curse

A dog moon with hidden rooms

A serpent’s tail stuffed with human cells

A joker’s laugh after its evil craft

A rotten kiss with blood filled lips

An evil moon staring at us from the basements tomb

I bound his mouth with tape

I looked around him things starting to take shape

Shift shaper and hate makers whisper in my ear

I stopped taking my meds and things don’t seem real clear

I rub my eyes trying hard to stay awake

My body trembled and my hands began to shake

My Dr. told me I had a nervous bleeding in my brain

The judge told me I was criminally insane

I knew some of my crazy was from the cocaine

See I’ve had my lover tied up in the basement for, only God knows when

I looked at him and said…

YOU WILL STAY WITH ME AND YOU’LL STAY UNTIL THE VERY END

CHASING ETERNITY (POETRY)

I’m chasing you

To catch up to a memory

Where drums beat cartwheels through my heart

And love has trapped me in a pianos tune

We sip mushrooms

And plant seeds of hope

For all who doubt

That we are in love

And if loving you pass eternity isn’t enough

I will come back

In another life

And love you again

I’m chasing you

To catch up to a memory

Where drums beat cartwheels through my heart

And love has trapped me in a pianos tune

For all who doubt

That we are in love

I will come back

In another life

And love you again

JILTED CEMENT (POETRY)

FYI:  https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2013/05/23/tears-poem/

I call her sad and troubled, she is beautiful and her face has inspired many pieces.

So here she is again (:

 Tears weighing heavy

 Was the crooked tilt of judgments scales

I could feel the rust that sired me in between my harnessed vial

I wanted love but hate was the only boat that sailed

Rotted flint

Air came

Then went

Teasing sensations

That leaned

Then bend

Cement

That became

Part of me

Sunk Deep were fragments of

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

Sunk Deep were fragments of

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

Rotted flint

Air came

Then went

WET DREAM (POETRY)

He made me feel like I was in dream

With a lot of gentle

Mixed with a just enough mean

He touched me softly

And my nibbles arose

He even asked me if he could suck my toes

He was nothing like the last man  I choose

He sucked on my nibbles

Like cherries to the seed

I was hungry for this ocean in me to be freed

I rolled over, trying to shift my weight

I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming

It felt like I was in some kind of dream state

He kissed my neck

And he made me moan

He looked in my eyes

Challenging my sensual tone

I tried to get up but he pinned me down

And all I heard was nasty, wet slurping sounds

He had me wet and paralyzed to the bed

His face disappeared and all I saw was his head

Finally he came up for air and kissed me on my face

I pulled him closer because I wanted to taste

And I licked his face leaving non of me to waste

I laid back screaming

Because his tongue felt so good

I really wanted to cum

I really felt like I could

He said

You better not cum

But every emotion in me won

When he went back down

And I began to scream

And I was pissed off when the flight attendant woke me

Realizing

It was only a dream

 

A THOUSAND MILES OF HIGHWAY (AMATURE YOU TUBE)

THANK YOU FOR THE INSPIRATION http://shackledandcrowned.wordpress.com/2013/04/12/friendship/

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNoiZAFNYn4

https://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/a-thousand-miles-of-highway

We were like a thousand miles of highway

With never ending transitions

A tunnel

A pathway

To everywhere

I know we’ve been in la-la land

Somewhere far away on our journey to love

Random tokens of affection straddle my shoulder

And trickle down my spin

And I know he sees my silhouette dancing slowly for the moon

And yesterday he made love to me from across the room

And it was beautiful

Like all the times before

And it was nothing fancy but so much more

We were like a thousand miles of highway

Riding somewhere pass the end of the earth

Falling

We were…

We were…

Falling in love

We played footsies from across the room

And he smelled me

Because I was his  perfume

And no amount of turmoil could penetrate our portal

We were only mere mortals

But we were in love

When he touched me I felt his protection

This was not about sex

But so much more

We were exempt from…

Economics

Social acceptability

Or prejudice

He was my white

And I was his black

And there were no “Grey Areas”

We were in a magic place

We were…

On a thousand miles of highway

SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL (POETRY W/ AUDIO)

https://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/something-beautiful-poetry

My shadow keeps chasing me

Urging me to create

Something Beautiful

An epiphany stiffens me into a dark thought

As I begin to create a Beautiful dialogue

With self

I embrace Serpendipity

And I realize

She was

Something Beautiful

OK, SO I HAVE NOT PERFECTED THIS “SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL” CONCEPT YET. THIS POEM STILL HAS DARK UNDERTONES, EVIDENCE BY THE PICTURE I AM STILL A LITTLE BITTER. 

IT’S PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION PEOPLE (:

THE HEART IS RESILIENT

MISTRESS (EPIGRAM W/AUDIO) (REVISED)

Broken Heart Guy

https://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/mistress-1

I met him; I fell in love with him

I knew he wasn’t mines

But he grew on me

Like a 19th century bottle of

Old money kind’a wine

She knew about us for years

And for years she took a back seat

Because she knew without me

His heart was strangely weak

He was a police officer

And in the line of duty, he was shot

I screamed!

Please tell me he is not dead!

Please tell me he is not!!

He layed in the hospital

In that dreadful coma for 20 long weeks

It was not her body he longed for

Between those hospital sheets

It was hard for her to deny

Because she knew if she did not find me

Her husband would surely die

This woman knew he was in love with me

And only wanted her husband to survive

So willing to do anything

To keep her husband alive

She grabbed his phone

Braced herself

And stood up on her feet

She sought me out knowing

His heart was strangely weak

I laid with him

And she approved of me

In that hospital bed

She silently requested help

And pushed me towards his bed

A few days later he awoke

And I jumped up between his sheets

And it killed her

As she looked on

Knowing

I was the reason

His heart still beat

Its been three years now

And she is still his wife ):

And  everyday

I regret the day

I saved that bastards life!

VOICE (EPIGRAM REPOST W/AUDIO)

https://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/voice

 

His name was Tommy and his spirit’s alive and well.

I hope you don’t mind it’s his story I shall tell.

He would be 37 but at the time he was 12.

And for many years his life was a living hell.

Well it’s his father he despised.

All his sneaky ways and dirty little lies.

His dad was strange in many different ways.

What Tommy didn’t know is his dad had full blown AIDS.

His dad was in denial; he wouldn’t take any meds.

Every night Tommy’s dad would cry then come lay in Tommy’s bed.

Tommy was 12, to him a man, he knew this wasn’t right.

He’d lay there quiet, he dare not fight.

He was 15 and with every fiber he said NO!

His dad looked at him and they both stood toe to toe.

Tommy stood strong as his dad raised his fist.

This was his life and wasn’t it supposed to be a gift.

Life’s meaning erased.

And even his favorite pie had a bitter taste.

He started feeling strange but he didn’t want to believe. 

His dad had given him this horrible disease called HIV.

Tommy’s life at this point, he felt like he had no say.

Because the thoughts and feelings he was having surely made him gay.

His father died and he was glad to see him go.

He was a constant reminder of this disease and no one else could know.

This thing had him tossing and turning all through the night.

He was tired and said, Toya, I just don’t have the strength to fight.

Tommy let the years pass him by with each passing day.

The truth was he was scared and let fear lead the way.

He was like a shadow chasing the sun until it disappeared.

Tommy was lost and bound to a zillion little tears.

Strangely his first semester class did a project on children with AIDS.

And he decided to take his life back on that very special day.

As he walked through the hospital children marked by sores.

Babies in small bubbles; his heart was completely torn.

He ran to the bathroom and cried until he hit the floor.

He asked God; please tell me what is all this for?

I don’t do drugs.

I don’t sleep around.

And Tommy didn’t want to be gay.

His dad was just a real sick man that took his innocence away.

For all the children who don’t have a choice.

Tommy decided to take a stand and be the children’s voice.

He stood in front of thousands and said…

My name is Tommy and I have AIDS.

And I’m speaking for all the little people who become victims every day.

His body’s 6 feet under but his spirit’s still alive.

And if you’re reading this then his spirit has survived.

This is Tommy’s way of continuing to be the children’s voice.

This is for all the little people who never had a choice.

 

 

                                                Thank you, Tommy.

HE CALLED ME HER (POETRY W/ AUDIO)

Broken Heart Emo

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/he-called-me-her-poetry#play

Her name flew from his mouth and dangled in the air

But she lives in his heart and she will always be their

Her name was inches from his lips

The same ones I just kissed

And I’d be fooling myself

If I said he wouldn’t be missed

I looked in his face

And I could see this was no cold case

Cause he still loved her

My emotions will have me twisted somewhere beyond belief

And have me so out of touch I’ll be hard to reach

Her name

Her name drifted past my cheek

And stood its position for weeks

And I knew she was their

And he knew I knew

I was mopping in a snap shot

And deserving of every emotion I got

Because I knew he was broken

And he knew I knew

Tonight I sat in my class drinking from a half empty glass

And all I could hear was her name

And he and I would never be the same

And I had no one but me to blame

For

My lapse in judgment

My heart is screaming

And bleeding

And needing him

I try to smile

Going about my day

But my mind is miles

And miles

And miles away

Because I love him

He called me her name and I froze

It was her name that told the truth

He is not mines

Please God free me from my insanity

Cause all the pieces are with her

Never in my life had this occurred

That day is a blurr

But what I will never forget

Is that he called me her

I could not pretend

And I dare not give him a chance to do it again

See

Because

He

Is

Not

Mines

REMEMBERING,,, (POETRY W/AUDIO) REPOST

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/remembering#share

As I sat on the edge of my bed praying for redemption

I felt the knot in my gut spring up in my soul

My body went cold and the memories took control

And I asked God for forgiveness because only he knew what I did

And the people who did it…

I got rid of that thing because I knew it was his

And I hated him

The thing was a monster

I wanted it gone

I wanted it dead

But still so much a part of me

I did not want the world to see

What this man planted in me

I laid still frozen on my back

While I heard the chants from the windows

From murmurs priest and Catholic’s

Screaming

MURDERER!

As one single tear drop fell from my eye

And collided pass my ear and slid down my neck

And froze itself right their

Tickling my neck   

But this was not funny

And I dare not even crack a smile

I laid frozen on my back as the chants got louder

I refuse to cry because that would have been an admission of

Of…

Of…

Of something I dare not admit with this tongue

The thing was a monster

I wanted it gone

I wanted it dead

But still so much a part of me

This thing that lived inside of me

Was haunting me

And I heard him whisper

You are beautiful, as he brushed my hair to the side

Every night at 3 o clock in the morning

And I was mourning for my innocents

That I lost a long time ago

Now I live with this thing

This thing

This monstrous thing!

 

I just knew I’d be free…

As I laid there flat on my back

Spread eagle

Waiting for this thing to exit my womb

I wanted to bury it,,,

Tie a chain to it

And throw it in the sea

OF THE FORGOTTEN

AND THE FORGIVEN

So it can never again resurface

I was praying to have not

One

Single

Memory

Of this event

But here

I lay

20 Years Later

Still

Flat on my back

REMEMBERING…

MY AVATAR 1,2,3 and 4 (POETRY FORM W/ AUDIO)

I am a writer, and the joy of being a writer is having some versatility. I get to write about whatever I want, and hope you, the reader, can find some common ground. “My Avatar” is dark; she is the little girl that lives in me, she is a spoiled, rotten, weird, little brat. She is all my fears and a product of every person who ever hurt me. She is all my resentments I still work so hard to let go of still today. She is a product of every man that ever broke my heart, starting with my father.

She is the product of a mother who was murdered and a father who was never around. “My Avatar” the character is a lot of things, but most of all she is afraid. She is afraid of you and she is afraid of the woman in me that continues to discipline her. “My Avatar” is more than a little dark. I love this project because it challenged me as a writer to write about something different.

When I read books, stories and poetry I often wonder if the people are anything like what or who they write about. Of course we are our characters on some level.

I had to put this footnote in this book. I had some friends who I trust to critique some of my writings ask me if I was alright. That made me smile; an effective writer should impact the reader. I believe I had done that. My hope is it will impact you the same way it did my friends who critiqued my manuscript. Of course I am ok, just me doing what I love to do, write.

WELCOME TO MY PEACEFUL INSANITY

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-poetry#play

Why give me this body that imprisons my soul?

I Rome this bruised space hiding from my own disgrace

That spills over in my world

That only knows me as a little girl

But I am a woman!

And I know because I have the scares to prove it

I have titts and ass like an hour glass

And puberty has been years passed

But I am still a little girl

 ):

And my avatar wants to leave because I won’t let her breathe

Smothering her with my fears of

Today …

Tomorrow…

And most of all yesterday

But she stays to play anyway

Realistic

Misogynistic

Can’t stand her because

She is protected

By her avatar

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-part-2-poetry#play

MY AVATAR, SHE LOVES TO COME OUT AND PLAY

WHILE KEEPING ALL THE BAD PEOPLE AWAY

SUGAR AND SPICE WAS A FANTASY THAT HAD BEEN REVERSED

BY AN EVIL CURSE THAT KEEPS SICK LYRICS PLAYING IN MY BRAIN

SHAME…

SHAME IS I CAN’T HIDE FROM MY HAZEL EYES

THAT KEEP SEEING ME DOWN THIS WICKED PATH

WHERE GARGOILS WHERE SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL SAFE

AND HIDE ME FROM MY TORTURED FATE

AND ONLY THEY KNOW WHERE I’VE BEEN

AS MY OCD FORCES ME TO REPEAT THINGS

OVER

AND OVER

AND OVER AGAIN

MY AVATAR PLAYS DOUBLE DUTCH, PATTY CAKE, HIDE AND SEEK

AND PLAYS THIS TAPE OVER AND OVER IN MY MIND SOMETIMES FOR WEEKS

NON STOP

THAT’S WHEN MY WATCHED STOPPED

AND FROZE ME RIGHT THEIR

FOR PEDESTRIANS TO STOP AND STAIR AT ME IN MY OBLIVIANCE

OLLIE-OLLIE IN COME FREE

IS WHAT THEY SCREAM AT ME

DEAMING

ME

BROKEN

WHILE I’M SMOKING UP ON YESTERDAY

AND MY AVATAR

SHE COMFORTS ME IN MY

DISOBIDENCE

SHE COMFORTS ME

IN MY DEVIANTS

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-part-3-poetry#

This twisted kiss

I’m hateing this

Exposing all this f****** s***

The word play

The “comments” today

Lead me down a path of twisted no where’s

With share and likes

But who is it that really sits behind that pc

From my solace carries malice

But you wouldn’t know just by reading me

Never seeing me but looking thru me

From my reality

My Avatar

She waves goodbye to me

Only a morbid sign

Of rotten chimes

Sounds of angels

But the root is mangled

And I will never be granted my wings

Because off all the bad things I’ve seen

As I watch her play on that wicked and rusted swing

Posting this s*** for you to read between what’s caught

The twisted thoughts

A f****** sadist

 Is how I made this

Sick game

For her own personal gain

Relived

Innocents

Free me from this dark cloud of razorblades

Anxiety and depression

Living in this lesson

That I tainted with my own haunted files

I only needed her for a little while

Now bats circle my bed

Like a storm brewing over my head

And stewing in suicidal thoughts

Caught in a web

That keeps me isolated

Gabriel keeps trying to get me to journey the map

It’s a silly trap and I remember the road that it traveled for wayyyyy to long

Singing hate me by blue October http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddxgsvjinlu

Left

Right

And none are right so I lose sight

Of what’s right with the wrong

And I listen while crying to blue October song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddxgsvjinlu

Hate me

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-part-4-poetry#play

HATE ME FOR LOVING YOU AND LOSING ME

AND I CAN’T STAND THE SAYING

IT’S GONNA BE , WHAT ITS GONNA BE

F****** MISOGINISTICS!

I RISK IT

MY MIND

SCREAMS

GET THE FUCKING RAZZOR BLADES AND JUST END THIS F****** S***

MY AVATAR SINGS LULLABIES AS THE THOUGHTS SLOWLY PERSIST

SOME WHERE PAST MY RAIN

GETTING HIGH ON COCAINE

WHILE SINGING

FUCK THE WORLD AND THIS LITTLE GIRL

I USE AS PROTECTION

SHE IS MY REFLECTION

SHE IS MY AVATAR

MY  PERFECTION

I MUSE JUST TO CONFUSE

TRAVELING ROADS WITH PAGONISTIC FOOLS

AND I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS LOST

AND LEFT BEHIND

WITH THIS GHOST

THAT WAS NOT FREE

BECAUSE MY AVATER REFUSED TO GROW UP WITH ME

MY ADVERSARIES WANTED TO MARRY ME AND CARRY PASS MY EXPIRATION DATE

BUT IT WAS FAIT THAT TIPPED THE SCALES

AND DID ALL THAT IT COULD TO RELEASE ME FROM MY CELL

FAIT LED ME BACK TO MY ADVATAR THAT TUCKED AWAY

SAFE

IN A DEEP DENIAL 

FILED

MEMORIES

CONFIDENTIAL AND SADISTIC

IF YOU ARE LOST BY THESE WORDS

YOU MAY NEED TO READ THIS AGAIN

BECAUSE YOU MISSED IT

GO AHEAD

READ IT AGAIN

AND RELIVE MY INSANITY

OVER

AND OVER 

AND OVER AGAIN

IF IT’S TO HARD FOR YOU TO FIND

HERE IS A HINT

IT’S HIDDEN

HIDDEN SOMEWHERE BEWTEEN THESE TWISTED LINES

SOMEWHERE MANGLED WITH THE RYME

I NEED A HOSPITAL TO SOOTH MY BROKEN LOWS

FROM BLACK COALS FREEBASIN IN MY SOUL

AND I NEED SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL

LIKE HENNA

AND A WEDDING SONG TO KEEP ME IN MY FANTASY

MISOGYNISM ROMANCES ME

DANCES WITH ME

DECIEVES ME

AND NEVER LEAVES MY SIDE

MY AVATAR SEEMS SO FREE

SHE LAUGHS AT MY ANXIETY

WHILE MY OCD HAS ME COUNTING

EVERY

MEMORY

SINSE 1983

AND THEY LIED TO ME

SO I SHOWER

OBSESSIVELY

OVER

AND OVER

AND OVER AGAIN

AND I AM WELL AWARE

THAT I AM F****** WEIRD

SO MY AVATAR KEEPS ME SAFE

WHILE I LIVE INSIDE THIS TWISTED PLACE

https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/12/avatar-short-read-poetry-form-part-1/

https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/16/my-avatar-poetry-part-3-w-audio/

https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/20/my-avatar-part-4/

https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/20/footnote-my-avatar/

mirror

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

I got an ugly problem in a beautiful place
I have particles flowing thick from my fire place
I’m sailing and climbing through my twisted mind
Distorted piano sounds
Tortured lines
levied from silenced
Concubine
I don’t even know if  I’m safe in Gods arms
Twisted neck
Sounds alarms
And I still come face to face
With me

I got an ugly problem in a beautiful place

WAITING FOR YOU (POETRY W/AUDIO)

How long can I wait for you

To see the sun turn grey

Your nights running into my days

Waiting for you

Smoke filled tomes

Eyes sealed tight

Turning over graves

From this deadly mixture

And poison filled perfumes

I die

Waiting for you

To fill my heart beat cold

Pressure building from all the lies that you’ve told

And I wait

While this evil consumes me

 

 

BROKEN HALLELUJAHS (POETRY)

I have tattooed

“Scientology will follow me”

On my forehead

‘Cause who really believes in “Heaven and Hell”

Christians, Buddhist and Atheist

They all lived longer than Nostradamus

To tell this wicked tattle-tell

And Satan is rolling over in his own apocalypse

Hatred at the grip of his fingertips

Hypocrites

They blow fire like dragons torching anyone that listens to the lies that flow

From their wicked lips

And crypts of century old villains

Lay buried with their stories that bore me

I am not angelic and he cannot fool me with religion and broken hallelujahs

And Henna can’t save me