http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/remembering#share

As I sat on the edge of my bed praying for redemption

I felt the knot in my gut spring up in my soul

My body went cold and the memories took control

And I asked God for forgiveness because only he knew what I did

And the people who did it…

I got rid of that thing because I knew it was his

And I hated him

The thing was a monster

I wanted it gone

I wanted it dead

But still so much a part of me

I did not want the world to see

What this man planted in me

I laid still frozen on my back

While I heard the chants from the windows

From murmurs priest and Catholic’s

Screaming

MURDERER!

As one single tear drop fell from my eye

And collided pass my ear and slid down my neck

And froze itself right there

Tickling my neck

But this was not funny

And I dare not even crack a smile

I laid frozen on my back as the chants got louder

I refuse to cry because that would have been an admission of

Of…

Of…

Of something I dare not admit with this tongue

The thing was a monster

I wanted it gone

I wanted it dead

But still so much a part of me

This thing that lived inside of me

Was haunting me

And I heard him whisper

You are beautiful, as he brushed my hair to the side

Every night at 3 o clock in the morning

And I was mourning for my innocents

That I lost a long time ago

Now I live with this thing

This thing

This monstrous thing!

I just knew I’d be free…

As I laid there flat on my back

Spread eagle

Waiting for this thing to exit my womb

I wanted to bury it,,,

Tie a chain to it

And throw it in the sea

OF THE FORGOTTEN

AND THE FORGIVEN

So it can never again resurface

I was praying to have not

One

Single

Memory

Of this event

But here

I lay

20 Years Later

Still

Flat on my back

REMEMBERING…

He made me feel like I was in dream

With a lot of gentle

Mixed with a just enough mean

He touched me softly

And my nibbles arose

He even asked me if he could suck my toes

He was nothing like the last man  I choose

He sucked on my nibbles

Like cherries to the seed

I was hungry for this ocean in me to be freed

I rolled over, trying to shift my weight

I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming

It felt like I was in some kind of dream state

He kissed my neck

And he made me moan

He looked in my eyes

Challenging my sensual tone

I tried to get up but he pinned me down

And all I heard was nasty, wet slurping sounds

He had me wet and paralyzed to the bed

His face disappeared and all I saw was his head

Finally he came up for air and kissed me on my face

I pulled him closer because I wanted to taste

And I licked his face leaving non of me to waste

I laid back screaming

Because his tongue felt so good

I really wanted to cum

I really felt like I could

He said

You better not cum

But every emotion in me won

When he went back down

And I began to scream

And I was pissed off when the flight attendant woke me

Realizing

It was only

Just

A dream

 

THANK YOU FOR THE INSPIRATION http://shackledandcrowned.wordpress.com/2013/04/12/friendship/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNoiZAFNYn4

https://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/a-thousand-miles-of-highway

We were like a thousand miles of highway

With never ending transitions

A tunnel

A pathway

To everywhere

I know we’ve been in la-la land

Somewhere far away on our journey to love

Random tokens of affection straddle my shoulder

And trickle down my spine

And I know he sees my silhouette dancing slowly for the moon

And yesterday he made love to me from across the room

And it was beautiful

Like all the times before

And it was nothing fancy but so much more

We were like a thousand miles of highway

Riding somewhere pass the end of the earth

Falling

We were…

We were…

We were falling in love

We played footsies from across the room

And he smelled me

Because I was his perfume

And no amount of turmoil could penetrate our portal

We were only mere mortals

But we were in love

When he touched me I felt his protection

This was not about sex

But so much more

We were exempt from

Economics

Social acceptability

Or prejudice

He was my white

And I was his black

And there were no “Grey Areas”

We were in a magic place

We were…

On a thousand miles of highway

Dis-Order (Poetry)

I eat to make the pain fade today
And the dragon in my belly
Plays monstrous villains
Till all my emotional scares fade away
You’ll never understand why I eat the way I do
Don’t try and diagnose me
Because I will eat you away too
I will vomit till my face turns blue
Tryna’ forget that I hate you
And that I hate myself too

DIS-ORDER

HE CALLED ME HER (POETRY W/ AUDIO)

Her name flew from his mouth and dangled in the air

She lives in his heart and will always be there

Her name was inches from his lips

The same ones I just kissed

And I’d be fooling myself

If I said he wouldn’t be missed

I looked in his face

And I could see this was no cold case

‘Cause he still loved her

My emotions will have me twisted somewhere beyond belief

And have me so out of touch I’ll be hard to reach

Her name

Her name drifted past my cheek

And stood its position for weeks

And I knew she was there

And he knew I knew

I was drowning in a snap shot

And deserving of every emotion I got

Because I knew he was broken

And he knew I knew

Tonight

Head on 

Crash

Drinking from a half empty glass

And all I could hear was her name

And he and I would never be the same

I try to smile

Going about my day

But my mind is miles

And miles

And miles away

Because I loved him

He called me her name and I froze

I could tell by her name she was who he chose

He is not mine

Please God free me from my insanity

‘Cause all the pieces are with her

That day is a blurr

But what I will never forget

Is that he called me her

I could not pretend

And I dare not give him a chance to do it again

See

Because

He

Is

Not

Mine

My Dr. told me I had a nervous bleeding in my brain

The judge told me I was criminally insane

I knew some of my crazy was from the cocaine

See I’ve had my lover tied up in the basement for, only God knows when

I looked at him and said…

YOU WILL STAY WITH ME AND YOU’LL STAY UNTIL THE VERY END

Crying clowns and morbid sounds

Crows above

And blood filled tubs 

Mask and cutting glass

Black moons and poison mushrooms

Empty rooms filled with witches brooms

A jackals tale seeing acid trails

A dirty deed planted with demonic seeds

A haunted trust with piercing thrusts

Gagged with rags and gasoline bags

Heart melting eyes singing cryptic lullabies

Tormented mimes with twisted spines

Sickening rhymes with catholic chimes

A fantasy reversed with a witches curse

A dog moon with hidden rooms

A serpent’s tail stuffed with human cells

A joker’s laugh after its evil craft

A rotten kiss with blood filled lips

An evil moon staring at us from the basements tomb

I bound his mouth with tape

I looked around him things starting to take shape

Shift shaper and hate makers whisper in my ear

I stopped taking my meds and things don’t seem real clear

I rub my eyes trying hard to stay awake

My body trembled and my hands began to shake

My Dr. told me I had a nervous bleeding in my brain

The judge told me I was criminally insane

I knew some of my crazy was from the cocaine

See I’ve had my lover tied up in the basement for, only God knows when

I looked at him and said…

YOU WILL STAY WITH ME AND YOU’LL STAY UNTIL THE VERY END

I’m chasing you

To catch up to a memory

Where drums beat cartwheels through my heart

And love has trapped me in a pianos tune

We sip mushrooms

And plant seeds of hope

For all who doubt

That we are in love

And if loving you pass eternity isn’t enough

I will come back

In another life

And love you again

I’m chasing you

To catch up to a memory

Where drums beat cartwheels through my heart

And love has trapped me in a pianos tune

For all who doubt

That we are in love

I will come back

In another life

And love you again

For Halloween I want to be a morphine drip

To let the sun dry me up

And run healing through this broken cup

But there is no sun in October

And the weather is always better after the rain

The atmosphere is clearer

But the environment stays the same

 

For Halloween I want to be a morphine drip

And sip on tomorrow

And lend out me

And get back things people have barrowed

I want to empty this drip

And let go of Eden that holds on to me with a death grip

The Garden of Eden was not a place

But an atmosphere

And things are not always as beautiful as they may appear

 

For Halloween I want to be a morphine drip

So I can crawl backwards through my veins

And nod sluggishly off into corrosion

Mixing this chemical with the rain

 

I want to be a morphine drip

To plunge into this open rip

Keep me filled to slow this painful trip

 

Drip into this wrought

And saturate every

Contaminated

Delusional

Unclean

Thought

 

Drip until you can only see the whites of my eyes

Please don’t touch me

Because everything that enters me dies

So keep me planted in this metaphoric drip

Because October will soon be gone

My love is

Deeper than an oceans wave

To pave a twisters fall

Tides cave

And lovers wave

From beyond this epic crawl

Paradox hold shoulders

Under an oceans rock

And that’s why my love for you will always be

Deeper than any world

A fantasy can unlock

Deeper than an ocean

Happy Mothers Day ❤

https://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/audio-recording-on-saturday-1

I am riding the embers of these aches

I am LaBella

And I will die alone

A wrinkled

Old slut

I am riding the embers of these aches

Even robots cry

To dance through a metals wave

To bend iron cast down

Built ships through this junk filled  parade

Awaiting rust

Standing still from yester years decay

Rainbows have rain

Rain has dirt

But robots have people

Who feel nothing

Even when they hurt

 

Even robots cry

 

FYI:  https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2013/05/23/tears-poem/

I call her sad and troubled, she is beautiful and her face has inspired many pieces.

So here she is again (:

 Tears weighing heavy

 Was the crooked tilt of judgments scales

I could feel the rust that sired me in between my harnessed vial

I wanted love but hate was the only boat that sailed

Rotted flint

Air came

Then went

Teasing sensations

That leaned

Then bent

Cement

That became

Part of me

Sunk Deep were fragments of

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

Sunk Deep were fragments of

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

What I used to be

Rotted flint

Air came

Then went

https://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/something-beautiful-poetry

My shadow keeps chasing me

Urging me to create

Something Beautiful

An epiphany stiffens me into a dark thought

As I begin to create a Beautiful dialogue

With self

I embrace Serendipity

And I realize

She was

Something Beautiful

MISTRESS

I met him; I fell in love with him

I knew he wasn’t mines

But he grew on me

Like a 19^th century bottle of

Old money kind’a wine

She knew about us for years

And for years she took a back seat

Because she knew without me

His heart was strangely weak

He was a police officer

And in the line of duty, he was shot

I screamed!

Please tell me he is not dead!

Please tell me he is not!!

He laid in the hospital

In that dreadful coma for 20 long weeks

It was not her body he longed for

Between those hospital sheets

It was hard for her to deny

Because she knew if she did not find me

Her husband would surely die

This woman knew he was in love with me

And only wanted her husband to survive

So willing to do anything

To keep her husband alive

She grabbed his phone

Braced herself

And stood up on her feet

She sought me out knowing

His heart was strangely weak

I laid with him

And she approved of me

In that hospital bed

She silently requested help

And pushed me towards his bed

A few days later he awoke

I jumped up from between the sheets 

And it killed her

As she looked on

Knowing

I was the reason

His heart still beat

Its been three years now

And she is still his wife 

And  everyday

I regret the day

I saved that bastard’s life!

VOICE (W/AUDIO) Warning: Very sad poem…

https://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/voice

 

His name was Tommy and his spirit’s alive and well.

I hope you don’t mind it’s his story I shall tell.

He would be 37 but at the time he was 12.

And for many years his life was a living hell. 

It’s his father he despised.

All his sneaky ways and dirty little lies.

His dad was strange in many different ways.

What Tommy didn’t know is his dad had full blown AIDS.

His dad was in denial; he wouldn’t take any meds.

Every night Tommy’s dad would cry then come lay in Tommy’s bed.

Tommy was 12, to him a man, he knew this wasn’t right.

He’d lay there quiet, he dare not fight.

He was 15 and with every fiber he said NO!

His dad looked at him and they both stood toe to toe.

Tommy stood strong as his dad raised his fist.

This was his life and wasn’t it supposed to be a gift.

Life’s meaning erased.

And even his favorite pie had a bitter taste.

He started feeling strange but he didn’t want to believe. 

His dad had given him this horrible disease called HIV.

Tommy’s life at this point, he felt like he had no say.

Because the thoughts and feelings he was having surely made him gay.

His father died and he was glad to see him go.

He was a constant reminder of this disease and no one else could know.

This thing had him tossing and turning all through the night.

He was tired and said, Toya, I just don’t have the strength to fight.

Tommy let the years pass him by with each passing day.

The truth was he was scared and let fear lead the way.

He was like a shadow chasing the sun until it disappeared.

Tommy was lost and bound to a zillion little tears.

Strangely his first semester class did a project on children with AIDS.

And he decided to take his life back on that very special day.

As he walked through the hospital children marked by sores.

Babies in small bubbles; his heart was completely torn.

He ran to the bathroom and cried until he hit the floor.

He asked God; please tell me what is all this for?

I don’t do drugs.

I don’t sleep around.

And Tommy didn’t want to be gay.

His dad was just a real sick man that took his innocence away.

For all the children who don’t have a choice.

Tommy decided to take a stand and be the children’s voice.

He stood in front of thousands and said…

My name is Tommy and I have AIDS.

And I’m speaking for all the little people who become victims every day.

His body’s 6 feet under but his spirit’s still alive.

And if you’re reading this then his spirit has survived.

This is Tommy’s way of continuing to be the children’s voice.

This is for all the little people who never had a choice.

 

 

                                                Thank you, Tommy.

I am a writer, and the joy of being a writer is having some versatility. I get to write about whatever I want, and hope you, the reader, can find some common ground. “My Avatar” is dark; she is the little girl that lives in me, she is a spoiled, rotten, weird, little brat.  She is all my fears and a product of every person who ever hurt me. She is all my resentments I still work so hard to let go of still today. She is a product of every man that ever broke my heart, starting with my father.

She is the product of a mother who was murdered and a father who was never around. “My Avatar” the character is a lot of things, but most of all she is afraid. She is afraid of you and she is afraid of the woman in me that continues to discipline her. “My Avatar” is more than a little dark. I love this project because it challenged me as a writer to write about something different.

When I read books, stories and poetry I often wonder if the people are anything like what or who they write about. Of course we are our characters on some level.

I had to put this footnote in this book. I had some friends who I trust to critique some of my writings ask me if I was alright. That made me smile; an effective writer should impact the reader. I believe I had done that. My hope is it will impact you the same way it did my friends who critiqued my manuscript. Of course I am ok, just me doing what I love to do, write.

WELCOME TO MY PEACEFUL INSANITY

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-poetry#play

Why give me this body that imprisons my soul?

I Rome this bruised space hiding from my own disgrace

That spills over in my world

That only knows me as a little girl

But I am a woman!

And I know because I have the scars to prove it

I have titts and ass like an hour glass

And puberty has been years passed

But I am still a little girl

And my avatar wants to leave because I won’t let her breathe

Smothering her with my fears of

Today …

Tomorrow…

And most of all yesterday

But she stays to play anyway

Realistic

Misogynistic

Can’t stand her because

She is protected

By her avatar

My avatar loves to come out and play

While keeping all the bad people away

Sugar and spice was a fantasy that had been reversed

By an evil curse that keeps sick lyrics playing in my brain

Shame

Shame is I can’t hide from my hazel eyes

That keep seeing me down this wicked path

Where gargoyles were supposed to make me feel safe

And hide me from my tortured fate

And only they know where I’ve been

As my OCD forces me to repeat things

Over

And over

And over again

My avatar plays double dutch, patty cake, hide and seek

And plays these tapes over and over in my mind sometimes for weeks

Non-stop

That’s when my watched stopped

And froze me right there

For pedestrians to stop and stare at me in my obliviance

Ollie-ollie in come free

Is what they scream at me

deeming

Me

Broken

While I’m smoking up on yesterday

And my avatar

She comforts me in my

Disobedience

She comforts me

In my deviants

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-part-3-poetry#

This twisted kiss

I’m hating this

Exposing all this fckin’ shit

The word play

The comments today

Lead me down a path of twisted no where’s

With share and likes

But who is it that really sits behind that pc

From my solace carries malice

But you wouldn’t know just by reading me

Never seeing me but looking thru me

From my reality

My Avatar

She waves goodbye to me

Only a morbid sign

Of rotten chimes

Sounds of angels

But the root is mangled

And I will never be granted my wings

Because off all the bad things I’ve seen

As I watch her play on that wicked and rusted swing

Posting this shit for you to read between what’s caught

The twisted thoughts

A fckin’ sadist

 Is how I made this

Sick game

For her own personal gain

Re-lived

Innocents

Free me from this dark cloud of razor blades

Anxiety and depression

Living in this lesson

That I tainted with my own haunted files

I only needed her for a little while

Now bats circle my bed

Like a storm brewing over my head

And stewing in suicidal thoughts

Caught in a web

That keeps me isolated

Gabriel keeps trying to get me to journey the map

It’s a silly trap and I remember the road that it traveled for way too long

Singing hate me by Blue October http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddxgsvjinlu

Left

Right

And none are right so I lose sight

Of what’s right with the wrong

And I listen while crying to Blue October’s song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddxgsvjinlu

Hate me

 

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-part-4-poetry#play

Hate me for loving you and losing me

I can’t stand the saying it

It’s gonna be what it’s gonna be

Fckin’ misogynistics!

I risk it

My mind

Screams

Get the fckin’ razor blades and just end this fckin’ shit

My avatar sings lullabies as the thoughts slowly persist

Somewhere pass my rain

Getting high on cocaine

While singing

Fuc the world and this little girl

I use as protection

She is my reflection

She is my avatar

My perfection

I muse just to confuse

Traveling roads with agonistic fools

 I was the one who was lost

And left behind

With this ghost

That was not free

Because my avatar refused to grow up with me

My adversaries wanted to marry me and carry me pass my expiration date

But it was fate that tipped the scales

And did all that it could to release me from my cell

Faith led me back to my avatar that tucked me away

Safe

In a deep denial 

Filed

Memories

Confidential and sadistic

If you are lost by these words

You may need to read this again

Because you missed it

Go ahead

Read it again

And relive my insanity

Over

And over 

And over again

If it’s too hard for you to find

Here is a hint

It’s hidden

Hidden somewhere between these twisted lines

Somewhere mangled with the rhyme

I need a hospital to sooth my broken lows

From black coals free-basin’ in my soul

And I need something beautiful

Like henna

Or a wedding song to keep me in my fantasy

Misogynism romances me

Dances with me

Deceives me

And never leaves my side

My avatar seems so free

She laughs at my anxiety

While my OCD has me counting

Every

Memory

Since 1983

And they lied to me

So I shower

Obsessively

Over

And over

And over again

And I’m well aware

That I’m fckin’ weird

My avatar keeps me safe

While I live inside this twisted place

MY AVATAR PART 2

MY AVATAR ( POETRY W/ AUDIO PART 1)

MY AVATAR (POETRY PART 3 W/ AUDIO)

https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/20/my-avatar-part-4/

Protected: Can we talk about grief ?? Random thought

In a few words, in the comment section, describe your most powerful description of grief
Examples below

mentalnotes1

In a few words, in the comment section, describe your most powerful description of grief
Examples below

HELP ME IM BURRIED IN GRIEF!

I swept grief in a nice neat pile and one day it busted out and assaulted me.

Grief doesn’t want you perusing it, it does what it wants when it wants

Grief isn’t just a neat wound you can dress, the healing is in living

Grief reminds us that weonce loved

Grief pushed me into education

Grief- I suck at this kind of talk

Grief is cold Callous and matter of fact

Grief forces you to get a permission slip

Grief hides for a little while but there it goes again

Grief makes me feel like I’m floating unable to ground myself

Grief- I buried it, ohh but the roots are so deeply attached

I do not deserve to live in this pain

View original post

Case Study #2 – The Clinic

I have visited all the pharmacies and medicine section at every store in Portland looking for diet pills

My name is Samantha and I weigh 500 pounds and my mom worries about me

I’m scheduled for a weigh in at the clinic today at 3pm.

The clinic is just an easier softer way of saying the crazy house

My cloths fit so tight and I know I can loose a couple of pounds before 3pm.

I look at the time

12:30pm

I walk to the bodega at the corner and purchase 2 family packs of Oreo’s and start eating them as I walk back home

I sit on my couch and browse Facebook and imagine how I can look and be happy like so many others

I look through my pictures and compare myself

I hate myself

I finish off the second bag of Oreo’s and head to my room

I take off all my cloths and analyze my body in the mirror

I pull at my fat bulges, spin around, gaze in my own eyes in the mirror

I loath myself

I head to the bathroom, stick two finger down my throat and vomit the Oreo’s

I vomit the hate I have for myself
I drink some water with baking soda so it can come easy and I vomit some more until my throat hurts

I look up at myself as saliva melts down the side of my face and drops to the rug

I hear the front door, its my mom coming to take me to the clinic

I hurry and flush the toilet and turn the shower on as to quietly say do not disturb

I stay in the bathroom for about 5 minutes just sitting on the side of the tub, I wet my hair grab a towel and walk out

She’s standing there

I don’t look at her

I walk pass her without acknowledgement and slam my bedroom door because

I hate her too

I hear her ruffling through the bathroom looking for any sign that I have done something to harm myself

We head to the clinic

The nurse weighs me

Nurse speaks: Samantha you lost 7 pounds since your last weigh in last week, you are 95 pounds.
I’m sorry we will have to admit you.

Since I’m only 16 years old my mother signs papers to have me 302’ed again to the clinic for a psych eval and observation

And I hate myself!

Resolutions to aid Eating Disorder recovery
https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/185582221/posts/636

Poetry about a person with an eating disorder
https://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2023/01/09/dis-order-poetry-3/

Dis-Order (Poetry)

 

I eat to make the pain fade today
And the dragon in my belly
Plays monstrous villains
Till all my emotional scares fade away
You’ll never understand why I eat the way I do
Don’t try and diagnose me
Because I will eat you away too
I will vomit till my face turns blue
Tryna’ forget that I hate you
And that I hate myself too

DIS-ORDER

Featured Poet – Street Girl by Bonnie Parker

mentalnotes1

Bonnie, Clyde’s woman was an awesome poet

       

You don’t want to marry me honey 

Though just to hear you ask me is sweet

If you did you’d regret it tomorrow

For I’m only a girl of the street

There was a time when I’d gladly have listened

Before I was tainted with shame

But it wouldn’t be fair to you honey

Men laugh when they mention my name
Back there on the farm in Nebraska

I might have said yes to you then

But I thought the world was a playground

Just teeming with Santa Claus men

So I left the old home for the city

To play in its mad, dirty whirl

Never knowing how little of pity, It holds for a slip of a girl
You think I’m still good-looking honey!

But no I am faded and spent

Even Helen of Troy would look seedy

If she…

View original post 336 more words

Featured Poet Dominic Fike – Elliot’s Song – Euphoria

I’ve got no place
Buildin’ you a rocket up to outer space
I watch you fade
Keeping the lights on in this forsaken place

Little star
Feels like you fell right on my head
Gave you away to the wind
I hope it was worth it in the end
You and my guitar
I think you may be my only friend
I gave it all to see you shine again
I hope it was worth it in the end

Us against the world
Just a couple sinner’s makin’ fun of hell
If I keep you here
I’ll only be doing this for myself

Little star
Feels like you fell right on my head
Gave you away to the wind
I hope it was worth it in the end
Yeah, I hope so
Think you may be my only friend
I gave it all to see you shine again
I hope it was worth it in the end

I know this thing is broken
So I leave my door wide open
Been some time since we’ve spoken
One day we’ll meet again
Some distance when you’re older
You’ll come lean on my shoulder
Tell me that storm is over
That day we meet again

Feels like you fell right on my head
Gave you away to the wind
I hope it was worth it in the end
You and my guitar
I think you may be my only friend
I gave you away
I hope it was worth it in the end

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icwBZswWFrU&list=RDicwBZswWFrU&start_radio=1&rv=icwBZswWFrU&t=32

I rarely do commentary on shows but if you haven’t seen Euphoria it’s a must see! 2 full seasons of addiction and all the insanity’s of having a child who suffers from the disease of addiction. I found this gem of a writer Dominic Fike on the last episode of season 2 and I have written poetry to this song, it has truly been my muse! Awesome write!

The Loop ~ Spoken Word

We have stoops on streets and corners so what lands can be heard from the cracks on steps

~~~
Tides flow empty and drums beat they beat I am beat

~~~
And Miss Henderson waves good-bye to her son from the sun
And Sarah’s mom’s funeral was sad
Because fuck cancer

~~~
Life can’t be written away by historians or philosophers

~~~
Tucked away trauma

~~~
Resurfacing

~~~
Triggers

~~~
Nixon Malcolm Kennedy and Dr.Martin Luther King Jr.

~~~

Under the earth where trauma goes to die

~~~
Can you remember where you were when the twin towers fell

~~~
A millisecond can’t alter it to any degree of logic

~~~
What lives must die

~~~

Gravity

~~~
And memory will remind me

~~~
That alterations are tragic misconceptions
Of the truth

~~~
And nothing is more traumatic

~~~
Than the truth

~~~

And time sets again

Death

mentalnotes1

I have gone for miles trying to catch your breathe
Lost left me
Lay death upon my chest
Trying to catch the demon that rolls rust
Timely
Unrest
And a phantoms tale swags
and it drags
and it drags
my face sags
And it sags and I’m sad
Because death waits for me

View original post

When after a week
He is grunting
Startled at the suck
Of my body
At the impossible of his luck
He won’t know
How easily we arrived here
Playing beats in the half light
Won’t know that I have washed these sheets today
And I will again tonight
Won’t know that I ruin love
With the melody of men
Slipping into the soft hunger of my dreams

Won’t know that I can make storms
And quiet them

With just a breath

mentalnotes1

When after a week
He is grunting
Startled at the suck
Of my body
At the impossible of his luck
He won’t know
How easily we arrived here
Playing beats in the half light
Won’t know that I have washed these sheets today
And I will again tonight
Won’t know that I ruin love
With the melody of men
Slipping into the soft hunger of my dreams

Won’t know that I can make storms
And quiet them

With just a breath

View original post

Time ~ Poem

An epiphany stiffens me

My thoughts

Until I remember

That I was loved

Case Study #1 ~ Therapy

Security did escort me out of my therapist office, well 4 of my previous therapist anyway but who’s counting

This was my 9th visit to doctor Hommer Crumb

Hommer Crumb

Hommer Crumb

Hommer Crumb

His name doesn’t scream come talk to me

For some reason I’m always paired with a man

They can’t be trusted around a big ass and titties

We talked about everything and nothing at all

I covered my breast really well, the eagle hoodie I wore to every visit was intentional

Frankly I was bored

Therapy doesn’t work for me

I’m convinced my brain is broken and doctors have planted something sinister in my head when I had my tonsils removed when I was 11

Yea, I was 11, maybe 10

That’s when it happen

The thing

The something

It

The incident

Occurrence

The situation

Episode

It was an event

The dirty deed, landmark 

The happening

The ugly  

I just pretend it was a dream 

Something ugly has happened again

Just my fuckin’ luck

I know its altered the thing the doctors planted in my brain when I got my tonsils removed when I was 10 or 11, I may have been 9

They put cha’ta’sleep ya know

4 or 5 maybe 6 doctors who I spate curse words at are convinced I need to talk about it

I mean…

If security wouldn’t have escorted me out the building this time again I may have gotten to it

But they never gave me a chance

I hate therapist