MY AVATAR 1,2,3 and 4 (POETRY FORM W/ AUDIO)

I am a writer, and the joy of being a writer is having some versatility. I get to write about whatever I want, and hope you, the reader, can find some common ground. “My Avatar” is dark; she is the little girl that lives in me, she is a spoiled, rotten, weird, little brat. She is all my fears and a product of every person who ever hurt me. She is all my resentments I still work so hard to let go of still today. She is a product of every man that ever broke my heart, starting with my father.

She is the product of a mother who was murdered and a father who was never around. “My Avatar” the character is a lot of things, but most of all she is afraid. She is afraid of you and she is afraid of the woman in me that continues to discipline her. “My Avatar” is more than a little dark. I love this project because it challenged me as a writer to write about something different.

When I read books, stories and poetry I often wonder if the people are anything like what or who they write about. Of course we are our characters on some level.

I had to put this footnote in this book. I had some friends who I trust to critique some of my writings ask me if I was alright. That made me smile; an effective writer should impact the reader. I believe I had done that. My hope is it will impact you the same way it did my friends who critiqued my manuscript. Of course I am ok, just me doing what I love to do, write.

WELCOME TO MY PEACEFUL INSANITY

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-poetry#play

Why give me this body that imprisons my soul?

I Rome this bruised space hiding from my own disgrace

That spills over in my world

That only knows me as a little girl

But I am a woman!

And I know because I have the scares to prove it

I have titts and ass like an hour glass

And puberty has been years passed

But I am still a little girl

 ):

And my avatar wants to leave because I won’t let her breathe

Smothering her with my fears of

Today …

Tomorrow…

And most of all yesterday

But she stays to play anyway

Realistic

Misogynistic

Can’t stand her because

She is protected

By her avatar

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-part-2-poetry#play

MY AVATAR, SHE LOVES TO COME OUT AND PLAY

WHILE KEEPING ALL THE BAD PEOPLE AWAY

SUGAR AND SPICE WAS A FANTASY THAT HAD BEEN REVERSED

BY AN EVIL CURSE THAT KEEPS SICK LYRICS PLAYING IN MY BRAIN

SHAME…

SHAME IS I CAN’T HIDE FROM MY HAZEL EYES

THAT KEEP SEEING ME DOWN THIS WICKED PATH

WHERE GARGOILS WHERE SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL SAFE

AND HIDE ME FROM MY TORTURED FATE

AND ONLY THEY KNOW WHERE I’VE BEEN

AS MY OCD FORCES ME TO REPEAT THINGS

OVER

AND OVER

AND OVER AGAIN

MY AVATAR PLAYS DOUBLE DUTCH, PATTY CAKE, HIDE AND SEEK

AND PLAYS THIS TAPE OVER AND OVER IN MY MIND SOMETIMES FOR WEEKS

NON STOP

THAT’S WHEN MY WATCHED STOPPED

AND FROZE ME RIGHT THEIR

FOR PEDESTRIANS TO STOP AND STAIR AT ME IN MY OBLIVIANCE

OLLIE-OLLIE IN COME FREE

IS WHAT THEY SCREAM AT ME

DEAMING

ME

BROKEN

WHILE I’M SMOKING UP ON YESTERDAY

AND MY AVATAR

SHE COMFORTS ME IN MY

DISOBIDENCE

SHE COMFORTS ME

IN MY DEVIANTS

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-part-3-poetry#

This twisted kiss

I’m hateing this

Exposing all this f****** s***

The word play

The “comments” today

Lead me down a path of twisted no where’s

With share and likes

But who is it that really sits behind that pc

From my solace carries malice

But you wouldn’t know just by reading me

Never seeing me but looking thru me

From my reality

My Avatar

She waves goodbye to me

Only a morbid sign

Of rotten chimes

Sounds of angels

But the root is mangled

And I will never be granted my wings

Because off all the bad things I’ve seen

As I watch her play on that wicked and rusted swing

Posting this s*** for you to read between what’s caught

The twisted thoughts

A f****** sadist

 Is how I made this

Sick game

For her own personal gain

Relived

Innocents

Free me from this dark cloud of razorblades

Anxiety and depression

Living in this lesson

That I tainted with my own haunted files

I only needed her for a little while

Now bats circle my bed

Like a storm brewing over my head

And stewing in suicidal thoughts

Caught in a web

That keeps me isolated

Gabriel keeps trying to get me to journey the map

It’s a silly trap and I remember the road that it traveled for wayyyyy to long

Singing hate me by blue October http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddxgsvjinlu

Left

Right

And none are right so I lose sight

Of what’s right with the wrong

And I listen while crying to blue October song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddxgsvjinlu

Hate me

http://soundcloud.com/mentalnotes-1/my-avatar-part-4-poetry#play

HATE ME FOR LOVING YOU AND LOSING ME

AND I CAN’T STAND THE SAYING

IT’S GONNA BE , WHAT ITS GONNA BE

F****** MISOGINISTICS!

I RISK IT

MY MIND

SCREAMS

GET THE FUCKING RAZZOR BLADES AND JUST END THIS F****** S***

MY AVATAR SINGS LULLABIES AS THE THOUGHTS SLOWLY PERSIST

SOME WHERE PAST MY RAIN

GETTING HIGH ON COCAINE

WHILE SINGING

FUCK THE WORLD AND THIS LITTLE GIRL

I USE AS PROTECTION

SHE IS MY REFLECTION

SHE IS MY AVATAR

MY  PERFECTION

I MUSE JUST TO CONFUSE

TRAVELING ROADS WITH PAGONISTIC FOOLS

AND I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS LOST

AND LEFT BEHIND

WITH THIS GHOST

THAT WAS NOT FREE

BECAUSE MY AVATER REFUSED TO GROW UP WITH ME

MY ADVERSARIES WANTED TO MARRY ME AND CARRY PASS MY EXPIRATION DATE

BUT IT WAS FAIT THAT TIPPED THE SCALES

AND DID ALL THAT IT COULD TO RELEASE ME FROM MY CELL

FAIT LED ME BACK TO MY ADVATAR THAT TUCKED AWAY

SAFE

IN A DEEP DENIAL 

FILED

MEMORIES

CONFIDENTIAL AND SADISTIC

IF YOU ARE LOST BY THESE WORDS

YOU MAY NEED TO READ THIS AGAIN

BECAUSE YOU MISSED IT

GO AHEAD

READ IT AGAIN

AND RELIVE MY INSANITY

OVER

AND OVER 

AND OVER AGAIN

IF IT’S TO HARD FOR YOU TO FIND

HERE IS A HINT

IT’S HIDDEN

HIDDEN SOMEWHERE BEWTEEN THESE TWISTED LINES

SOMEWHERE MANGLED WITH THE RYME

I NEED A HOSPITAL TO SOOTH MY BROKEN LOWS

FROM BLACK COALS FREEBASIN IN MY SOUL

AND I NEED SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL

LIKE HENNA

AND A WEDDING SONG TO KEEP ME IN MY FANTASY

MISOGYNISM ROMANCES ME

DANCES WITH ME

DECIEVES ME

AND NEVER LEAVES MY SIDE

MY AVATAR SEEMS SO FREE

SHE LAUGHS AT MY ANXIETY

WHILE MY OCD HAS ME COUNTING

EVERY

MEMORY

SINSE 1983

AND THEY LIED TO ME

SO I SHOWER

OBSESSIVELY

OVER

AND OVER

AND OVER AGAIN

AND I AM WELL AWARE

THAT I AM F****** WEIRD

SO MY AVATAR KEEPS ME SAFE

WHILE I LIVE INSIDE THIS TWISTED PLACE

http://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/12/avatar-short-read-poetry-form-part-1/

http://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/16/my-avatar-poetry-part-3-w-audio/

http://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/20/my-avatar-part-4/

http://mentalnotes1.wordpress.com/2012/11/20/footnote-my-avatar/

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